Post # 16
- Wedding: July 2017 - Omni Bedford Springs Resort
Thank you for your response. You touched on so many of the things that I’m currently feeling. I want to start off by saying that I actually have met several times with a wonderful counselor who specializes in dysfunctional families. I started going to her at the end of 2014. Before that, I still didn’t even know that my family was abnormally messed up She has taught me a great deal, but due to a temporary gap in health insurance, I am unable to see her for the time being. That is making this extra difficult.
I keep looking forward to being the healthy me in the future, though I have no idea what that will actually be like. It seems impossibly far away right now. I have been programmed to viciously annihilate every shred of my own self-worth for every mistake I make, and also to doubt myself completely for every decision. I keep going back to “What if I’m wrong? What if this really wasn’t necessary?” etc.
I have been lurking quite a bit on DWIL, and am putting together a reading list for when I have a little more free time. I have already learned a lot from the people there, even though I’ve only discovered the board within the last month.
My feelings about all of this change many times in any given day. I go from feeling that there’s absolutely no other way to proceed with my life, to severely angry that my parents couldn’t just be decent, normal people, to sad that I’m missing out on the little good that I did have with them, and on and on.
Did you announce to your family that you were going no contact? I am not able to be very assertive with mine, and had been planning on just letting things fade, but I keep getting antagonistic messages from my dad. I’m thinking that he might need me to spell it out for him. :-/
Post # 17
I’ll pm you the answers to the questions you asked. 🙂
I do want to say though that your feelings are normal and questioning yourself is normal. You have to be patient with yourself. You’re going to be able to rationalize your feelings but it’s not going to stop you from feeling them entirely. In some ways you’ll feel like a split person. It’s a process and it does take time. Try to remember the things you worked through with your counselor and use those same skills to find the strength in yourself. Define clearly what you want and define it for what you can control. You can’t control toxic people or make them healthy. You can control a healthy future and making yourself healthier. Your mind isn’t going to get much rest. You’re going to go through all those emotions, all the history, all the “what if” a million times and more. It’ll be especially hard around a wedding and doing things that would involve healthy parents. However, you deserve to be happy and you can get to a place of closure. It’s all in your control and you will get there when it’s time. You have to remember all that time you spent in a toxic or abusive situation. Pulling yourself free from that is going to take time.
Post # 18
I know how that feels 🙁 my sisters are sucked right into it but my dads side of the family knows. They’ve been divorced for almost 30 years but it’s still nice to have others know
Most think my mother is a saint until they are around her for a few years, then they realize that something is majorly wrong. It’s soooo hard to hear how my mother is some long time suffering martyr gift from God.
They are completely wrapped around her finger and sucked up in her manipulations and it makes me sick.
It sounds like you can open up to your cousin. If people get upset with you, just keep reassuring yourself. You’re not manipulated by your parents, they are.
Post # 19
I am sorry for your loneliness. I feel that way a lot. Take refuge in the kindness of your new husband and in-laws. Along with the people from your past who deserve to share your journey, they are your family now.
Post # 20
This week marks 1 year of me not talking to my mother. Previously I had not spoken to her in two yeras and only made amends out of duty.
I’m the last one in her family to stop talking to her. She has severe mental illness, and an awful obsessed, paranoid, cruel personality. I don’t know where the illness starts and the personality ends, and that’s what kept me coming back for so long, but ultimately I decided it didn’t matter the reason for her not being a good person, she was not a good person to be around and my health and happiness are more important to me than hers. I also learnt that you cannot help someone who refuses to help themselves.
So my mum won’t be invited to my wedding. Honestly I feel guilty about it, more than upset. I do feel upset though about missing out on the mother daughter stuff, even though I know there’s too much between us for her to perform that role, even if she was invited. On the day I’m just going to focus on the people I do have, that love me, and of course on Fiance. At the end of the day there are few families that are “complete” in that they are alive, healthy, happy and harmonious with mother, father, siblings, grandparents etc.
I’m sorry that you are dealing with this Bee, just know you are not alone.
Post # 21
I’m so sorry you’re going through this bee. I’m dealing with the same issue, and it will only make us stronger in the end!! I’m not inviting my parents due to a falling out and them being toxic. I’ve gotten a lot of backlash from extended family, so they aren’t invited as well. At the end of the day, all that matters is the union of your marriage in front of people who lift you up. If someone doesn’t do that for you, they don’t need to witness your magical day!!! Best of luck darling!
Post # 22
My Dad is not invited to my wedding, and my mother is no longer with us. I stopped talking to my dad after he and my mom got divorced (there is a lot of backstory, infidelity, my mother’s illness, which all resulted him deciding not to come home after work, throwing away a 25 year old marriage). Once they got divorced, I finally added up all of the little things I realized in my childhood. He clearly favored my sister over me, and denied it. He was clearly an alcoholic, buying a case of beer after work and finishing most of it before dinner. He treated me poorly throughout my childhood, and got angy with me when I stood up for what was right. The list goes on.
My dad is not allowed on the premises, and the off duty cop who is serving as security for our wedding is informed. Stay strong, and do what is best for you.