Post # 1
Its been a long time since I’ve been around here, life has gotten away from me this year!
Im looking for stories from bees who have cut ties with their families – why did you? How did you? how do you feel now? Was there resistance? And anything else your willing to share….
My story – condensed version
I had a rough childhood, was abused by my drug addict mothers associates, had to care for myself and my brother from a very early age. My father knew what was happening and was indifferent. Eventually, my grandparents realised what was happening and took my brother and I in. I’ve always known my parents wouldn’t be invited to my wedding. As an adult, I’ve moved half way across the country and am doing very well for myself – house, job, study etc. I’m getting married to my fiancé whom I’ve been with for 7.5 years this year. I have always intended to have my grandparents with me at my wedding, and have purchased their flights and arranged (and intended to pay for) their accommodation. I called them last night to tell the, about the wedding for the first time, including their all expenses paid trip up here. The first thing they asked was if my mother was invited. I said no and explained the negative impact being around her has on my mental health. They said they wouldnt come if I didn’t invite her. I explained that inviting her was not something I can compromise on and asked if they really expected me to suffer on my wedding day for my mothers benefit, and they said yes. the conversation ended with me asking them to let me know their decision as soon as possible as I’d already arranged flights.
This post isn’t asking for opinions on whether my parents should be invited, I feel completely comfortable with my decision. It’s about the situation with my grandparents. I’ve only been keeping in contact with my whole abusive family for their sake, and won’t continue after they go. But now I’m not sure I need to keep doing it for them anymore. I’m considering cutting all ties now, but feel torn, since they basically saved my life. I dont want to hurt them, but I can’t keep letting them hurt me.
Post # 2
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I don’t completely understand, because my situation was not with my parents, but with my sister. My sister had some really wild years and then ended up running away with some boy who was no good for her, she trash talked my parents and I all around town. It was a horrible, and I can’t even begin to describe how much she tore my family apart. I know for people who don’t have something like this happen it sounds crazy, how could a sister tear an entire family apart just becuase she doesn’t want anything to do with them anymore? But somehow, she did. My grandma, who I love very much, took her side. This caused my mom and grandma to stop talking, and my papa turned on my mom as well. My mom and dad had many fights over what to do, and the whole family started taking sides. Most of the family has gotten over it now, as it has been a while. But when I told my grandma my sister wasn’t invited to the wedding because she hadn’t spoken to me in years and only wanted to hurt people in my family, she said she wasn’t coming either. It hurt me, but I can’t have my sister there because she does something crazy everywhere she goes. Even if it means not having my grandma there, I can’t sacfrifice a happy wedding day with no drama to have her there.
I know exactly what you mean by you can’t keep letting them hurt you. There comes a point when you just have to say, okay, fine. Of course, my situation is very mild compared to yours, but I do understand some where you are coming from. *Hugs*
Post # 3
I cut contact with my father and his side of the family 25 years ago.
Why?: My mother emotionally blackmailed both myself and my two brothers to do so when her and my father divorced. Even though we were all over the age of 18 (just) she used us as a weapon.
Since that day, I won’t let myself be held ’emotionally hostage’ by anyone. You don’t negiotiate with terrorists.
I’m sorry your grandparents are acting like they are. The ball is now in their court, if they keep to their current stance I would definitely have a period of no contact, from your side at least.
Post # 4
I never cut contact with any of my family but they did cut contact with themselves and this caused issues at my previous wedding.
My mother cut contact with her mother (I’m sure she had her reasons but I loved my grandmother who helped to bring me up) as did my aunt. I invited all of them to my wedding on the basis that as adults they ought to be capable of behaving in a civilised manner.
No sooner had the invitations gone out than I got the calls about “If she’s coming, I’m not coming and neither is your aunt. You have to choose between us”. I declined to choose because I wasn’t prepared to allow THEIR feud to blight my life in the way it had theirs.
Ultimately, my grandparents (who were local) attended. My mother and aunt, sadly, chose to stay away. Sure, I was disappointed but actually, my wedding was not going to be an arena for them to play games in.
