Bee's who didn't "just know" – Why did you get married?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

From what you’ve written in the op, sounds like you do ‘just know’ in the sense that you already know you feel strongly enough in your connection and life together that the answer is a slam dunk.

Post # 17
804 posts
Busy bee

There wasn’t one moment where I was like “Boom, done.” Rather, it was the culmination of lots of moments through some of the worst times and his sticktoitiveness that made me realize this was deeper than a causal dating relationship. 

When I realized that he would be there, no matter what, and we shared the same important values in life (to us), there was no longer a question of “is he the right one,” it became a question of “when can we start forever?” He can drive me up the damn wall, but the cliche is true, I would rather fight with him than make love with anyone else. 

It sounds like you already know OP, stop placing the “moment you knew” as the definitive answer. Rarely do people have one moment in time where they knew they were or could spend their life with someone. They may remember the time and place where they made that final decision in their mind, but that isn’t the same as an “aha moment” out of the blue. 

Post # 18
2445 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

We certainly didn’t have a big moment.  In fact, our 3rd date was horrible, and I almost stopped seeing DH, but I decided to give it another shot and after our 6th date, I knew he was someone I could have a relationship with.  We didn’t really have a moment when we decided to get married either.  After about a year, we started talking about it casually, and it seemed like it was something we both wanted.  (we had been upfront at the beginning of the relationship that we wanted a relationship that was going in that direction.)  Anyway, we continued to talk about it, and we decided we were ready and we went ring shopping.  No big momement, we just knew we both wanted the same things and went for it.

Post # 19
173 posts
Blushing bee

I certainly did not “just know” and neither did my FI. We have been dating for 10 years (getting married in 2 months!), so we obviously started very young (19 for me, to be exact). We both just thought it was going to be a summer fling…10 years later, here we are.

I cannot pinpoint exactly when I knew he was it – it was very gradual and not until many years later. I guess it was when we decided to mvoe in together 5 years into the relationship? But even then, I’m not sure, never wanted to put any pressure on the relationship. I just let it be, and as long as we were happy, then we knew it was working!

Post # 20
397 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I did not have a eureka moment. I can honestly say that after a few weeks together, FI and I fell into a routine where it seemed like we had been together for years. It was seamless and easy. There were no fireworks, rainbows and butterflies – and I’m okay with that.

Post # 21
1807 posts
Buzzing bee

When I met DH, I had made so many mistakes by jumping into a relationship so fast, before I knew the guys well enough to do so. So I purposely avoided that and took things one day at a time. So I didnt have one moment that I “just knew” it was gradual and more quiet. 

But when we got married, I knew with certitude that I was doing the right thing, and I would never find anyone more right for me. 

Post # 22
1029 posts
Bumble bee

gratitude :  have you considered the possibility that hindsight is 20/20? It’s easy to say you knew you were going to marry someone after it happened. The red flag here is that you are looking for reason to doubt. 

Post # 23
755 posts
Busy bee

gratitude :  If your lack of having an ah-ha moment is chipping at the certainty of your relationship, then I’m sorry, you’re either looking for an excuse to get out or your relationship isn’t that strong to begin with.

I know way more couples where love developed gradually and they didn’t have the eureka moment than couples where lightening struck.  My dad had to ask my mom several times for a second date before she agreed and they’re one of the strongest couples I know.  My best friend claimed to have the eureka moment with her husband and they’re going through severe marital issues right now.

I didn’t have the ah-ha moment with my FI.  We started off as friends and were friends for several years before he revealed he had deeper feelings for me.  I almost didn’t go out with him because I was afraid if things didn’t go well that our friendship was ruined.  There was never a moment where I thought oh yeah, here’s my future husband.  While we got engaged rather quickly (after 7 months of dating), it was more OK, I could see us being together forever vs ONE defining moment in times where the stars all alligned.

If you’re seriously having doubts then I think you need to reexamine your relationship.  And stop comparing your relationship to others.  Each relationship is different, each couple is different.  If you’re the type of person that needs to be struck by lightening, or receive some sort of sign that he’s the ultimate one, then this guy may not be for you.

Post # 25
977 posts
Busy bee

If by “just know,” you mean having no doubts that this is the man or woman you want to spend your life with, then yes I “just know” that my BF is for me. I also “just knew” with my ex, had no doubts, no red flags, etc. Although that marriage did not work out, I would never say it was a mistake because I can’t think of anything else I should have done rather than marry him at the time.

