Post # 1
Hi all. My relationship with my SO is amazing. In my eyes we have the best relationship. We’re best friends and lovers. I’ve shared things with him I’d never share with anyone else, he makes me laugh, smile, and has made be an all around better person. Lately we’ve been discussing marriage seriously and I had thought he may propose at Christmas. (I don’t think so anymore, he’s giving me way too many mixed messages, so I’ve put that out of my mind.)
Anyway, my life will be changing A LOT in 2017. I’m going back to school in the summer to finish my degree (my work pays for it, so I decided it was too good an opprotunity), I’m super busy at work (which includes studying for work tests at home) , I’m really involved in my church (I am the pianist and sing in the choir and do a lot with the youth), taking on teaching 3 karate classes a week as well as attending two that I am a student in, and getting my own place this year and paying off my car early. I’m beginning to wonder if me and my SO are going to work out with all this. It seems that when we discuss plans for the upcoming year, we both get stressed and you can just feel the tension between us. I’ve been wanting him to propose for a few months now, but he said tonight he’ll probably waiting for a while longer while I get settled in with basically a whole new lifestyle and that he wants to do the right thing for both of us. Him not proposing doesn’t stress me out, but the thought has crossed my mind…. that maybe we won’t work out because of all this. We’ve been together right at a year, and we’re both adults.
Am I just stressing out???? Or does me thinking “hey this might not work out” spell bad news?? I really do want us to work through this, and I’m willing to do so. He is as well, I’m just feeling sooooooo stressed and over whelmed. Any advice would be appreciated 🙂
Post # 2
You will have a lot on your plate next year, especially with school. I’d suggest making three of the things you list your priorities and stick with them.
Post # 3
That’s a good idea!! I guess that would be school and work related lol and my SO of course 😊
Post # 4
- Wedding: March 2017 - Nepal
My Fiance and I both have crazy schedules and we make it work. I work Monday through Friday and also travel 2-3 times a month for my job. He works full-time nights and weekends and is also in school full-time. What keeps us sane is that we both know our conflicting schedules is only temporary. He will finish school and likely find a job that has similar hours to mine. For now we just focus on quality time over quantity.
Post # 5
You do have to make time for a relationship, especially the start of a relationship (within first two years) something as “simple” as incompatible schedules can easily break apart a couple. I guess that would be because you are still exploring whether you are truly in it for the long haul and not prioritising time together would be seen as a lack of committment.
Post # 6
– church commitments
– living on your own (for the first time?)
Ya, I get why he wants to wait a bit and see how your schedule works out. That is a lot of things going on and there’s only so much time in the day. I recommend doing a time budget. Chart out a typical week and allocate time for each of these items based on what you assume they will require. After including sleeping, eating, commuting, etc. is there time for a SO? Does the free time line up with his free time (ie not conflicting work schedules)? If things are really tight, how long would this go on for? If there’s not time for him (or not “enough” time or it’s too restricted for too long), you’ll have to make some decisions. What things are more important? What would you rather cut?
Once you’ve figured all this out, I would show it to him and have a serious discussion about how he wants to fit into your schedule. Maybe you only have 5hrs/week for him for 3 months but he needs more. Maybe showing him this will prove that you are committed to him. Whatever it is, it should help open communication about how next year is going to go and what it means for your relationship.
ETA: Healthy relationships require you to spend time with each other, but exactly how much that is is very individual. So make sure you are on the same page otherwise one person might end up feeling resentful
Post # 7
If you want to be with your Boyfriend or Best Friend, you do have to make it clear that you see him as a priority. You certainly don’t have to give up what you love or keep yourself ‘small’ in order to do that, but your busy schedule will require you to make a clear effort to make sure he feels like he’s an important part of your life, and vice versa.
I live with my SO, and he works 6-6.5 days a week. Many times we only have an afternoon to spend together for quality time, and I love the quality over quantity. He travels a lot, and has a very high pressure job, so sometimes our afternoon is me helping him with management challenges or going over our finances, but it makes me feel like we’re a team and it’s really nice. He tells me all the time how much he loves me and needs me and is so grateful that I’m here and supporting him in so many ways.
So, it doesn’t have to be tons of time or fancy dates, but you do have to make it clear that you want your Boyfriend or Best Friend to be a huge part of your life.
Post # 8
Well you sound like you might be over extending yourself. Make sure you dont spread yourself too thin- its really bad for your health. Maybe you need to cut down on church activities or karate stuff for your headspace- something has to give and if you dont want it to be your relationship cut something else.
Honestly…. my husband works 60+ hours a week, sometimes goes in on Saturdays, is in a demanding masters program at night, and goes to the gym everyday somehow… astonishingly… but we still get to hang out a few hours at night, half of Saturday and all of Sunday. Granted those few night hours are because we live together… but you would still have weekends. so if you two want to be together youll work it out. Tell him you love him and you are committed to being there for him! Being close can also be a matter of communication- texts through out the day, calls at night etc even if you can have a proper hang.
Post # 9
Have you already blocked out your schedules to see exactly what hours you’ll have free? It sounds exhausting. Don’t hold yourself back from doing what you love, but also make sure you literally have enough hours in your day to avoid burnout.
I think this is a great opportunity for you and your SO to learn more about each other! Yes, you should make sure he doesn’t disappear from your list of priorities. Keep growing as a couple. But also let him know that this is temporary. Presumably you won’t be in school forever, and if you guys are going to be life partners, a few very busy years kind of comes with the territory. It’s on you to make an effort, and on him to be understanding as you pursue your goals.
Post # 10
The first time I took a stab at a Masters, I tried going like that. I was also a newly wed. I never had anxiety before, but I crashed and burned hard, started having panic attacks around finals time. Unless you are really super woman like that, you need to cut something. I think the only reason my relationship lasted was because we had been married less than a year when this was all going on and my Darling Husband is one of the most understanding guys ever.
Post # 11
I had quite a bit of commitments when I met my Darling Husband (and still do), but he was a priority so we made it work. He is also understanding of the fact that I care a lot about the things I am involved with, and we are on the same page about dialing this back once we start a family. That being said though, I do know that sometimes he gets frustrated that I have meetings or have to miss dinner together or am tired/stress from work or something else. That’s normal. The fact is that LIFE is busy and full of commitments. Marriage will only change maybe the fact that you live together if you hadn’t already, but it’s not this transformative thing that changes everything else–you’re in control of that. If this is the lifestyle that you want and he is also something important to you (and that’s mutual), then it shouldn’t be a big deal. If you feel that all of those commitments are what you want to focus on rather than a relationship right now, then that’s a choice you have to make.
Post # 12
This does seem like quite a bit. I wouldn’t necessarily cut out something completely, but rather, cut the things that are negotiable back significantly. For example, what if you participate in 1 karate class and teach 1 karate class? What if you keep playing piano for your church but cut the rest of it out temporarily?
Post # 13
That sounds really do-able actually!!!
It looks like with everything scheduled out, I’ll have a little over four hours to dedicate to my SO weekly, which he said is do-able temporarily. When I get my degree finished and we decide to start a family, I can cut way back then.
Post # 14
Be prepared to have to cut down more than what I suggested. It is hard to know just how demanding school can be, and it may be too overwhelming to do it all, even by cutting back significantly.