(Closed) Bees's Need Your Advice of Etiquette with FMIL

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
13012 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Deep breath – really. 

Unless you’re having a destination wedding, you are sending your save the dates fairly early.  I would say about 4-6 months out would be more than enough time to send it. 

However, back to your original question.  Call her and ask for names.  Perhaps you can just stay on the phone with her when you say “The Smith Family” and she says, “Bill, Sally, and their kids Susie and John.” 

As for the numbers thing, you can ask her to prioritize who is coming and let her know that you really can only afford to send 35 invitiations for her list.  You’re correct in assuming that everyone you invite will come – that’s the appropriate way to plan an event.  Definitely don’t send more invitations than you can afford to host (there was a post recently of someone who did this and had to come up with an extra 10k right before her wedding!).

Good luck!

Post # 4
527 posts
Busy bee

If you weren’t crystal clear on what she needed to provide you (detail-wise), you can’t be too terribly mad at her.

Send her a spreadsheet with the columns you want completed … relationship to her (family, friend, colleague, etc.), first names, last names, children’s names (if invited) and total # per family if all are to be invited, address and phone number (so you have it later to follow up once you send invites out and in the event they do not rsvp on time.

Also, number the far left column to 35 (and include a reminder in your email that she only has 35 invites to extend … not to 35 families … 35 ppl total including children). Ask her to list them in top to bottom order of her priority on those ppl receiving invitations in the event cuts are necessary.

Good luck!

Post # 5
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Meant2Bee:  I think you need to sit down with her and go over the list. It seems she is not savvy with this kind of stuff and if you can and don’t live too far away maybe just go over there and ask her all your questions at once so she has to answer them And doesnt have to figure out now to type it up again to email. And just be super honest about the number of people you can have and let her know that the “probably won’t come” guests are not making the list. Just say it all nicely 🙂

Post # 7
13012 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Meant2Bee:  Fair enough!  I didn’t realize Memorial Day is early next year!  Then I take back that comment – it’s smart to send them early since people do travel a lot that time of year! 🙂  Anyway, try to keep taking deep breaths and talking to your Future Mother-In-Law about it all.  Maybe she just wasn’t aware how you wanted the addresses! 

Post # 8
8694 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

call again and ask her or have Fiance talk to her.

my FI’s uncle did not get an STD and almost didn’t get an invitation.

my friend was printing addresses for my envelopes.  i have 3 that weren’t done in the original batch.  i told Fiance he had 5 days to get me his uncles address or he wouldn’t get an invitations.  he already had 5 months to get it from him when i asked about addresses for STD, he got it to me within 24 hours.

By The Way, invitations can be addressed Smith Family but you still need to know the head count for what the Smith Family encompasses.


Post # 10
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@Meant2Bee:  Ugh…I’m so with you on not inviting the “probably won’t come” group! Fiance and I were going over our potential guest list with Future In-Laws on Sunday (trying to get a ballpark to determine venue size and budget), and unlike my mom who nicely went over about 20 people I could cut (THANK YOU!!), his parents added people. “Well, there’s  like a 1% change they’ll come.” His teenage brother goes “well, it’s better to invite people than not.” Fiance and I were both like NO! FALSE!

So we nicely took the longer list, but when it comes down to sending actual invites, we will be cutting people. I am NOT sending courtesy invites. Because what if they DO come? If his parents make a stink about it, we will tell them that if these people do RVSP yes, it will be their responsibility to pay. Otherwise, no invite. And I don’t want to send more invites just because people RSVP no. We already have over 200 on our list (the curse of big families). I would rather save the money.

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