With my BF, we had a great first date, then a “meh” second date and I was thinking of not going out with him again. Then he suggested doing something really awesome for our third date and I had to try again. It was such a great time, I knew I wanted to try dating exclusively at that point.

If you are talking “eureka” moments, I think that’s different and can be deceiving. I’ve had plenty of hasty eureka moments that turned out to be inauthentic.

Post # 26
1256 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Well we started off as friends, eventually becoming best friends, I kept my feelings for him hidden because I didn’t want to ruin the friendship but it was gradual, every day I would find more things to like about him. Then it was obvious he liked me too. We went to the Macy’s thanksgiving day parade together the next year in 2011, we had to be there at 5am, I brought us hot chocolate to share and then we saw the parade and I never saw him smile so much before. We got confetti all over us, when it was over he helped pick out the confetti from my hair and I got an overwhelming feeling of happiness from the whole thing, that’s when I started to fall in love with him. He asked me to be his girlfriend that Christmas and told me he loves me, I told him I love him too. I guess the eureka moment when I knew that I would marry him came over time, not from one moment, I kept imagining my future with him in it and I felt so excited about it.

You don’t need a specific moment to know, love grows over time so it’s not obvious when you figure out they’re “the one”.

Post # 28
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Well, I had a similar experience. I always expected the man I’d marry I would just get a lightning bolt and be done. But that’s not real life. 

I think you can have an “a-ha” moment if you are in lust with someone, but love, no matter the depth, takes time. Sure, I thought my man was hot when he messaged me. But I didn’t get shivers. Lust happens quickly, love happens over a series of mutual understnading type moments. Rom-coms will tell you otherwise. 

I was 3,000 miles away when my fiance messaged me. He was in my hometown and I was in LA living and working, but he remembered me from HS and wanted to reach out after years. We talked online for 2 months then when I was home we finally met. And actually, our first date was kind of a mess. He was nervous, and didn’t make the best impression. But as I have come to find out, that’s just him – when he is nervous he isn’t himself. Something inside of me told me to just give him more chances, and he bought a ticket to visit me in LA a month later, which showed me how into me he was. 

He actually told me he loved me the second night we spent together. I was like “whoaaaa ok I’m not there.” But he was patient with me. After a few months of seeing each other long distance, I found myself growing a strong like for him, which eventually ended up being love. The moment I think I realized it was when I was in a car accident when I was in LA and he was still back home; he was the first person I called. I didn’t call police, or my parents, or friends, my hands reached for him. 

Point is, don’t doubt your relationship just because you didn’t feel sparks the first time you saw him. Some people feel it, and great for them. But for most, it takes time. You find love in your darkest moments, sometimes. I am a hopeless romantic so my thought all along was “you’ll know immediately” but in reality, it was just an instinct to keep talking to him into the wee hours of the night when he first sought me out. Normally I would never reply to some online message. But my gut told me to just keep talking. And our love grew. 

Don’t doubt yourself bee! It’s ok to be cautious but remember we are all human beings and everyone has flaws; no one will be absolutely perfect the second you lay eyes on them. 

Post # 29
392 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

gratitude :  I didn’t know people have “you just know” moment. 

I certainly never did. I just met my husband at the right time, right age… 

I married him because we were at the right age, he was decent, a good family-oriented man and filled my gaps, he was extremely persistent with skeptical me. And I improved a lot as a person after I met him and apparently he did too. Both our careers really took off after we met.

He definitely has his flaws but they’re not deal breakers for me. I did not marry him expecting him to change any of his flaws. I just thought that they’re not something I should be concerned about in the big scheme of things. We had arguments and fights mainly because of our fiery personalities. But we are adjusting okay. Our families were supportive of us which was very very important for me. my parents were not supportive of any of my ex boyfriends so that really gave me that encouragement.

We had all of the difficult conversations that everyone tells you to have before getting married (looking at finances, how we deal with inlaws, what happens when one of the parents gets sick-what are the expectation, how often do you expect to visit inlaws, talk about money, habits including bad habits, do we want to have children? Any family illnesses, siblings, etcetc), and we ticked each other’s main boxes. So we got married. lol… He definitely wasn’t a knight in shining armor that swept me off my feet. I went through my risk analysis of whether I can put up with him for the next 50 or so years. We got engaged at 10 months of dating and by 1.5 years we were married and we’ve been married for over a year now and we’re doing okay. We had massive fights in the beginning over chores (we didn’t live together before marrying) but because we put each other and family first (we have identical life vision/values), we naturally altered our selfish behaviour to suit the family.

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