Bees with dysfunctional mother/daughter relationships…

posted 5 months ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

fcm16 :  I understand how you feel, especially about the relationship you have with your Mother-In-Law. 

My mom and I’s relationship was always rocky, but it wasn’t until I moved away to college I realized how narsississtic she was. I was afraid to stand up to her up until the day of my wedding actually. I just felt like being married and having my husband support me (he was always behind me supporting me since we dated but still) was just so much more concrete so I just called her out on a bunch of her BS. 

It was until she showed her true colors with me and I just had this moment of “Holy crap, you are miserable with your life and yourself and can’t stand to see me happy and think I should be unhappy like you” and I said No. I wasn’t going to let her be toxic. I wasn’t going to let her think she controlled my happiness or any other aspect of my life. The big turning point was during a lot of wedding drama she would send page long texts that blamed me for everything and would ALWAYS say something about how she gave me life, she birthed me, how could I treat her like this and no matter what she still loves me. Typical narsissist. 

I see my SIL and Mother-In-Law and love the relationship they have. It doesn’t bother me other people have a good friendship and mother-daughter bond because I’m happier without having a relationship with mine. I have plenty of maternal figures – including my Mother-In-Law and my aunt – who know how my mom is and support me. I don’t every wish I could have a relationship with my mom because she won’t change but I do promise to never be like her with my own children. 

Post # 17
Member
658 posts
Busy bee

My mother and I don’t have a special or even close relationship and she’s the one who craves it the most.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t see how she acts and how it affects people. She is dramatic and things are always about her and how it affects her. She’s often a one-upper type person as well. My childhood with her was filled with drama and many things said out of anger.

She tried to force the relationship for many years until she realized she isn’t going to get it. She is a sneaky and coniving person at times and she knows I see right through it. She says things behind my back and I don’t trust her.

I think that at times when I was younger (I’m 30 now) I wished it would be better but then realized it was causing me more drama and frustration than anything. I keep my distance and maintain a semi-relationship.

I am much closer with my brother’s new Mother-In-Law who is awesome. I’ve always gotten along better with my SO’s mothers than my own.

Letting go and realizing it isn’t worth the drama and emotional rollercoaster made my life much easier.

Post # 18
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

I realized that she is an adult, and she made her own bed. She has mental disabilities and refuses help or realize there is an issue (even after I took her to a neurologist who officially diagnosed her). Your parents are just people. Why would anyone WANT to associate with crappy people? 

Post # 19
Member
1116 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

fcm16 :  I have a great relationship with my mother now, although I have to keep certain emotional boundaries with her. I don’t even think she knows the extent of how some things she does, hurts me. Every once in a while it does make me sad that she isn’t there for me in the ways that I sometimes need her to be as a mom, but you learn over time that your parents are regular human people with strengths and weaknesses just like you, and you have to do what’s best for yourself. Sometimes that means making boundaries with your parents, even though it doesn’t quite fit with how a “normal” mother-daughter relationship is supposed to be. It doesn’t make it hurt any less, but it is something you learn to live with and accept. 

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