(Closed) Bees with bonus children, I want to hear your opinions!!

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

I was constantly worried when I was pregnant that it wouldn’t be special to DH because it wasn’t his first time.  He was constantly reassuring me that it WAS his first time–with me.  That no matter the similarities, every pregnancy is so different, they just can’t be compared.  My mom helped me the most because she said that even with the three of us kids, no pregnancy was the same as another, and that each one held special meaning to her.  It’s only really dawning on me now, as DD goes through the list of “firsts” that even if DH has seen something before, he hasn’t seen her do it before, and he is so tickled with her!

My birth experience was nothing like his ex’s.  My daughter did not behave the same (in the womb or out!), and he certainly didn’t feel the same way either.  It’s like seeing a magic show as a kid, you’re amazed every time.  I’m glad that I wasn’t psyched out of having kids with him, because he’s an amazing father.  Whatever you decide to do, you should know that it will be a unique and emotional experience for him no matter what.  🙂

Post # 18
Member
817 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Although I’m a bit different than you because I always wanted children, I did have my own worries as well when I ended up pregnant last year.

I was worried that he wouldn’t love our child the same, or that he’d mention things from when SHE was pregnant or having their son, etc. But I voiced those concerns with him and he said he would NEVER say stuff like that. And toward the end of the pregnancy, I was actually the one asking him questions about how it went with this or that with her! He couldn’t even remember! haha!

He did say to me MANY MANY times that he was so glad that he “did it right” this time. And that the birth will be so special to share together because it’s with someone he truly loves and plans to marry. That made me feel good.

And now that we have a wonderfully beautiful baby boy of our own, I love Fiance even more. We made this amazing human being together and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. It sounds cliche but it’s absolutely true…the kind of love you have for your own children cannot be measured, but it is measurably more than any love you’ve EVER felt.

Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t love his son or treat his son any differently (besides the fact that he’s 4 and ours is an infant — of course they’re treated differently techincally)….but there’s definitely something inside that is like a little idea in the back of my head at all times that stepson is just NOT my own child…and I’m sure it has mostly to do with him being tainted by HER.

Post # 19
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@Mrs.ChubbyBunny: I don’t feel selfish just a little bratty about it.  I can totally relate to your feeling of that critical experience being shared for the first time together.  A lot of the bees have made some really good points but at the end of the day, he’s done it before and there’s nothing I can do about it.  It’s not a dealbreaker but a bummer.  Still, it won’t keep me from having kids with him.

Post # 20
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Let me give you a different perspective on things, maybe that will help. I honestly can’t see your POV and maybe that is because DH & I both had children with other peple coming into this. However, if neither of you had children previously and you had 2 children together. Is the 2nd child less special because they came 2nd? That is honestly how you have to look at it. It is a little person and every person is different.

In My Humble Opinion and I could be wrong, but maybe there is some slight jealousy that you did not get to experience this first with him and that is where the feelings stem from. I myself have felt that way at times regarding his ex wife and things that they did that now don’t feel quite as special to me. I have learned to realize that he had a life before we were together and unless he lived in a bubble is going to experience life without me. Even though I had been in his life for 15 years before we started dating, it did not mean I was the one to share that experience. It makes him who he is and I wouldn;t have it any other way.

Post # 21
Member
10846 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@StormyRose: I absolutely agree! I mean, you sort of have this life map planned out subconciously right? Meet the guy. Check. Fall in love. Check. Get married. Check. Have kids. Check. Going through all those firsts together with kids is a learning experience for you both, and ya, it sucks and I feel jealous when I think that his very first was with another woman, not me. That wasn’t the way I saw it happening. But, life happens, so you just have to try to work through it. Humans are humans though and we’re jealous creatures by nature, so you can’t help but feel what you’re feeling some times! LOL!

Post # 23
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m gonna be an “official awesome stepmommy” as she puts it, in 2 weeks. I wrestle with the idea of not having any children with Fiance because he already has one, because she is plenty for me. I love her so much and don’t feel a void in my heart for children yet. I am also 24 so maybe I don’t feel ready yet.

He wants babies babies babies and she wants siblings so I think ultimately our family will grow.

