Post # 1
I have a six year old bonus son. I always promised myself I would never date someone with kids because dealing with the mama drama was so not something for me. Well, then I go and fall in love with the man of my dreams, who low and behold has a son. Of course, you get over the mama drama because the total package is worth enduring her. I love his son like my own and have never treated him otherwise. In fact, he never wants to leave when he’s here…but now here is my issue:
I don’t want children now after meeting Fiance because I feel as if he has already gone through all those things. Having a child regardless of the relationship with the other parent is a very emotional and special thing. Nothing tops a first born.. or does it? After several years together, I have chosen to not have children for other reasons, however this still floats in the back of my mind. We have discussed it and he is ok with not having any more children but also says that if we were to have a child together that it would be even more special because it was with someone he loved and not just a random one night hookup ending in said son.
Opinions, stories, thoughts, advice, etc. I want to hear it all please.
Post # 3
first off, i just think its wonderful that you call him a bonus child. thats so sweet. my boyfriend says the same thing about on son. he got a son without all the baby stuff. lol. my son is 3.
if you guys are perfectly content with one child, then thats fine. we had another child, a little girl, but we both want a few kids. that’s just us.
if you don’t want to have an actual baby for personal reasons, don’t feel any pressure. i got pregnant young by a stupid boy who didn’t want us. my son will always be special because he was my first. my daughter is just as special because she’s a part of the man i’ll spend the rest of my life with.
Post # 4
I don’t have any real advice but just wanted to say I could have written your post word for word. I, too, didn’t want a man with kids for the same reason. I also feel like my thunder has been stolen because he already has a daughter. I’m open to having kids though. I’m sure that those feelings will creep back up. Luckily there is no mama drama.
Post # 5
It honestly sounds like you and I are in exactly the same boat, down to the age of our stepsons! It’s a hard road isn’t it? I had a really really really hard time with exactly what you just said. I spent a lot of time crying about it. I felt like Darling Husband wouldn’t get to have any firsts with me since he had already had them with his son. However, what I’ve come to realize is that when we have a child, it will be just as special because it’ll be his first with me, his wife, someone he loves and cares for deeply. My stepson is amazing, and Darling Husband is a wonderful father, and all the firsts we’ve had together are definitely meaningful and special, but when we have our kids, it’ll be a different set of firsts you know? Plus because Darling Husband and the biomom weren’t together, unfortunately he’s had to miss a lot of firsts and just see videos or see them for his first time when he visits.
Post # 6
@bakerella: Your post nearly made me cry. What a sweet way to sum up your feelings.
Post # 7
@sunshine_kar: thank you for such a refreshing outlook from the other side 🙂
@NJmeetsBX: do you ever feel like a selfish bitch because of your feelings? lol I never know if I’m the only one out there that feels this way because no one ever talks about it.
@bakerella: I too have cried many tears over this. It seems so odd to me because one’s past is their past and I couldn’t care less… until his past started to affect my future. How do you deal? How did you get over that first bug hump when you kind of have that lump in your throat about it? I am pretty sure that we will not have children, but I can honestly say 85% of my reasoning on that comes from my emotional issues of him already having a child. On another note, I never thought I could love someone else’s child so much haha!
Post # 8
I completely agree with Bakerella! It will be special because it will be the first child with his WIFE! He will be experiencing everything for the first time with you! There is a huge difference when you have a child that lives with you every single day and you are making all the decisions together and raising a child together. There are many “firsts” that happen later on down the road that your Darling Husband may miss out on b/c your stepson may be with his mother. And you deserve to have all of those “first” experiences together too!
Post # 9
I see where you are coming from but as women, we are so very different. The way one woman handles a pregnancy varies differently from another. Each pregnancy, too, comes with its own sets of hurdles and idiosyncracies and funny moments.
Yes, he’s gone through that nine months of pregnancy, been with someone through child birth and had that experience of being proud to have a son. And yes, he’s raised the child and had very special moments with him too.
I don’t think that would impact your experience more than a few moments. Sure, there would be a nagging feeling that he “went through it before.” But i think that feeling would evaporate over time as you would be going through it. That was a story in his life, a story that has finished some chapters and now continues and has melded and impacted your own.
I wouldn’t let this feeling of “it’s already been done” change your mind on if you want a child. If you really do want a child eventually, it will be about the child and you two (and your bonus son). Not about this ex or the experiences they had.
