- 4 years ago
- Wedding: November 2013
Evening ladies! (Btw, sorry so long!)
I need help with some anxiety issues now that the wedding is drawing closer. First a little background: I have suffered from an anxiety disorder (agoraphobia mostly) since I was around 11 years old, thanks to some super awesome abuse I endured as a kid. It basically ruined my years in middle and highschool, and when things were really bad I was literally waking up and having a panic attack every. single. day.
For me, panic attacks entail hyperventilating and being so overwhelmed that my body sees no other way to relieve me of the burden of the highly intense emotions I am suffering from than to purge me of them – literally. Yep, I started my day throwing up every day. Sadly, when I was younger, my doctor put me on (and kept me on….for five years) Xanax, which we all know is stupid addictive. After moving out of state and suffering incredible withdrawals, I was able to work with a better doctor to wean myself off of Xanax and start living a normal human being life again.
Things have been good over the four or so years since I was able to get off Xanax and work on some other things to keep my head on straight (yoga, chewing gum, self talk, etc), but I do still occasionally have attacks – usually in intense emotional situations.
Well, a wedding is an intense emotional situation. Probably THE most intense, emotional situation I could possibly be in up to this point. As a result, I have started to suffer from anxiety again, which has been exacerbated by the fact that I am currently in school full time and the planning has been extremely stressful on top of it. Mix in the wedding party having drama and my intense fear of social situations (i.e. – my whole family and all of our friends staring at ME during our ceremony) and I am freaking. the. fuck. out.
I went to the doctor and requested some Xanax. Yes, I know, I don’t want it either. I have stayed away from it for the last four years, and I have not taken any in that time. I wanted it as a last resort….the last thing I want in the world is to freak out so hard I throw up all over my gorgeous dress while either walking down the aisle or trying to say my vows to FI. Because given my track record for the last 15 years, that is exactly the kind of situation where that would happen. And given that I am already stressed out so bad (I am waking up anxious and panicky, not sleeping, I’ve already had some gagging attacks, I burst into tears for absolutely no reason, and everything I eat makes my stomach sick – classic anxiety for me), I can’t see it getting better in the next two weeks.
But I don’t want to take the Xanax AT ALL if I can avoid it. One, because I was addicted to it before (not like drug addict addicted, just my body needed it, and I am wondering if it made my anxiety worse, which perpetuated the cycle of my body thinking it needed it). And two, because I really, really want to drink at our reception. I know that sounds like a cop out, but dammit if I haven’t worked so hard to plan this thing with excellent cake, my favorite booze, good food, good friends, etc. We are having a champagne toast. Like…I want to be able to celebrate without worrying about a benzoate in my system from 5 hours ago (but that stays in my system for up to a week).
Do any of you have suggestions to help? Is there anything I can take that will chill me out but not make me go off my nut if I drink alcohol? What can I do to keep myself from panicking at the wedding? I am too ashamed to admit this to anyone else, as I’ve been doing so well for so long now. I don’t want my mom and friends to know, because they will just take pity on me and the constant attention makes it worse. Most of my bridal party met me AFTER I had gotten the anxiety under control and don’t know about it, and it makes me feel insane and weak to try to explain it to them. The only person I have talked to about it is FI, and he is trying to be helpful, but he just doesn’t really get it. And that’s fine, I can’t expect him to, he has never dealt with this.
So I need help from you guys, people who understand.
TL;DR: My panic attacks are so bad I throw up and I don’t wanna puke on my dress at the ceremony. I also don’t want to take Xanax. What can I do?