Bee's who didn't "just know" – Why did you get married?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
8016 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

when you say “just know” do you mean a love at first site?

i didn’t want to go on a second date with my husband.  but prior to meeting him i decided i was going to give the person more than one chance to see if 1st dates were just awkward.  fast forward a few months and many fun dates later, my mom, my friends, everyone knew he was the guy for me.  it took me another month or 2 to realize i loved the guy and wanted to marry him.

similar with my wedding dress.  i tried on a bunch of dresses and was getting bored with the process.  none made me scream this is it!  i put on one dress my mom said it looked beautiful (not that she didn’t say it about almost every dress) and i said i’ll take it.  i did love my dress but many others very perfectly beautiful too.

Post # 3
Member
3014 posts
Sugar bee

If you feel certain, that’s all that matters. I didn’t have one solid eureka moment either about DH. Knowing he was the one for me was a more gradual process. I began to suspect he might be pretty early on, then as time went on that feeling grew more and more secure. I can’t date it to an exact moment, and nor do I need to. 

Post # 5
Member
3014 posts
Sugar bee

gratitude :  Are you sure it’s the lack of a defining moment that’s chipping away at your certainty? Because that seems pretty arbitrary to me. It’s like, I don’t know the exact moment I decided to be an English major, or pursue a career in editing, but I still knew I wanted to do those things. Could you elaborate a little more on why the lack of a moment is a big deal to you? I am genuinely curious.

With my husband, I didn’t have one defining moment, but rather a series of small moments that eventually culminated in me just knowing with every fiber of my being that I wanted to marry this guy. We’ve talked about it and his experience was the same…no sudden moment, just a calm and gradual certainty.

Post # 6
Member
715 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think it’s true that most couples do ‘just know’ right away. It sounds to me very much like you’re sure, and not having that hit you all at once should not deter you. 

I actually think that more couples say that they ‘just knew’ right away than actually did. It’s easy to look back on the past and remember it through the rose coloured glasses when you know how the story ends. My parents didn’t even ‘just know’ and they’ve been married for 40 years and are the sweetest most loving couple I know. 

Personally I think that if everything is too much of a fairy tale then you’re less likely to understand the hard work that actually goes in to a relationship that spans 40+ years. 

Post # 7
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

It sounds like you do just know! What your describing is the confidence that many attribute to that “just know” feeling. You’re able to explain it, and why you know, but it’s still the same type of feeling.

In the beginning I didn’t know, further in, I just knew. Then when he proposed, I was already so sure for all the reasons you’re listing.

Post # 8
Member
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I never had a eureka moment. My DH and I have been with each other through the best and worst of times. We love each other and love spending time together. We have similar belief system and life goals. 

Post # 10
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Health insurance.  We got married for health insurance.  

But we would have been perfectly happy living together.  I even offered a Registered Donestic Partnership if he’d prefer that.  But he said no, he’s all in.

Post # 11
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I really don’t believe in love at first sight in any sense of the word. I truly believe that you can fall in love with different people and that there isn’t just “one” person for you. 

I love my FI to death and know that he is the one I want to marry. He is my best friend, a great father figure to my son, and so much more. But there wasn’t one moment where I just “decided” he was the one to marry. It was a culmination of our years together, the fact that we rarely fight and things are easy. We just work together. We share similar goals, parenting styles, and we share a vision of how we want to spend our lives together. We’ve been together through good, bad and indifferent. 

For reference. Someone i’m very close to is divorced and now remarried. Her first marriage was exactly what you’d imagine. It was a white wedding that was perfect and her and her ex were madly in love. Love at first sight, as she’d say. It was great, everyone was happy, we loved him. 

Fast forward a few years, they end up getting divorced. 

Fast forward to now, she is re-married to a fantastic man. He fits so well with our familiy, he is wonderful and she loves him. They’ve been married for many years, now. 

I believe you can fall in love with many people in your lifetime, there is typically more than one person out there that you can live your life happily with. 

When you just “know” there are always logical reasons behind it. He is kind, he is caring, he is a great person, he is humble, smart….go on. I don’t think its just a feeling really, there is a logical explaination behind it. 

 

Post # 12
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - State Park

I didn’t “just know” and life is not a romcom. If I force myself, I can say that I do remember I moment when I realized that I wasn’t sure how I felt about him but that I knew I didn’t want anyone else to date him until I figured it out. 

I think “I just know” is an easy way to say why or how you jumped all in when you have a whole lot of intangibles floating around. I’m not sure I could verbalize *exactly why* I want to spend forever with him. And I think it’s super possible (more than likely) that “I just knew” didn’t happen all at once but over time… and again is a good stand in for all the unquantifiable reasons.

Marriage should really be just as much a rational decision as it emotional. If all the boxes are checked except for one that isn’t quantifiable then… why WOULDN’T you get married?

 

Post # 13
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee

I think the two things (eureka moment and just knowing) actually conflict i.e the reason we say we ‘just knew’ is because there was no eureka moment, it was something that had built up over time and we couldnt place a finger on why, we ‘just knew’ it was right to get married. Its something that comes from time, seeing each other as family and living that way even though you dont have the label yet. 

Post # 14
Member
7761 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You probably have lots of smaller reasons and experiences why you two are compatible for marriage. That’s just as ok as having one defining moment. 

Post # 15
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I don’t know that most people do have a eureka moment. I’d say it’s much more common to slowly come to a certainty like you have. If you know you have a great relationship and are sure about marrying him then what else is there? I’m not sure what kind of thing you’re looking for. 

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