(FYI: I too have a bonus child and this nagged me for a little at first but I am very excited to have children with my Fiance eventually and go through that crazy and fun and scary and awesome time with him).
Post # 10
I will have a bonus child, she’ll be 6 when we get married.. I’ve been part of her life since she was 2.. She already calls me mom and corrects anyone who tells her otherwise… I was also hesitant on having kids of our own.. I felt like he wouldnt love it as much, and neither would his family.. but he reassures me that it’ll be okay.
Post # 11
I had the opposite reaction at first. My bonus son is 12. Fiance was going through pictures of when he was a baby and it actually made me want to have children with him.
Ultimately though, we’ve decided not to have kids. Bonus son has 4 other siblings with the baby mama and I like the idea that he comes to our house and he is the center of attention. Plus, I’ve had some female troubles and I think going throught the TTC process and not being able to would be really hard on me AND Fiance is 10 years old than me and the thought of him having an infant at 40 is a little scary for him!
Post # 12
I don’t think having a child with you will be any less special because he has already had one. He will be more experienced, and know what to expect more, and probably be less nervous, but it is a first time for the both of you to experience together. My sister had 3 children, and every pregnancy was different, and every experience and child so special in their own way.
The same would be for your pregnancy/ birth/parenting experience, if you ever so choose to go that route in the future.
Post # 13
@Mrs.ChubbyBunny: I’m not sure I got “over” it. I got through it. I had to change my mind frame because I don’t think you can ever get over anything, but I think you can be a big enough person to get through it and see the other side. Sure, it may not be ideal, or the way you pictured life turning out, but what ever does turn out that way? You can’t help you love, and you can’t change what their past is and what that brings to the table. You can’t carry a lifetime of anger and resentment around with you, it’s exhausting, so what choice do you have but to accept it and make the situation at hand the best you can?
So when I think about the firsts, I sort of think about what the first will mean to Darling Husband. The whole pregnancy for instance. Well he wasn’t with his son’s mom, so he’s never “done” a whole pregnancy, just done snippets of ultrasounds and doctor’s appointments. With me, he’ll be there for morning sickness, back aches, belly growing, cravings, foot rubs, doctor’s appointments, maternity photos, the whole thing, not glimpses of it.
Baby’s first Christmas? We’ll get to buy a stocking together, shop for little gifts, take photos Christmas morning, not that afternoon or Boxing Day. We’ll get to plan and host every birthday party. We get to choose our kid’s Halloween costumes, take them trick or treating, know each of their friends by sight rather than (mostly) by name and know their parents.
The only thing right now that bothers me a little is the idea that our first born will never get time to be our only child. S/he will be born with a sibling and will automatically be a brother/sister. On the other hand, my stepson will likely be old enough that it won’t be like trying to care for a newborn and a toddler at the same time thankfully!!!
Post # 14
@Cash000: I totally agree! I’m happy that Darling Husband has done this before and it won’t be a huge shocker to him, and that we’ve had a chance to experience parenting together before having a child of our own!
Darling Husband is still getting used to the idea of actually trying to have kids rather than it being a surprise incident. He likes talking about it, but he’s definitely had to have a warming up period to the concept! It makes him all gushy now. He likes to call my belly my “german baby maker” (now say that in a bad german accent, lol!!!), it’s adorable.
Post # 15
The thing that worries me is I can picture my fiance comparing things when I’m pregnant to when his son’s mom was pregnant, without even thinking about it, because he would just be looking at it as drawing on his only real experience with pregnancy.
Unfortunately he hasn’t been able to be in his son’s life that much (not for lack of trying) so I don’t think the idea of firsts being ‘taken’ exists for us. What I know he is worried about is his son feeling bad when we have kids, because Fiance will be able to be there for our kids in a way that he wasn’t for his son.
I do think that us having children will stir up some major emotional challenges for us in relation to his son, but I also think that us having children would give us a new way to include his son in our lives, as a big brother. While I’ve struggled with the exact same thoughts I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s worth it for us to start our own family, it’s just that it will take a bit of extra work to bring it all together cohesively.
Post # 16
I’m really enjoying being able to read and get a little insight into other bee’s lives that are going through the same emotions and challenges. Keep them coming and it feels good to know I am not alone.