In your case you clearly have very good reasons not to invite your mother. Your grandparents need to respect them. If this means that they don’t attend then that is sad. But they are adults. It is their decision and not yours to be caught in the middle of. Don’t cut contact with them but do express your disappointment while still sticking to your original decision. This is one of those circumstances where a compromise is unlikely to do more than cause you stress and drama.
Post # 5
Sorry about what you are going through. I think a lot of people go through this than we realize.
– my father. Raised me. I got separated and divorced about 5 years ago or so. He stopped talking to me, picked sides – not mine. He texts me rarely, just to see my kids. I still say happy bday to him, send him fathers day cards. Nothing in return. I sent him a wedding invitation. But I know it went right into the garbage. I always try to be the bigger person. He, on the other hand, goes around telling people another side of it, that I am the one that doesn’t talk to him. My sister also caused a bit of drama between me and my dad.
– My sister (a.k.a. Drama Vomit) and family. I set a wedding date for 6/7/14. A month or so later, after scheduling with vendors, my sister asked me the date through text. I told her. She said “that’s neices graduation day”. For 1, this is 1.5 years prior to 6/7/14. They live 3 hours away from me. My neice lashed out on me for picking that day. The 5 of them (sisters family) all called me selfish for picking that date. AS IF I KNEW that was her graduation date? I live 3 hours from them, I dont know what goes on at her high school, and how do you know this information in the middle of her junior year already? WTF? Then all the sudden, they are having a party the same day. So they want the family to all go there instead of my wedding…who is selfish??? Again, i’m being bashed on FB, dirty laundry is being said by my Brother-In-Law, and I’m being called selfish from all of them.
So I SELFLESSLY changed the wedding date the same night this fight went down to 6/21/14. And I never told them I changed the wedding date. They found out on their own somehow. I don’t care. Needless to say, none of them are coming to my wedding after they all threw a hissy fit over me picking a wedding date. AND I didn’t like the way my neice talked to me. I would never in million years talk to my aunt the way she talked to me. It’s disrespectful. My sister, who is 5 1/2 years older than me, acted like a 12 year old over my date instead of talking to me like an adult and asking me if i would mind changing it. I would have, I ended up doing so, but she didn’t have to act the way she did. For her actions – and her husband saying what he did on FB for all to see, and my neice talking to me the way she did – i don’t want anything to do with them. Not from anyone who vomits drama from the mouth.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry about all of this. I’m sure your GPs love you very much. But as PP said, they are making a choice. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. There are very few sources of unconditional love, and they happen to be yours. Remind them of that next time you speak. I always prefer to appeal to the heart and conscience when dealing with stubborn people. Perhaps they are doing this to held mend old fences. Perhaps you need to make it clear that that day simply will never come for you (nor should it, in my opinion)
Stay strong! I love your sense of self!
Post # 7
You know, I’ve read your posts and you give some of the soundest advise on this board!
Post # 9
Hey, I haven’t been the one to cut ties but I’m on the other end where the tie is cut with me and rest of the family. It’s my oldest sister that does it and I won’t go into details because it would be so long and emotional, but basically there’s been hurt, grudges, and unforgiveness over things from over a decade ago.
My advice is this: if they don’t go to your wedding, then fine that’s their choice but you don’t have to cut ties over it. That will cause more heartache down the road. For example, I found out my sister was pregnant 3 weeks before the due date, over Facebook. She kept it from the family, and think about what this means for the child as well because she could be so loved if her parents would only allow it.
Your grandparents love you but they must love their daughter as well. It must be so hard for them all these years to be in the middle. You know that cutting ties with them will hurt them but it will also hurt you more in the long run, than to respect their decision to not attend. My sister has hurt me a lot but when the baby was born, I was told by the only sibling she talks to and even though she does not acknowledge me, I still went to visit. I could have not gone like my dad and brother, but it is less hurtful to me to be act respectful of my sister’s decisions than to turn away because otherwise I’m just left with the pain. Hope that made sense.
