- 10 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
(P.s This might be long, but hey it might be worth reading cuz its so intersting.. ooo– ahhh– haha tempted yet? hehe) haha I feel lik everyone already knows my story but forgive me guys for talking about it again. I have been feeling like crap all week- hoping to not wake up for the next two weeks if possible. I understand that with long distance relationships comes frustration but we do need patience and to be strong to be able to make it work. We have been making it work for the last 2 years and it hasnt always been dandy but it worked for us. Just Lately, I feel so sad. So incredibly sad. And I dont want a patting from no one but him thats all. This all could be ” Aunt flows” monthly hormones lol, but I wish things get better soon. I love him with all my heart, with every little muscle and bone in me but something in my heart keeps making me believe that ths guy is no longer happy. in th very early of our relationship, he would always tell me how Im his sunshine and how when he thinks about me or even talking about me, makes him smile and happy. I dont hear that no more and of course I know that all that kind of cools off in a relatioship but I guess because were so far apart that since I cant see or talk to him face to face, a little reassurance from time to time would make me feel better. I was listening to this talk about marriage and the guy said that a woman to feel safe must be touched 30 times a day ( as in, a littl pat here, a hug, a kiss).. and I knowwwwwwww that my Fiance will do just that when were together for sure, I know that! bcause thats who he is but doesnt online suck? it does!! it sucks going ” Man if you were here, id hug you.” lol.. cuz you don wanna b told ur wanted to be hugged – u want to feel it!!
Im not gonna be so self centered and say that Im amazing and Deserve better because no matter how long I wait and no matter where I look, no one will ever be as close to his amazingness- I just love who he is. I would sacrifice everything for this man.. But heres the thing, culture does play a huge role in this relationship unfortunetly cuz my parents do have certain expectations. We dont have to agree with them cuz I sure as hell dont but what can a person do but try to pleaes everyone around them? My father has all these expectations. He had an expecctation that my Fiance would pay a friggin huge dowry ( Culture and religion related ) I basically battled up and said NO- even tho my fiance was down to paying it. But I didnt want him going through so much financial burdens at such an early stage of our lives together. So I said no and faught about that with my dad until I had my way. My dad asked for him to get me an expensive place and to put forth a certain deposit towards it, and even though my Fiance thought it was totally STUPID he didnt even flinch and agreed to my dads request, but I wasnt up for it since it made no sense to me, and again, I put my foot down and got my way as well. My parents think that Ive lowered my value and that Im not as ” valuable” as other girls. Whatever, I dont care if thats what they thik cuz I kno my value isnt based on how much cash a person puts forth. Then my dad comes out and goes, ” well, now he has to get you 4 grand worth of Jewery” Now before all you guys go ” WHAT! he has no right to ask that! its none of his business”- where Im from, it totally is normal. Doesnt have to be right, but its what is considered normal. And yet again I mde a problem but this time I have to be a little leniant to my parents wishes so they wont think im being a total Biatch and ignoring their requests. I said ” ok” but between my self and I ( and others who I love ), I have discussed how I would purchase a ring thats about a grand and we can give my parents the ” retail” price of it. sounds stupid right?
well, I wanna please my folks so they wont think I always go against them, and I wanna please my future hubby so he wont think that hes burdened and yes, ill still get a beautiful ring that I love no matter what. but for some stinkin reason, I feel lik NONE of this is pleasing my Fiance. I feel like he HATES IT this masive burden that just fell straight on his lap. And again, my heart feels so heavy adn sad this whole week. I feel like, hes getting so sick and tired of me even though Im seriously trying my best to make things as easy as possible. funny thing is, he hasnt complained ( accpt once about how long distance sucks )- I want him to be happy and hes been so frigini amazingggggggg by cooperating but sometimes my gut feeling just cant shut up. This Morning I slept feeling so broken. I have no idea what to do.. with just a few more months left for the wedding I keep telling myself to stay strong and to keep my head up and to go with the flow.. but what if he just gets so bugged that he just lets go? feels this sense of pressure and annoyance to the point that he just feels theres no point to continue? I know if this happens, its meant to be- but this is the man I want to spend my whole life with, have his children, be his partner through thick and thin and not being able to see him for another 6 months just makes it so hard. Im willing to seriously wait and put in as much as effort that is required to make it work till then, but wht if hes not? he hasnt given me a reason not to believe he wouldnt, but again its just hormones and bad gut feeling. I wish things were just a little easier.
thanks for listening bees <3 you guys are an awesome crowd lol <3