(Closed) Bees who didn't live with their fiance before the wedding

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@FutureMrsWeston:  I really don’t think I’m relationship savvy enough to be giving advice, but I’ll venture out there to say this:

I’ve been lucky enough to be able to spend a LOT of daily time with my Boyfriend or Best Friend… when we started dating in high school we lived 5 doors down from each other, and now we don’t live together for old-school reasons, but we’re still within 10 minutes walking distance. So lots of time together. But we’ve also done long distance chunks too… Sucked. And due to future military stuff, we’ll do it again. Will suck. (but worth it, right? :))

Balance. If there’s one thing I’m a little nervous about, its being able to cycle in and out of long distance portions of our relationship… especially now that he’s gotten me a ring and the wedding bells are ringing in the distance 😉

I’m a pretty independent person and very happy alone and inside my own head, but Boyfriend or Best Friend is an big time extrovert. He’s happy to be with me/people pretty constantly. I get “full” and need to be alone, but that relief of finally having him around after he’s been absent kinda screws with my me-time moderator. Especially when he’ll one day go from NEVER home for several months on deployment, to always here, like in my house, HERE. heh. daunting! Very different mindsets!

I guess what I’m saying is, I’m going to have to be more and more purposeful about getting my sanity breaks and alone time, because including someone so thouroughly in your life just doesn’t allow those breaks to naturally happen. My relationship sounds like junior version of what y’all are going through, so maybe that would apply to you too! Be sure to take time for yourself, even when you just wanna stick to him like glue! Pace yourself! Sounds like you’re about to hit a big change, but it sounds like a very FUN one! goooooood luck!

Post # 5
Member
3230 posts
Sugar bee

@FutureMrsWeston:  I am going to answer even though I am not yet married but living with my fiance. It is a big adjustment and everything won’t go smoothly at first. Oh, and everything is an adjustment.  I think I would have taken our adjustment period harder if we were married only because I wouldn’t understand that pretty much all couples go through this. Honestly, it was hard at first and continues to be a times.

I think the biggest adjustment for me though was just how messy he is. For example, after I am done eating dinner, I like to go ahead and clean up. In our house, if one person cooks, the other cleans up. I want everything cleaned immediately.  FI likes to relax and sit around for a few hours or even a day before cleaning uo the dinner dishes. This drives me crazy! I have had to just clean up after waiting a few hours which makes me get upset at him. He has learned to speed things along (hours and not days) and I have learned to give him a few hours and not minutes.

Also, for some reason,  trash simply cannot end up in the trash can. Instead,  wrappers and peels will end within two feet of the trashcan but not in the trashcan. WTF right? We are slowly working on that one.

Don’t get me  started on the piles of laundry that cannot be distinguished between dirty and clean.

Just remember,  you love him and communication is key.

Post # 6
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee

You can love someone to the ends of the earth and not be able to cohabit happily with them, it’s quite a strange concept. What helps is a loving and giving attitude towards each other. Don’t ‘count’ chores – some days one will do 80% of the work, other days it is 50/50. This will go a long way towards a happy relationship. 

Post # 7
Hostess
23597 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@FutureMrsWeston:  We didn’t live together before we got married (other than the occasional weekend overnights) and there were a lot of adjustments for us. I don’t want to freak you out, because it’s nothing to get scared about, but our first year of marriage was full of fights and dumb quarrels. We always managed to go to bed without conflicts, so at the end of each day, we were happy for the most part.

Our adjustments:

-space from each other. Funny enough, I think this was more a problem for me than him. He loves being around each other all the time. I need a lot more personal space, and being married hasn’t changed that. Thank goodness for video games, they keep him in his room and…well, give me time to be me (and surf weddingbee!)

