- 6 years ago
- Wedding: July 2013
I write this with the heaviest heart I’ve ever had. I’m a regular bee, but I don’t want to post this under my real username because I don’t want to risk anyone I know finding it and realizing I’m having these thoughts before I make a decision. I warn you: this is going to be VERY long and complicated.
I’ve been with my Fiance for almost 5 years now. We met in freshman year of college and started dating a year later. Throughout our relationship, I’ve always been the “carrier”. He had no prior dating experience, so I led the way for everything. But into our junior and senior years, this started to extend to school work as well. Fiance was a terrible student, while I was an A student. I tried so many ways to help him get things done and pass his classes, but he always countered every effort with excuses or just plain not doing what he needed to do. Complicating things, his father passed away my senior year and Fiance ended up taking time off and then going for a 5th year.
Despite job prospects in many other cities around the country at my time of graduation, I decided to stay in our college town with him and get a job while he finished up school. I thought it’d be easier to keep him on track if I was there, and I also feared both being alone and how our relationship would fare long-distance (we don’t do well with distance; he is moody and doesn’t talk much, so I feel abandoned when he’s away from me b/c he almost never talks to me). I landed a temp-to-hire gig a couple months out of school where I was hired 8 months later. Fiance, on the other hand, struggled through the last year and really only managed to pass his classes when I took over and did his readings for him/co-wrote his papers at the end of the year. That was fun. :/
Somehow, though, in all that mess we got engaged. It was my idea, I asked him on the spur of the moment and he said yes… from there it just grew and grew, as these things do. I’m a rather nontraditional person, so I didn’t mind skipping the proposal thing, however I worry now that he said yes because he thought it was the right thing to do – not because it’s something he wants and needs.
I feel like our relationship is convenient for him. He never had interest in dating before me. I chased him for almost a year before he asked me out, and I was the first to do everything: say I love you, propose we move in, propose marriage, etc. He had this weird attitude about life that nothing he thinks matters so he might as well listen to and go with whatever other people say. Which doesn’t make me feel very good about our engagement and upcoming marriage in the least :/
Anyway, to the core of the problem: Fiance won’t get a job. He had a few in college but “hated” them because they were menial jobs like a grocery store or food services. I can understand that, and he did have a marketing internship his 5th year so I encouraged him to look into marketing or administrative type stuff. No luck. He finally got something after 6 months of unemployment this past October, but after an emergency surgery that had some complications in January, he quit that in February.
He’s been “looking” ever since. But looking for Fiance means looking up job listings, figuring out what’s wrong with it, and deciding not to apply. He’s sent maybe 5-6 applications to places since Feb and won’t follow up on them, giving him literally no chance to get an interview. I’ve tried sending him articles on writing resumes and cover letters, helping write his resumes and cover letters, reminding him to call places back and triyng to get him to go to our college’s career services center for help. He has all the time in the world to do this stuff, but his days are filled with video games, TV and playing basketball at our local park with high school drop-outs.
Because I’ve had some trouble with happiness at my job, a few months ago we decided to try looking in his home state where there are more opportunities than our current city. I thought, great, he’ll definitely find something if he’s looking outside this one area! Nope. I’ve been reluctant to apply to too many things b/c what’s the use of moving to another state and still living on one income? Especially since I’d be starting over at a new job vs. the one I’m at where I have almost 2 years of experience built up. Things are going well for me in the last month there, also, so I don’t want to give that up right now. I’m getting a raise and a possible promotion within the next couple of months, plus I’m eligible for the dental plan and I really need to get some work done on my teeth.
FI’s aunt offered him money to come and stay with them for a month and cook. The caveat was that he had to be actively looking for jobs the whole time. I let him go 2 weeks ago, but I put a timer on it when he left. I’ve been getting more and more frustrated, and I realized if he didn’t look while he was there, in the place with all the time in the world… he’s never going to. And, surprise surprise, he hasn’t. He’s done a couple more half-hearted job apps and put in stuff with some recruitment/temp agencies, but refuses to call the recruitment/temp agencies to get a real life appointment so what’s the fucking point?
I’m fed up. I don’t want to move to a state where I know nobody to be the sole breadwinner while he cozies up with his mom and gets told everything’s all right. I’ve supported us for the last 2 years on my own – Fiance gets money from his mom, but does that really count?
And beyond the problems with support and lack of initiative… I don’t feel fulfilled relationship-wise. I love him very, very much. I know I always will. But lately I’ve felt so unfulfilled. The wedding has helped to tame that, but I realize now I’ve been in love with the idea of a wedding. I want the party and I desperately want the marriage after, but I don’t think that’s what I’m going to get. He’s not at my maturity level, we have so little in common, and he just holds me back in so many ways. I’ve tried to bury this, I’ve tried to fight against it, but it’s the truth and I’m terrified to realize it because a part of me already knows it’s over.
I keep daydreaming about life without him.. with other people. That’s not how it’s supposed to be, right? You’re supposed to have trouble imagining a life where he isn’t there. I want kids. I want happiness. I do want that with him, but not in his current state of being. And I don’t know if he has another state of being… I used to think so, but more and more I just see him as a completely self-destructive person who will never rise above his insecurities and fears and laziness to do much at all.
And I cannot abide by that. I have one life and I want to live it. I want to go out to parties, do things in our community, spend time with friends and make NEW friends. I want to go hiking and do outdoorsy stuff. I want to feel appreciated romantically. I want to have children with someone I know will be there for me and them and be an integral part of that great adventure.
I’m so scared and hurt and confused right now. I could really use the advice of you wonderful bees as well as some insight from others who have been in the same spots. I can’t even begin to imagine what unraveling 5 years of a life with someone would be like…
But if it’s going to happen, now is the time. Nothing has been paid for as far as our wedding goes. Even the ring was bought by me, so there’s nothing to give back. I have the ability to renew the lease in my apartment that I love and I mean… he’s already at his mom’s right now. But I don’t even know how to begin having this conversation or go through with it if I decide that’s what I want to do. The mere thought makes me want to throw up.
(Oh, and because I know someone will ask – we are 24 (me) and 23 (him). Which I know is very, very young and I’m also considering as a factor in this whole thing.