(Closed) Bees, this one’s a doosie!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Oh man, that is a doosie!

Did your FH tell you he was going for a paternity test before getting the results back, and that there was a chance he had fathered the child? (Even if he didn’t think it was his). I don’t believe she could have a paternity test without him having submitted to one (?). If he didn’t tell you – well that’s a big issue.
What does he want to do about custody? Have you two sat down and hashed everything out? Have the 3 of you sat down to discuss anything/everything? Unfortunately, you’ll likely have to deal with this woman now (if your FH is indeed the father) for the rest of your lives, in some capacity or another. I guess it’s up to you to decide what’s ok with you, and what isn’t – what you can live with and what you can’t live with.

Hugs.

Post # 5
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Well, the ex aside, maybe it’ll all turn out lovely with the child. It is his son, and maybe he will just be completely won over by him and it’ll all go over well. Positive thoughts?

But yes, he does need to legally protect himself. Have you guys met with a lawyer to at least have an idea of how this could go down and what sort of child support (especially back pay?) might come of it?

Post # 6
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Wait, your Fiance does or doesn’t want to know the child? 

Post # 7
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

*Hugs* Oh, sweetie, as your wedding date twin, I can understand that you’re looking forward to the wedding and are frustrated with all this stuff. I’m sorry you are going through this. All I can say is, try to keep your chin up. Remember how much you love each other and that, no matter what, your wedding day is still Your wedding day. Despite all the frustration, you will still have that. In the meantime, I agree with the others. Be smart and make sure to meet with a lawyer so you are able to cover yourself.

Post # 9
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Something as serious as this, I say just look on the bright side as best you can. The fact is it happened. He has a son. And he just found out about it 3 weeks before your wedding. Do what you need to to protect yourselves legally and financially, but embrace the changes in your lives. Plan on being a great step mom to this boy and enjoy your wedding!

Post # 12
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@somerset14: 

Oh good, I’m glad to hear he told you about everything up front, I wasn’t sure from your first post if he told you upfront, or only after the child was proven to be his.

You guys don’t have to decide everything now/today regarding visitation with the son, that might be something that just naturally develops over the next few years.

I don’t really have any specific tips on how to deal with the next few weeks before the wedding, sorry. Obviously, the situation is not ideal – but, you love him, he loves you, and you have been completely honest with each other. Be there for him, but make sure to take care of yourself at the same time – he’s under a huge amount of stress right now, and is probably angry and embarrassed, and scared about finding out he fathered a child. Good luck with everything!

Post # 13
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Maybe you can call a counselor (is one offered by your company? mine offers “hotlines” which is why i’m bringing it up) and see about some ways to maybe help your Fiance….there may be some tactics you aren’t aware of.

If he’s angry and withdrawn, maybe there is something you can do, like bake him some cupcakes or something. Just lets him know you’re thinking about him, even if he’s just stewing personally right now. It may take awhile for him to snap back into himself. In the meantime, you’ll just have to buck up and be HIS rock. He needs you and all you can do is be there for him and be the clear headed thinker.

Post # 15
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow, that is a ton to take in. BUT step outside the box and read all the wonderful things you said about your fiance. If you guys are in love, find a way to work through it. From the sounds of it, you are still in the initial shock of everything so time and preparation will heal this wound. Stuff happens, trust me if I could share half of the Jerry Springer syndrome I have seen in my family this would seem like small potatoes.

Good luck!

Smile

Post # 16
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this so close to your wedding day. As I am sure you have figured out, this is a life changing event. I admire you for being so supportive and understanding. It is completely natural for you to feel the way that you do. It is obvious that you guys have a great and open relationship. I am sure he feels as though he has hurt you and let you down, which is probably why he is so withdrawn. Meeting with an attorney and counsoler will answer a lot of your questions and hopefully give you the tools to move forward in a positive way. Just try and focus on how strong you guys are… you can make it through anything, which is more of a reason to celebrate your upcoming marriage. Best of luck to you. I will keep you in my thoughts.

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