Bees with dysfunctional mother/daughter relationships…

posted 5 months ago in Family
Post # 2
Hostess
3881 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I don’t think I will ever stop *wishing* that my mother and I had a functional relationship. But I also rationally realize that simply is never going to happen. And at this point in our relationship, I don’t think we are even going to be in contact with one another for a long, long time. And that hurts a lot, but is really the best move for me at this point 😕 I have had several other really good maternal figures in my life, and I will always be thankful to them for helping to fill the mom shaped hole in my heart. 

Post # 3
Member
9211 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I was at a place of peace before I became a mother myself. Realizing what true love towards your child really is brought out all kinds of emotions about my mom, mainly anger. I will never wish that she and I had a genuine mother/daughter relationship because she’s a narcissist who just isn’t capable of that. But I do wish I had been born to a woman who was capable of that sort of love and who could be the kind of grandmother to love and cherish my son. She isn’t that woman, never was and could never be, and that’s what makes me angry and bitter, but those emotions don’t solve anything, so I’m doing my best to accept things and get to that place of peace I was at before. She’s still in my life because I can’t work up the courage to cut her out, and everyday gets harder and wears me down. I haven’t had a relationship with my father for practically half my life now either, so that makes it doubly hard. 

All to say, I know how painful this is. I hope you find peace in whatever form that takes. 💕

Post # 4
Member
5575 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

I found my peace while I was in treatment. I can’t explain how it happened, I just read everything I could get my hands on and accepted that my mother is sick and is incapable of being a positive presence in my life

Without therapy, I would still be in pain today, I can garuntee that

Post # 5
Member
5575 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

TheGridMonster :  I found that I got more pangs of sadness after my daughter was born. I accepted that my mother wanted nothing to do with me, which is actually the healthiest thing for me, but it hurt to think that she had zero interest in the most important little girl in my life. I hurt for my daughter.

Those feelings eventually faded though, my daughter does not feel a loss, and I’m incredibly lucky that my mother is uninterested 98% of the time (2% of the time is if she gets some kind of attention for being involved, if my daughter is sick or something). Because she’s uninterested, I have no problems keeping my daughter away from her

I hope you find your way back to peace ❤️

Post # 6
Member
960 posts
Busy bee

fcm16 :  hi bee, it aches a lot during big life events. i wish that my relationship with my mother is better without her micromanaging and gaslighting me. A mother who would at least try to understand me. I know i can’t change her, neither do i want to engage in her need to control every aspect of my life, so I guess i have to work on handling the emotions which flood me everytime I have big life events. I just attended my PhD graduation, but I have decided to not invite my mother nor brother. My SO’s parents attended the ceremony with my SO. I really appreciate having them around. My SO and his family gave me so much emotional support while I was completing my PhD while my mother didn’t even appreciate the fact that i got into one of the top 3 universities. All she felt was i am an ungrateful daughter who refuses to be nice to her, the so-called “so what if you have a phd but behaves like rubbish to your mother” attitude. I am going through a hard time right now, having anxiety and emotional dysregulation, feeling my family has abandoned me, even though I know i chose to limit my contacts with them. It isn’t the hardest decision given the fact my mother and brother never bother to keep in touch anyway.

I will probably yearn for a mother/daughter relationship with my mother all my life but I’m going to therapy to become more resilient to this issue.

Hang in there, bee! We’re all here together!

Post # 7
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Wedgewood Las Vegas

I’m not sure the actual desire ever truly leaves you. I’ve made ‘peace’ with the thought that I’ll never have that perfect relationship, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t yearn for it every now and then.

Growing up my mom was never abusive in the classical sense. I was provided for, and despite being very poor, I didn’t have to go without a lot of things. However, it was made clear to me very early on that I was a second class citizen compared to my brother in her eyes. He was the typical super popular athlete. I was not. I don’t remember her eyes ever lighting up at any of my victories like they did with my brother. She was always harping on my weight, my lack of friends, and her standard dig was always “Be more like your brother!”. Being the stupid silly hopeful one, I tried for  years to be a good daughter so that one day I could earn her attention.

