(Closed) Bees who have ended an engagement/LTR: I need your thoughts & experiences

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Honey, you should never marry someone that you HOPE will change into the person you want. It simply doesn’t work that way.

If you think you will be happy with this man – THE WAY HE IS NOW – then go for it and I wish you all the happiness in the world. But from what I read in your post, it sounds like you’re going to be miserable and frustrated. Don’t marry just for the sake of getting married.

Post # 5
Member
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you think you’re in love with the idea of a wedding. With as many problems and potential future issues you’re seeing, it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind.

To me, it sounds like you’ve done so much for him that you’re worried about his ability to survive and live an adult life on his own. But if you leave him, that’s not your responsibility (really shouldn’t be your responsibility even if you stay with him). At the very least, he sounds fairly immature with a lot of growing up left to do. I have a cousin who married a great woman who was once previously married for a short time – it sounds like her ex-husband was very similar. She worked full-time and he refused to look for work. She eventually got so fed up that she left him – a few years later, she found my cousin. They seem to have a great marriage, have one child now and another on the way.

Just because this isn’t the best relationship to create a marriage out of doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be able to find another man to provide the stability and work ethic you value in a partner.

Trust your gut feeling.

Post # 6
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@KT808:  I agree.

It’s also a lot easier to end an engagement than it is to end a marriage. 

Post # 7
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I ended a 3 year long relationship with an engagement for similar reasons. The question you need to ask yourself is, putting aside the fact that you love him and he loves you. Does he make you happy? Do you make him happy? It sounds like the pressure of being so responsable for him is making you miserable and that isn’t fair and will not lead to a happy relationship. I know there is an impulse to keep trying, I tried for a year with my fiance barely speaking to me, in couples therapy etc. because I thought if I tried harder I could make it work but we were both making ourselves sick with the stress of it. She wasn’t mature enough for an adult relationship and it sounds like your fiance isn’t either. Let it go, be sad that it is over but get your life back. You are young and you don’t need to be responsable for a man who is acting like a teenager.

Post # 8
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

First off I am really sorry that you are feeling the way you are! **HUGS** 

I was in a broken engagement after 8 yrs and I know how you feel, mine drastically changed in another way but I see a lot of the characteristics that you have said in you Fiance as I had seen in mine. anti-social and withdrawn are not good personality traits for your partner to possess. I am glad that you have taken the time to contemplate all of this before you had gotten married!! It’s a really tough decision to end a relationship, especially after an extended period of time, such as 5 yrs. 

Please feel free to msg me if you wanna talk, I understand your situation, and I would say that if you’re not 100% happy in your relationship then I wouldn’t go through with a wedding. A marriage will only make things worse. You need to go out and live your independent life and you will find someone who would love to share in that experience. A future Husband has to be a best friend, communication is key and the fact that your b/f is so withdrawn and dependanton you is scary; i’ve been there. His lack of motivation will only come between you in the end and you will end up resenting each other if things don’t change.

I wish you all the best in your decision, and remember that the decision is yours to make. Don’t rely to much on other people, let them be supportive of you but if you allow them to make the decision for you and you regret the decision you make, you may end up resenting them.

All the best!!!

Post # 9
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

uhmmm, wow.  If you substitute the word “son” instead of “FI” – I think thats where the problem is.  You sound like a mom, not a excited bride to be. Somewhere in your relationship  he took on this “son” role, and expected you to follow.   Thats sad.

 

I think you already made your decision. You just have to put motion to it.

 

((((HUGS))))

Post # 10
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

@beecognito:  I’m so sorry honey, but it sounds like your relationship is based on codependency. You’re helping him get through life, he won’t do anything without you doing it for him, and he doesn’t even care enough to make a bigger effort to *talk* to you during a long-distance relationship.

You deserve better.

Post # 11
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Sounds to me like you guys have grown apart. You matured into a woman and he’s stuck in no where land, about to be left behind, because of his own insecurites. I don’t think you should get married as things are right now and you can’t change him. I know it sounds impossible to walk away from a 5 year investment, but you two are very young, this all started when you were very young. It’s not going to be easy, but sounds to me like you are smart enough and mature enough to think this through as thoughtfully has you have, you know something isn’t right when you fantasize about a life without him, alone or with someone else. It means your heart wants something else. 

I hope you can find the strength to move forward and be happy.

Post # 12
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Maybe as a step you can take a “break”.  I HATE breaks b/c I think they are just a pre-breakup or break up light, but maybe that will be what he needs.  Maybe he’ll envision life without you and it will kick him into gear.  He sounds a bit immature with the job thing (remidns me of my brother) and maybe a tad depressed. 

