Post # 1
Sigh. I had posted yesterday that I was thinking about bringing up marriage with my SO last night.
Thought I had convinced myself to bring up the marriage talk tonight ..
Well ..it somewhat happened but not really how I had pictured or planned it to. He made a couple insensitive jokes last night, which I am normally fine with, but I was just overly emotional yesterday.
So I got upset. He asked why I was upset. And somehow that turned into me pouring my heart out about how we’ve been together for going on 1.5 years and haven’t discussed the future in terms of us yet. (Probably not the best way to go about it .. my emotions got the best of me,)
He started off by telling me he loves me truely and deeply. And that I should know he means that with his whole heart because it took him over a year to say it. He went on to say he doesn’t say or do things until he feels it 100% and knows it’s completely real.
He said he wants a long future for us and sees us being together, and that he’s open to talking about anything with me even if his answer is “I don’t know yet”. He ended the convo by stating, “I know that we have been together for a while now and it is getting to the point where we should have those types of conversations and honestly that excites me a little bit. “
That’s pretty much it. Overall, I know it was a positive conversation. But for some reason, I’m just a mess right now. The word “married” or “marriage” was never used. And due to his way of taking his time on things, I feel like I could be waiting for quite some time. A long time.
Post # 3
@pokie45: It’s a good start, for sure. I’d give him a day or two to mull it over and for you to cool off a bit. It’s so hard not to get emotional when talking about these things. If it doesn’t come up naturally, I see no problem with “so I’d like to have that future talk now if you don’t mind.” And then you simply ask: “where do you see yourself in 5 years? Because I’d like to be doing x, y, and z.” If he needs time to answer that, let him have it but remain firm. Your timelines have to match up a bit first, then you can start making plans for how to get there. Good job making the first step!
Post # 4
@pokie45: I did not keep my end of the bargain and have the talk with you!!! Glad you did though. Even if its not EXACTLY what you wanted/thought you would hear, you got your point out. Remember too that it did come somewhat out of the blue for him, so I totally agree with soobysays….give him a few days to think it over. He sees a future with you, and that pretty much sums it up 🙂
Post # 5
Well, the floodgates have been opened and “those types of conversations and honestly that excites me a little bit” at least he is willing to talk about the future of US now! That’s a beginning…
Post # 6
I agree with the other two comments.. give him some time to think over your talk. He’ll make it clear on whether he’s on the same page as you and when he’s ready for a committment. Good job on speaking out and voicing your opinion. 🙂
Also, it may not be as long of a wait as you think. One of my best friends SO said he was thinking he’d be ready for a committment in 2 years (after they had been dating 2), then ended up proposing the next day! Sometimes its more of a test on his part. That’s not always the norm, but it happens. Keep your head up and give it time.
Post # 7
@mrssoontobeh: Ahhh! It honestly is really hard to do it as planned. If I hadn’t gotten upset, I wouldn’t have done it. Do you have another time in mind? Maybbeeee this weekend? Good luck. And thank you.
@SoobySays: I definitely would like to discuss timelines with him. Now I have to muster up the courage to have THAT talk. Sigh …
@happyface: It’s a beginning, yes … the beginning of waiting! 🙂
@SunshineGirl10: Not sure. Like I said, he takes a very long time on things. I didn’t ever think we were ever going to make it official when we were dating ..it took forever. Don’t even get me started on the I love you thing. But at least when it happens, I know he’ll be truely ready. That’s a positive.
Post # 8
@pokie45: HAHA! Only reason that I didnt is because I got allergy shots yesterday and had a HORRIBLE reaction. So instead of us talking about it, he took care of me instead. I think Ive decided that he knows what I want. When I drunk talked to him last week, I asked if it would happen within the year, and he said YES. So really, how much more can I do. Its out there, he knows what I want, he has called me his wifey/told me that he has told his students that he is gonna marry me, told his friends he has met the girl he is gonna spend his life with. I dont think I need to have the talk anymore…..or am I just chickening out??
