(Closed) Being a "Breadwinner" Bride

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

have you sat down and had a conversation with him?

I am in a similar situation with my Fiance – one day he will be rich, but hes not now!  The way we corrected it was moving in together and putting all of our money into a single bank account.  When were out – I let him pay for everything – makes him feel good and like hes contributing.  One day its all going to go in the same pot – why not just start now!

 

Post # 4
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

My situation is pretty much the reverse of yours.

And we are much older.  I am over 50, Fiance is over 60.

Fiance is self-employed… I am under-employed (semi-retired).  The situation right now is he is paying almost entirely for everything.  I have some money in savings, that I draw on as needed (at my age my expenses are pretty low).

Knowing he is paying out all the BIG Stuff does make me feel awkward at times, BUT it is (a) what he wants to do for US and (b) currently the best solution to our current situation

This works for us now while he is still employed, and is the sole-breadwinner.

I too come from a comfortable family background… and sometime down the road… probably within the next 10 years or so, I’ll start seeing some of my inheritance.  It will come at a time when we are both retired, and will be invested to become the bulk of our income for our old age.

The way I look at it… he is taking care of us now, and I will take care of us in the future.

Honestly, as I’ve grown older, I’ve come to realize that money is a stresser in many marriages (they say accountable for a large percentage of divorces)… BUT I’ve also seen that it tends to be a far greater issue the younger the couple.  “Combining” finances seems to be an real-life indication of combining lives, households, and particularly so one’s independence.  It seems to be a far greater issue for younger couples than it is for older ones. 

Which is why, I seriously believe in a theory I read, that said, you shouldn’t divide things up 50-50 or by percentages (ie he earns 2x as much as me, so he’ll pay 2/3 of everything while I pay 1/3), but put it all together, pay out the “necessities” of life… and then give each other equal shares towards savings… be that for retirement, vacations, whatever.  And then anything left over is your discretionary fund… and divided again as “free money” / “spending money”.  In that way the important stuff is taken care of and given the appropriate priority (Bills, Savings) and there is some money for each of you to do with as you wish.

Also means that as a couple you make decisions together about your future be that retirement, buying a house, or a large fun purchase like a special vacation … and neither one has any more say than the other… or any more funds than the other (if God forbid you should ever break up… that evens the playing field for the low man on the totem pole)

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 5
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My Fiance has a low paying job now, and he’ll probably always have one. He hasn’t figured out what he’s interested in, career-wise (and we’re in our mid-to-late-20s, so I don’t expect that he’ll figure it out). I have a career that will hopefully be able to support both of us and our future children. My Fiance isn’t bothered at all by this, on the contrary, we’ve had discussions about how glad we are that we each bring different strengths to our relationship (I’m better at making money, he’s better at keeping up the house and he’s more patient, so he’ll be staying at home with our future kids). Maybe discuss it as a matter of current strengths and future strengths — and perhaps direct him to some feminist articles so he can realize that a woman who has money should not emasculate him 😛

Post # 6
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m in your situation… my husband finally got his masters this spring and will hopefully be making double what he makes now soon,  but last year I honestly made 4 to 5 times as much as him.  He lives well within his means and if he didn’t marry me wouldn’t be living in the house we live in or going on the trips we go on.  I don’t think he feels bad about the money he contributes per se b/c he doesn’t spend outside what he brings in,  but on the other hand he is looking to add more.  I’m very excited for him to get a new job so I can cut back on the OT (as in why I’m working today!).  You just have to find your balance and roll with it.

Post # 7
Member
5001 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

My family pays for all of our vacations and is paying for our entire wedding, and while I don’t make more money than my Fiance yet, I will once I get my PhD next year. It has never ever been an issue for either of us. As long as you are both confident with yourselves, confident in your relationship and honest with each other, I don’t think it should be a problem. 

Post # 9
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@RapunzelRapunzel:

I am basically the exact same as you!

We will be graduating in the same year and then he is hoping to get into medical school. This means, for the time we wait for him to get in (up to 2 years?!) and school itself, I will be making the money.

It is fine to me, because I will have a great paying job when I get out. But he feels so bad when he can’t pay for things!

Post # 10
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

I am in a similar situation. I don’t make much more than my bf, but my debts are far less. He has medical bills, student loans, divorce fees that he has been working to pay off, while I have none of these. 

He lives in a house that I own, and I pay all of our living expenses. He pays for our food and any activities like movies and hotels etc. 

Recently, his car died. Neither of us use a car to travel to work, so we are generally okay w just one car to share. We decided to wait to eplace his car so he can pay off his debts and save for a ring. I am okay w it, but pple are starting to say things to him about living in my house and driving my car… They do not know our reasoning, and it is a bit embarrassing for us both! 

Post # 11
Member
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m in a similar situation. Fiance left his awful job last year and has had a hard time finding something new, and decided to go back to school this fall. He actually has quite a bit in savings, while I don’t have much (I used the bulk of what I did have as a down payment on a new car, and the rest is going towards the wedding). I graduated last summer and have been working lower paying jobs while trying to find something in line with my career goals (or at least something that I don’t hate that pays well), so I pay the majority of the bills. He does help out from time to time, although I know that it really kills him that he isn’t working and can’t support me or help out more. It doesn’t bother me at all; I know that he would be more than happy to take care of all of our bills if the situation was reversed.

The way that I see it is that we’re getting married, so money that either of us bring home is our money. If I was paying for him to go out every night or buy crap or anything frivolous, that would be a problem, but other than the occasional dinner out, it’s just rent and utilities.

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