Post # 10
I pretty much don’t speak to 90% of my family and that is a HUGE #. I am the youngest of 11 kids and I grew up closer to my neices and nephews than my siblings and even THEM I don’t speak to. My mother has about 35 grandkids (trying to keep count) and over half of them are within 5 years of me. Some are even older than I. My family has always thrown each other under the bus for something very petty and I won’t be a part of it anymore. I have not cut ties w/ my mother but I feel that is going to happen very soon. My father passed away and my mother told me flat out she won’t come to my wedding. For no reason what so ever. So since my father can’t be there I told her how hard that is and that I need her there. Nope, she won’t go. She lives 6 miles from the venue. I am having a small wedding. Maybe 50 ppl and most of them, like 80%, are my FI’s friends/family and our children. This has made it very hard for me, planning a wedding that hardly andyone I know will be there for. My family wouldn’t come and I honestly would not want them there. I feel empty not having the support of my family. Nothing I can do about it really.
Post # 11
I had to cut ties from my stepfamily after my stepfather passed away. They were toxic people and caused my mother a lot of pain in the 12 years they were married. Unfortunately this meant also cutting ties with my step nieces and nephews. This was heartbreaking and I felt scared for them as they were going to be brought up in this family that was out of touch with reality.
In your case I would buy the tickets if you can afford to, book a room that could be cancelled within 24 hours and send them an invite including a personal letter and the tickets. Right now they could be hurt that you do not want to invite your mother but in the next 5 months things could change. Good luck!
Post # 12
I have family issues to which I won’t wont get into but it can have you emotionally drained. My conclusion of the matter is: I am inviting everyone and whoever comes; comes. Its your big day and you shouldnt let anyone ruin it for you. Think of things as a new start. If anyone makes the effort then welcome it. If they keep thier distance, just understand and humbly accept and wish the best dispite. These emotional baggage can disrupt your ture happiness. Just be considerate enough to invite.
I hope you all enjoy your big day and your future life together. If these family members were cut by you or them. It wouldnt matter because most likely they arent contributing financially to make it happen so why let them ruin your life.
All the best.
Post # 13
I cut ties with my biological mother’s family a couple years ago, and I’m so glad I did. They were the most toxic people – drugs, alcohol, abuse, neo-Nazis, prostitution, jail, etc. My bio mother had attempted to use my younger half sister to manipulate me, and has gone as far as telling this poor child I hate her and never want to see her again. In reality, my half sister has my cell phone and I have told her many times if she just wants to talk, call or text, if she needs something, call or text. I still wanted to be there for her – it wasn’t and isn’t her fault that she is in that family. My bio mother made fake profiles on FB, used different cell numbers, etc to try to talk to me and figure out where I was. This woman never gave a rat’s ass what I was doing until I stopped talking to her, because I was so done with the emotional manipulation and abuse.
None of them are invited because it is emotionally unhealthy and harmful for me to be anywhere by them. If I could invite my half-sister without my bio mother knowing, I would, because I wish that she and I could be closer, but it’s not a possibility. :/
It really depends on the situation though.
Post # 14
I don’t know if I want to say that I cut ties with my family but I have limited contact with some of them. My one cousin who dosnt aknowedge me and my aunt by marriage who is fake to my face I lost touch with as well as my uncle via one of my moms brothers. I may not like them for how fake they are and how they treat me but ill at least be civil and talk to them if we are at a family function. the reason I don’t talk to my aunt and how she is so fake was because my aunt told my sister that I was in town for my grandpas birthday and she and my uncle promised not to say anything and ba boom ba bing they went behind my back and told my sister.
Post # 15
Thanks for the replies and support bees! It’s very much appreciated.
An update: they threatened to come and bring her anyway. I think im no longer willing to have them attend, but since that’s a big decision, I havent actually told them yet, I want to think on it some more. I won’t cut all ties, but I’m not engaging in any conversation about it.