Post # 9
Well, looking at the actual facts, I’d say it went well.
No doors were closed.
He sees a long term future with you and feels excited about it.
That sounds good to me. If you can find the patience, you will get what you want.
Post # 10
@mrssoontobeh: Aw! That’s great that he has given you somewhat of a timeline. I would say you’re golden. You know it’s coming. You’re both on the same page. I bet he’s making all kinds of plans! Or has at least thought about them. Keep us updated!
Also ..I need to get us both intoxicated in the near future … we hold nothing back then!
@sassy411: Patience. Ahhh ..patience. I’m going to really have to practice at that.
Post # 11
@hebbywebby Congratulations on having your first conversation.
If it were me, I would want to get very clear answers on where he stands on marriage, marriage to you, and if so, how soon he saw that in your futures.
After investing a year and a half I think its perfectly normal for you to need to know that you are on the same page with what you both want for your futures. I hope you two have the talk soon and it goes well. No need to rush him, patience is a virtue because you do want him to be sure, but also no sense in continuing to invest in something if your future goals and time frames are not aligned. Good Luck and keep us posted…I hope it all works out.
Post # 12
i just want to say that is very good that it “excites” him!!
Post # 13
I went back and read your last few threads on the topic, and it sounds like you’re in a good place and experiencing a natural progressin of these things! My SO brought up the fact that he wants to marry me long before I was thinking of talking about it, but now I think I’ve outpaced him in terms of specifics… Like your SO, he likes to think of reception ideas, ceremony locations (I caught him looking on the Disney Wedding website before a trip to Disney World a year ago!), etc… But as soon as I ask him point-blank when he sees this happening, he gets really shy and says he doesn’t know. I hate to reinforce gender stereotypes, but I wonder if it’s just a male/female thing; he just likes knowing that we both want to get married to one another, but isn’t too concerned with the when and how, whereas on my part, as soon as I know that’s on the table, I want to be in control of every aspect of this process and know what’s happening, when it’s happening, and where it’s happening! It’s not that I’m dying to get proposed to right away, but it would be nice to know that we are on the same page as far as when we see this happening, especially since it comes up so often (and it’s definitely not always me bringing it up!)
At any rate, it sounds like you guys are in a good spot for having dated just under 1.5 years; you know you aren’t wasting each other’s time, and he’s open to talking about marriage, even if you aren’t actively planning anything. Give it some time, and don’t drive yourself crazy in the meantime! However, if you feel like for your own sanity you need some more specifics, I absolutely don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking when he sees this happening, or even just asking when he sees himself getting married (if you’re nervous about the pressure of asking it in specific terms of you two). Even if he says he doesn’t know or hasn’t thought of a timeline much, then at least you know that, and maybe it will help him start thinking about answers to the questions you’re having.
Post # 14
@MadameX: I appreciate your feedback! Im trying to stay calm about it all. I’ve been thinking more about it in the last 24 hours, and I guess the thing that bugged me most is he never said “I see us getting married.” or “I want to marry you some day.” I feel like he was very careful about his word choices. Like I said, he mentioned wanting a long future and never wanting to be with anyone else, but he never did come out and mention marriage. I wonder why.
Post # 15
@pokie45: This is all good! if anything like my SO he will not want to say the word ‘marry’ until hes ready, I think its quite normal to initially be a bit vague about it, saying it out loud makes it real and imminent.. just give him a minute to mull it over and I am sure, from the sound of it he’ll be positive.. I took 3 years to bring up the subject, and now.. 6 months after that he has used the word marriage, just, so don’t be disheartened, it all looks really positive for you!
Post # 16
Probably because he’s a sensible guy who understands he can’t put toothpaste back in the tube. He knows once he mentions the M word, his life will change, you will change, conversations will suddenly be about nothing else.
He’s not ready for that yet. Again, no doors were closed on your future together. I’d leave it all alone for 6 mos at least and focus on being fun to be with. Be the woman he fell for in the first place. Take all of your wedding anxiety and dump it here, where it’s safe.