That all changed last year. I had a HUGE health scare that resulted in having my thyroid completely removed. When I found out that surgery was the only option, I called them to let them know. They were audibly RELIEVED when they found out I didn’t expect them to fly to my city for the surgery. Yet, they never bothered to ask when or where the procedure was at all. The day of, they sent me a text that evening. That’s it. No phone call.  No flowers. No concern that my surgery went well at all, or that I had to stay in the hospital. They didn’t actually call me for an entire week, and then demanded to know how I liked being back at work (which I wasn’t…).

Since then I decided that they have checked themselves out of my life. In my eyes, they do not deserve to know anything else about my personal life. I have cut them out of my social media, and I only call them on holidays. I think I only speak to them 2 or 3 times a year now, and then it is only superficial crap. They don’t know about my business I started, or that my hubby and I are TTC for our first baby. Hell, I might not even tell them if we do fall pregnant.

Post # 8
Member
400 posts
Helper bee

fcm16 :  It will always be something you have to manage over the course of your life, until one of you dies. Then begins the phase of regret and what ifs for the one that is still alive.

My mum was the first love of my life, and also the first one to teach me about heartbreak. She has been part of every single self-destructive, dysfunctional choice I willingly made growing up.

But there comes a time when you must stop wishing for something that is never going to be. Stop blaming your mother for her choices. Take back the responsibilty of your happiness and well being in your hands, when you are old enough and grown up enough to understand that its too important a thing to leave in the hands of someone who has no value for it.

There is also a positive in this, and that is you dont have to repeat her mistakes. I have felt a huge sense of achievement in re-writing my own history. I have replaced the memories of my abandonment with happier, fulfilled ones of me being there for my children, and them lghting up around me.  I look forward to the future and hope to be a good and loving grandparent as well to make up for my children not having that with her.

I waited and waited to find a good partner, because I didnt want to repeat the dysfunctional relationship my parents shared. If it wasnt for that, I may have settled for a less than worthy man a little earlier in a rush to just be married. In doing so, I chose well and I found for my kids the father I wish I’d had. Sometimes I am a little envious of how great he is, and I wonder how it must feel like to have a parent like that. I watch them and think, what does that feel like?  A loving, present parent? I have no idea. But I’m glad my kids do.

Accept that she is not ever going to be part of your lfe in a meaningful way because otherwise the bitterness and anger you feel will mean that her actions still have an effect on you, and you dont have to give away more of your life to her than what has already been destroyed. For your sake, forgive her and let her go.

Post # 9
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

I wish I would stop. I know rationally that it would never happen but emotionally i still get pangs if jealousy when I see my friends with their mothers. 

Post # 10
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I don’t think I ever had that desire although I do kind of wish I did. My mother put me off mothers.

Post # 11
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2020 - Lake Tahoe

For me, it’s never gone away.

I’ve tried everything I could to push away that feeling but some how she always comes back and full force, too.

I’ve learned to just cope that everything will always be about her, just following my Dad’s advice at this point in just always agreeing with her and giving her what she wants.

We’ll never have the Mother/Daughter relationship we each dream of because they always conflict- Me wanting someone to support, love, and be a friend with in life and then her version- Her wanting a subservient child who is so perfect and constantly harps about how amazing Mother is and how lucky I am.

 

Both are unrealistic but sadly, that’s life.

Post # 12
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - Beverly Hills, CA

I found peace when I went completely no-contact nine years ago and I don’t regret a single day I haven’t spoken to her.

Post # 13
Hostess
1590 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

curryandrice :  this though. Coping meant following my dads advice and just agreeing with her up until this point. Now that I have a daughter I refuse to roll over and play dead and I’ve stopped hoping for her approval to be quite honest. 

I’m so done with my mom now that my daughter is in the picture and I’ve her to protect. 

Post # 15
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

When I had my son. My mother was a terrible alcoholic and part of that was due to the stress of being a single mother of 3 kids. I was sympathetic about it until my son was born.

I was kicked out at 18 and pregnant. My son was born 10 weeks premature and was in and out of the hospital for years. I struggled emotionally and financially for YEARS, literally wishing to die because I saw no way out. But I NEVER considered taking drugs or drinking or suicide to dull the pain. I knew I owed my son more and I would not do that to him.

While I do believe that addiction is a disease – she grew up with an addict mother like I did. She KNEW the choice she was making. I have no respect for her and while I wish I had A mother, I do not miss her.

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