This would also give you the opportunity to see what you really want.  I think it is hard to detatch yourself from the fact that you love him despite the fact that your current path with him isn’t leading to the future that you want.

You ARE younger which means you have a lot of tiem to figure out what you want without having to compromise your vision of your future.

I hope you fidn what you’re looking for!

 

Post # 13
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sounds like the guy I dated through university:  he actually dropped out of community college, and I spent another 2 years with him while he “looked” for a job (ie: sat and played video games).

It took me moving to another province and trying to do the LTR that really brought it home that this was no longer a healthy relationship, and had never been a relationship between equals.

I recently found out that almost a decade later, he still lives at home with his mother and is un/underemployed.  If I hadn’t moved, I might’ve still been shackled to him.

Post # 14
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

My ex husband was the same. He refused to get a job, even when he had a wife and two little girls to provide for. His parents ruined him, they always fixed his problems and he couldn’t work for anyone but them. It was just a very sad situation to be in. I reached my end when we were living behind his parents house and he was doing next to nothing to better our lives. I left. I half heartedly hoped it would be a wake up call and he would get his act together and prove that he did in fact care enough to get a job and do his part. He didn’t, he loves his life now, no bills, mom and dad pay them and he lives at home. No responsibilities, since he’s taken little interest in seeing our girls since the divorce. It hurts me but I’m better for leaving. I am happy now with an amazing man who loves me and my girls. It is so nice to have stability.  I would say break it off and see if it’s a wake up call. Maybe he needs to risk losing you to see what’s important or maybe he’s just not ‘there’. I’m sorry you have to deal with this, it is heartbreaking. 🙁 *hugs*

Post # 15
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

OP, I’m sorry to write a novel here, but here goes. Hope you find some use from it.

I was with the same guy all through high school and into my first year of college at the same college together. He is brilliant, but has a lot of problems with family, depression, and following through stuff. These were evident throughout HS (getting a 5 on the AP test, but barely scraping a D in the class because he couldn’t get the papers written, for example), but he was so smart and so loving and so supportive of my own academic work that I figured it was no big and that he’d work through it eventually.

The summer after graduation, before I was set to join him at college, we found out that he just…hadn’t gone to classes for most of the spring semester. He’d been lying to us the whole time. I was devastated, our families were too…etc. He was able to withdraw for that semester, get counseling and go back in the fall. We stayed together, but things were never quite the same. I knew he loved me, and I did love him, but I felt like couldn’t trust him, and I was starting to be terrified of spending my life having to constantly prod and clean up after him when he constantly underperformed or let people down. Plus, I was only eighteen and getting ready to start my life as an independent young adult.

We broke up in the fall after the same thing (not attending classes, not telling anyone) happened again. It’s one of the hardest things that I’ve ever done, but I just couldn’t be in that relationship anymore. I felt TERRIBLE about it for months, and the guilt of having “abandoned him” still wells up during my own low points. I still care for him (just not romantically or in a partnership way), and our families were (are) still totally enmeshed — my parents very much came to see him as an adopted son. But he has spent the intervening eight years un- or underemployed, dealing (mostly successfully, but not always) with depression, and trying (and failing) multiple times to finish his bachelor’s degree. I graduated on time, met my fiance, and both of us are working towards our Ph.Ds. If I had stayed with my HS boyfriend, I would be miserable, and it wouldn’t have helped him at all. He’s a good person, but ultimately not a good match for me.

All of this Too Much Information overshare is to say: you already had your act together when you met your fiance, and you have continued to grow up since then. Your fiance has not grown up at all. Unless you see any potential in the future for him to get his act together as either a professional or an active competent stay-at-home husband and father, I think you need to think about moving on and finding someone who is able to be a really appropriate partner for you. Carrying this guy on your back, enabling his depression or laziness or lack of motivation (whatever it happens to be — and it could be all of those things) is going to drag you down too, I fear.

Christians talk about being “equally yoked” in their love for Christ. Fiance and I aren’t religious, but we both feel that it is EXTREMELY important to be “equally yoked” in our ability to contribute to the relationship. Your fiance just isn’t there right now, and in the time you’ve known him, it doesn’t look like he’s shown many signs of being able to get there. I wish you the best of luck with what I know is an incredibly difficult decision.

Post # 16
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@village_skeptic:  we both feel that it is EXTREMELY important to be “equally yoked” in our ability to contribute to the relationship.


I really like this, and I know my Fiance and I feel the same way.

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