Post # 1
Okay, Let me give you the low down on this situation. I am a bridesmaid for my "best" friends wedding. She has been engaged for a while and as the wedding draws closer and closer it seems that there is less and less things completed. This being true however she (the bride) has repeatedly refused my offer for help. The bride really doesn’t clue the bridesmaid’s in on anything, like for example NONE of the bridesmaids know where the wedding is or what time, just the date. We don’t know when (time) the rehearsal dinner is and I am coming in from out of state in the middle of the week when I’m a student for this wedding. To top it all off I turn 21 3 days before this wedding and no one really cares.
Here’s the issue, other than my frustration with the lack of communication in this wedding, the maid of honor is being a BRAT!! She is a close personal friend of mine but really doesn’t care what other people say once she gets an idea in her head about something. The bride has said she doesn’t care what shoes we wear as she is getting married on valentines day of 2009 and no one will see our feet. I don’t want to buy the shoes the Maid/Matron of Honor wants us to buy for many reasons but one is that i don’t see it necessary to spend $50 on a pair of ugly silver shoes which i will never wear again when i am already spending $200 to come to this wedding and $150 on the dress and $ on the limo and other stupid things. When I tell the Maid/Matron of Honor this she basically says well who cares about YOUR finances just buy the shoes. When I suggested that we all wear a pair of black heels that we all already own she looked at me like i was asking for a Kidney.
My questions are these: Am I being a bad maid by not wanting to buy the shoes? Am i being a bad maid about not wanting to spend tons of $ on this wedding? How do I tell the Maid/Matron of Honor that I’m not going to buy the shoes without it causing a huge problem or more stress for the bride or more problems with everyone else? IK, IK weddings are expensive but I am spending a lot of MY OWN $ to do things that the other maids don’t have to do, like come in from out of state for this wedding. IDK I am just a little frustrated about all of this and with the bad economy and me still being in college and not working i feel that this is just a little more financially stressful than necessary.
Post # 3
It’s not the MOH’s wedding – don’t tell her anything about the shoes. Like the bride said, no one is going to see your shoes. If you really feel like you should say something, maybe have a heart-to-heart with the bride about your feelings. Ulitmately, it’s the bride you want to make happy, right? If you’re in the MOH’s wedding one day, then you can buy the ugly silver shoes she wants.
Post # 4
First off, you aren’t being a bad maid! 🙂 It sounds like the main issues you are having are with the Maid/Matron of Honor, not the bride. Realistically, it’s the Bride’s opinion, and your finances that should dictate what you do for the wedding. Have you talked with the bride about the wedding to get more details? If she prefers silver shoes, is it possible you can buy your own style? Most brides realize that being a part of the wedding party means you will be spending money and try to minimize the costs where possible. I would speak to her directly about your concerns and not worry about the Maid/Matron of Honor. In this case, she doesn’t really count?
I’m sorry if that doesn’t make sense. 🙂 I’ve been overwhelmed and know I’ve let things slide as a bride in keeping my party informed. I would want someone in my wedding party to sit down with me and talk out how they feel. Your friend asked you to stand up with her for a reason. I’m sure if you speak to her directly then you’ll be able to work everything out.
Post # 5
I agree totally with the others. The Bride has stated that she doesn’t care what shoes you wear.. so really, that is the only opinion you need in this situation. You do not have to obide by what the Maid/Matron of Honor wants, it’s not her wedding. She doesn’t even have to know what shoes you are wearing, you do not need to tell her. You don’t need to all match, espeically if no one is going to see your shoes. Why is the Maid/Matron of Honor picking out shoes anyway?
Post # 6
Okay. First of all, CALL the bride. She must know when the wedding is, assuming she has booked the venue. If she really is clueless, or impossible to pin down, call her mother.
As far as the Rehearsal Dinner, I guess you can assume it will be the evening before the wedding. Again, whoever is hosting it should know. Traditionally, that would be the groom’s family. If nobody can tell you, then I would just assume that it’s the evening before. But you, as a bridesmaid, really need to know what time the rehearsal is (if there is one). Again, I would let the bride know that you have to book your plane tickets, so if she can’t let you know by such-and-such a date, you’ll just assume that arriving by such-and-such a time the day before the wedding will be sufficient. Most rehearsals are in the late afternoon, so if you’re there by early afternoon you should be good.
It’s hard for me to tell how negligent the bride is being, since you don’t say what date the wedding will be. Certainly if it’s within the next three months you should be able to get answers, because everything should not only be scheduled, but invitations should be in for printing.
On the subject of the shoes, you absolutely don’t have to listen to the Maid/Matron of Honor. It’s not her wedding. Whatever the bride told you goes. Just wear or buy whatever shoes you like – either some other silver shoe, or something you think will look nice. If the Maid/Matron of Honor says anything, play dumb and say "But the bride said…" Bottom line, whatever shoes you show up in are the shoes you’ll wear, right? Nothing the Maid/Matron of Honor can do about it. Until then, I would answer all shoe-related communications from the Maid/Matron of Honor with questions about date and time – maybe you can get her to use her shoe-related energy on something actually useful for you.
Post # 7
Thank you so much for the help!! As for the bride’s "flakeyness" the wedding is on valentines day, Feb 14th 2009, like in 7 weeks. I agree that i need to call the bride (she is incredibly hard to get a hold of which is a head ache in itself). As of now my thinking for this whole shoe dilema is to call the company we HAVE to order the shoes from (according to the monster of honor) and see if it is even possible to get the shoes now bc i need them like yesterday bc i need them to get the dress altered. I really appreciate your advice and will keep you posted.