Bees that went through a rough patch and survived it

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1970 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

We went through lots of rough patches in the past 20 years!!! We’ve had issues in almost every area, lol. We’ve never done couple’s counseling. We have done a good bit of individual counseling and some psychiatrists. I think most of our issues have been on things we need to work on for ourselves. It was best for me to learn how to take care of myself and to let go of worrying about his issues. I think that when we are individually healthy, we are healthier as a couple. We have had a very good outcome from this and are doing well. We still have plenty of arguments over (usually) stupid stuff, but we have more good times than bad.

Post # 3
Member
4862 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

mirabelle007 :  Lots of rough patches here – mostly concerning communication and respect (or lack thereof).   We talk it through.  No counselling yet, although we may go at some point.  DH is an Aspie, and I have very low self esteem, so I guess issues are inevitable.  

Post # 5
Member
550 posts
Busy bee

We definitely did OP! Just right after our 1 year anniversary Darling Husband and I fought if one of us was breathing wrong! In our situation we had moved 2 hours away from where we went to college into a really really small town that consists of a huge chicken company (where Darling Husband works) and a dollar general… I still had my job, so I only did that for a few weeks before I got sick of the four hour trip and quit. So I was stuck at the house every single day where I knew nobody and did nothing because the only place to work was where Darling Husband was a boss. He also works 13/14 hour days and doesn’t get home until around 2am. So I got so depressed and started taking everything out on him and felt so much resentment for having to move for a job that took me away from my job and friends, and even further from my family. On top of that I lost really good pay and blew a lot of savings on the move, so we were really tight financially at first. I cried so much and would tell him often that his decision was ruining my life. (Dramatic much?) of course that led to fighting about everything every day. I finally sat him down one day and told him something had to change or we would be going to counseling, and he ended up confiding in me and telling me how miserable he was here too. He had always defended the decision to move, and he finally opened up once I took responsibility for my part in all the fighting. That talk was the best thing that could have happened to us. We had talked sooo many other times, but for some reason he completely changed his approach once I came to him and accepted responsibility for my part in the fighting. 

Sometimes it is easier to just argue than it is to actually work on the marriage together, and sometimes the other person isn’t willing to try as much as you, and at that point I think that counseling can be helpful. If Darling Husband had not FINALLY actually talked to me about our situation, you best believe his bottom would have been on a couch the next week answering the question “and how does that make you feel?” ๐Ÿ˜‰ 

In all seriousness though, relationships are hard and I think it’s very common to go through spells like this.

That season was one of the best that could ever happen to us though and actually brought us a lot closer. We obviously still have the occasionally marital spat, because Darling Husband likes to sit things NEXT to the trash can instead of just lifting the lid and putting it in.lol but I can say without a doubt that we will never let ourselves get back to that point. Since then we have struggled with infertility, the death of my sister, job disasters, family issues, etc and it is all handled completely different now because of that one situation. Now my favorite piece of marriage advice, is you will never regret being the first one to apologize. 

Post # 7
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee

Same boat here — we’ve always had communication problems and that has caused lots of ups and downs, including some pretty serious fights where we were so close to calling it quits.  We’ve always stuck togehter through it, though.  Even though I hate the fights and wish they’d never happen again, I’m always comforted by how fast we get over them and the fact that neither of us would ever want to leave the other, even when things aren’t perfect.  I think with time we’ve gotten a little better and communication too, so that is encouraging!  Good luck – I know it’s tough when you just can’t communicate with someone effectively and you feel like your relationship is failing.  

Edit:  we’ve never done counseling

Post # 8
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

I totally feel you OP! So my advice is a little odd but it’s what works for us! Darling Husband and I used to have problems all the time with communication, and the way we would both handle it. My biggest issue was that Darling Husband would leave when he got angry enough, and I was always terrified that he just wouldn’t come back (He always did). His biggest issue was that I would just shut down when I got angry enough, and he was worried that I was just bottling everything up inside and never solving anything with him (Spoiler alert: I was lol) We never did counseling, but we sort of both reached the point one night where we were both sat on the couch after I had shut down and he had left and come back, where I finally said “Look we can’t do this forever, something has got to give or you and I both know this will never work.” So we grabbed some paper and wrote out our Rules for Disagreements. 

1. No name calling. We never do this, but it still mattered to me to have it written down.

2. No leaving the property. He could go and sit out in the car if he wanted, or leave to another room to cool off, but he was not allowed to leave the property, and he could only separate himself for fifteen minutes or less.

3. When one of us leaves, the other is not allowed to follow/disturb them until they are ready, or until fifteen minutes has elapsed. This was because I used to chase him, and it only made him more mad because he never got a chance to actually recover from the fight before coming back to it.

4. No yelling. We both say that we never yell, and we both say that the other always raises their voice first lol. So this rule lets us gently say “I feel like you’re breaking rule number four” If one of us raises their voice. 

5. No shutting down. I am allowed to separate myself as well, for up to fifteen minutes, but after that I HAVE to come back and actually talk about our issue, and actually work it out. 

6. No threatening divorce unless we really mean it. Again, we never have this problem but it felt important to have it written down.

And let me tell you, once we started adhering to the rules, and calling each other out on it when we broke them, our fights got a lot more civil, and a lot more productive. It actually feels like we disagree like grown ups now, instead of toddlers throwing tantrums. I know it sounds weird to make a list of rules, but it really helped us to have it tangible and written down, so we could always refer back to them. We are so much closer and more in tune with each other now BECAUSE of that rough patch, so ultimately I am pretty thankful that we reached our breaking point and actually did something about it instead of actually breaking. The most challenging thing about this method was really holding ourselves accountable to actually following the rules, and admitting and apologizing when we broke them, until the rules became law. But once we both saw that we were both committed to making this work, it really made the desire to actually work out our issues so so much stronger, knowing your partner is all in. I wish you and your partner the best of luck OP ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 10
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

Ah yes, we use to argue all the time. He would call me with issues I couldnt fix while I was at work. He would constantly push me and push me to get a rise out of me. He would say, me not trying harder showed I did not care about the relationship. He treated me like shit, and with zero respect. I basically ended up dating someone very much like my father. 

Anyway, after constant fighting hes an Ex now, and I couldnt be happier. My current bf and I are usually always on the same page, we are open and honest with one another, communicate with one another so things never escalate, we never yell at one another or name call. And after growing up in an abusive household as a kid, I can finally say I finally found peace and a home in my SO’s arms. I dont believe relationships should be that difficult unless life really throws you something. (but my viewpoint is the way it is based on how much awful shit I had to endure as a kid. I refuse to relive it) 

 

Post # 11
Member
15 posts
Newbee

My husband and I went through a rough patch about 5 years into our relationship. We weren’t engaged or married yet, but we were living togethr. I think it started when his sister moved to the same city as us and needed a place to stay. I wasn’t on board with the idea (I know it sounds mean, but I like my space and didn’t want to feel like I needed to entertain a guest all of the time). I didn’t tell my husband how unhappy I was with the idea, so I let out my frustration by getting irritated with him about unrelated things. We stopped communicating well and things just broke down. We didn’t argue or talk things through because his sister was always around, so that didn’t help.

Right about the time she was getting ready to move out into her own place, our relationship was at its worst and we almost broke up. Eventually we were able to talk and let everything out, but it was pretty rough. Thankfully we’ve been so much better about talking things through in a kind, respectful way. We can let each other know when things are bothering us while letting the other person know they are loved. Good communication has made a world of difference. 

I hope you guys get through your rough patch, OP. It’s so painful to be in that spot, but can help you learn a lot about your SO.

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