When we first got serious I used to be SOOO sad that he’d already had that special first child moment with someone else but now my insecurity is entirely gone. She wasn’t a one night stand but she wasn’t a serious gf either, and is actually a lesbian so there’s not much comparison there, I’ll be his wife. He told me he never got to settle down and plan a family with her, get excited for her belly to grow like he will with me, etc. He is also excited to spend all of his time with our kids, which is a relationship he is not able to have with his daughter. He told me it was so long ago he doesn’t remember it that much, and a lot of it isn’t fond memories because he wasn’t ready for a child and was in a bad place and also didn’t know how to deal with her telling him she’s gay. He does comment that he’s proud of her for how well she did during the delivery and she definitely deserves that, she had his baby and he’ll always be thankful for that.

My stepdaughter’s excitement about becoming a big sister is so cute and definitely took away from any insecurity I had to begin with. She tells me I’m her first child, which is how I feel in a way… she’s my first love for sure. I know he’s excited to have a pregnant wife to show off and he’s not comparing me to her at all. He’s not going to be thinking “yeah my wife is having a baby but I mean, who cares? I already have a kid…” Even if his daughter were the result of a loving and healthy relationship (which I wish she was), I wouldn’t feel insecure or think our children would be any less special.

It’s almost like he’s MORE excited because this time it won’t be a surprise and he knows how amazing an experience it is. He knows not to ever say things like “well when ex was pregnant it was like this…”, but he will have some experience I don’t have and that will be such a huge help to me.

Post # 24
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@Mrs.ChubbyBunny: No, I didn’t think you would be jealous of her. You are jealous of the experience itself. But the point I was trying to make is that even if you and he had 3 children, each child is special regardless of the order they came into this life. And each pregnancy is vastly different. I am pregnant now and there are times when DH mentions a previous pregnancy with his ex and how things were and for the most part I am fine, but there are times when it does get under my skin. As
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bakerella: said..Humans are jealous by nature. That is what I meant by life experienced without us. Some girls might get upset if their Fiance had sex with someone before they came into the picture. You have to be realistic and realize that they lived life before you came along. Otherwise you will spend every minute wondering if he did something with someone else before you. In the grand scheme of things it will not matter who had his child first if you have his child. Because that child wil be different from the first and special in it’s own way.

Post # 25
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

gosh so many things to say to you …

First –  I LOVE LOVE LOVE the term bonus child. I will be getting three bonus daughters, two bonus sons in law and a new bonus son in law come June of 2012 and three bonus grandchildren.  My Fiance will be getting one bonus son from me.  So needless to say WE will not be having any of our own (kinda silly).

Second – I was raised like an only child as my brothers are 8 and 10 years older than me. (guess who was a surprise!) My own child is an only child.  Now I am not in any way trying to tell you,  you should OR  should not have children this is for you and your husband to decide but I was so lonely as a child especially since I saw how much fun my brothers had together.  They were roomates after they moved away from home.  They each own their own business and help each other out in them ALL the time.  Me, I always feel like I got the short end of the stick.  I don’t even have a sister to help me plan my wedding, stuff like that. 

One of the sadest memories I have as a mother is after a holiday meal one year my family sat around telling stories of childhood, of course most were about silly stuff that happend to us with our sibilings.  My son sat there silent, when I asked him what was wrong, a small tear ran down his face (he is 22) “I will never have stories like this, cause I am an only child”.  It broke my heart.

Third – The decision is yours don’t let anyone or anything presure you into this.  Raising a child is serious stuff , as you are well aware (since you have a bonus child).  If it is meant to be you and hubby will decide yes -if it is not right then don’t worry you have a great family already. 

I feel pretty confident you will make the perfect decision!

 

Post # 26
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

My Fiance never had kids of his own. He is now 48 and I am 44, I had a hysterectomy in 2002 so we will not be having childrent together.

Now, FI’s ex wife had 2 children when they got together, they were 2 and 6 at the time. Now they are 30 and 26, and still call him dad, even though they have been divorced for 5 years. The kids are great, call on Fathers day as well as other holidays. Heck, the 30 yo has 4 kids of his own, and when we visited last year, they started calling me Grandma. We weren’t even engaged yet.

I have 3 daughters with my ex, they are now 20, 21 and 23 and think he is a great guy as well. As a matter of fact he asked thier permission to marry me which was really cool.

Post # 27
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I am in a situation where I have a daugher and my Fiance has a son.  We have decided that we will leave it in nature’s hands as far as other children are concerned. We both love our children and although it would be nice for us to have one together, it is ok if we dont.

 

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