-agreement on large purchase items – stemming from buying the house and working into large furniture items for the house.  DH has always prided himself in being frugal, and while I’m not a big spender, i do have dreams for decent things in our house, particularly at (then) 28 years old. :). Literally, we spent 3 hours on the floor of a Loews arguing about which fridge to get. No joke.  Oh yeah and buying our house? Hours of tears on my end. I’m such a baby.

-the above stemmed into a discussion about how everything was changing. Darling Husband had a fit in the first two months about how he’s not living close to his friends anymore, and how much he misses having other nerdy guys to play and talk video games with.


But,despite all of our kinks and adjustments (that’s really what they were), we both feel so strongly that is so nice to have each other to come home to. He is my world and my rock, and I couldn’t be more thrilled to be his wife. We still quarrel from time to time, but overall, it has calmed down. Just give it time, and for me, my girl friends were who I leaned on when I most needed it. I have a famous opening line amongst my girl friends where I call them and tell them we had a fight and I need an objective opinion. No husband bashing, no biasing because they’re my friends. And the girls have done great with that! 🙂

Hope that helps!

Post # 8
Member
1598 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

first: DATE TWIN!!!

second: Pennsylvania TWIN!!

lol

Anyway, my fiance and I have been dating for nearly 5 years and although we had plans on moving in with one another SEVERAL times in those 5 years, it never happened (hello sudden family deaths, sudden family illnesses, job loss for the both of us, money issues, etc).

We are hoping to a buy a house 3-6 months before the wedding and I know it’s going to be a big transition and adjustment. I worry about stupid little things like our clashing schedules (I work 8-5 or 9:30-6:30, he works 2-11), the fact that he NEVER folds laundry, us arguing about whether or not to have a TV in the bedroom, me being a TERRIBLE cook, things like that.

I know little arguments will arise and we’ll have to adjust to living with one another, but I have total faith that we’ll get through it.

A lot of our friends/family members laugh at us and are highly doubtful that we’ll have a successful marriage since we’ve never lived together, but this upsets me because we’ve already dealt with so much in our relationship. I mean, seriously, we’ve dealt with the sudden death of his father, the near death of my mother, his job loss, my job loss, the near death of his dog, his hospitilization, credit card problems, etc, etc. 

I think we can handle an argument about laundry and dishes.

My biggest advice/best thing about our relationship: compromise!

Good luck!

 

 

 

 Tongue Out

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 9
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@FutureMrsWeston:  We won’t be living together until we are married for religious and financial reasons. The thing I am most nervous about our mis match in cleaning habits….I like to get it done and he leaves his dirty socks in the lounge… Will have to do some serious retraining!

Post # 10
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@FutureMrsWeston:  My situation is very similar to yours. We were long distance until we got married. I can honestly say its been AMAZING!

Before we got married I was so nervous about the little things like sleeping in the same bed, going to the bathroom, basically anything that required the space and privacy I was used to. I really wasn’t worried about things like sharing money or taking care of the house. My Darling Husband is the hardest working person I’ve ever met and we don’t think in terms of sharing 50:50. We each give everything we have to each other.

Personally I think waiting to live together is one of the best things we could have done. We don’t bicker or argue about little things because we’re MARRIED. We’re committed to each other for the rest of our lives so there is more weight to issues. We take more care to resolve things together. Also, because we were LDR there is this feeling that everyday is a blessing because we are with each other.

Post # 11
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

My fiance and I are long distance, but before we were officially together, we were roommates lol.  We live 2000 miles apart, but Ive ‘lived’ with him for a couple months at a time here and there.  We definitely have our differences, and it stems from Fiance having his own house for several years now.  Hes not used to having someone come in his house and do things differently, or not exactly how he wants it.  I’m not used to someone telling me what to do in regards to where I put stuff in the closet.

Also, i SWEAR that the first few weeks that Fiance was NOT a snorer…I was SO relieved!  Turns out that either I was a really hard sleeper at first or that Fiance was suppressing it, but he snores SOOO loud.  I love him like crazy, but man….sometimes I want to slug him so hard at night 🙂

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