Post # 1
We don’t have any children yet and are not planning to have them at the moment. We both want them, but sometimes I wonder if my husband would be a good dad and if we’re going to be on the same page.
We have the same core values, but sometimes I see him being very harsh with his nephew and always scolds him even when I think he didn’t do anything wrong. He loves his nephew, it’s not that.
To you mums out there: have the fathers of your children been different to other children compared to their own? If so, how? Was it necessary to talk through parenting style together or was it just clear for both of you?
Post # 2
It’s hard to tell if he is just stricter than you are or if this is a problem with how he treats children. What sort of things does he scold his nephew for that you don’t agree with?
Have you ever had discussions with your husband about your upbringings, what you think your parenting style would be like etc?
Post # 3
bellabelle12 : even if you think you’re on the same page you should talk about parenting styles just to be sure. My husband and I agreed on the core things like no spanking, letting kids fail and figure things out themselves, etc. Our parenting style is best described as a blend between montessori and attachment lol. For areas we disagree we’ve kind of operated on who feels stronger about their opinion and who has better researched it. For example I do not believe sleep training is right for my family and I feel extremely strongly about it. My husband was more willing to try letting her cry it out but didn’t have strong feelings – he was just tired. I backed up my opinion with research and scholarly articles and my husband said “but our friends did it”. We didn’t sleep train.
Another big thing is that we are always a united front in front of the kid. Sometimes after she’s in bed we’ll say “I really don’t think that’s the best way to handle that type of situation” and we’ll come up with a game plan for next time. But if he’s scolding her for something I think is a little overkill I don’t say “oh sweetie it’s ok daddy is being too harsh”. I say “daddy’s right you shouldn’t have done that. Daddy seems really upset can you go talk to him about it?”.
Post # 4
I feel like you definitely need to be in agreement on a “macro level” about how to parent and what type of discipline you will use. Things like no spanking and shared core values about how you want to raise your child – you should be in agreement on that stuff before TTC. But once the kid is here you both need to have some flexibility (within reason) because there will definitely be trial and error along the way.
For example, to add a slightly different perspective on sleep training…it was (and still is to some extent) really hard for me to hear ANY crying from our baby without intervening immediately (mom hormones I guess). My husband was the one who advocated for sleep training. He read a book about a gentle method and convinced me that we should give it a go for the sake of my mental health (I was heading into a dark place from lack of sleep). So we did, and after one rough night (which I was not a part of…I had to quarantine myself in a separate part of the house while dh handled it), our baby has slept like a champ ever since for the most part. So I’m happy I yielded to him on that because everyone in the house is in a much better mental/emotional state since I did! He also wanted to move her out of our room into the nursery before I did….but we did a trial run one night and everyone slept so much better (including baby!) that I was sold on that too.
Anyway, can you share some examples of things your husband has done/said that make you doubt whether he’d be a good parent?
Post # 5
Thanks to all of you for replying!
zzar45 : We haven’t had a real discussion, it’s more about when we comment about children or when we see them behave in a certain way that we would say things like; I wouldn’t allow that or I would do this or that. And we agree on those things. And as LilliV : mentioned, I’m sure that there will definitely be things that one or the other doesn’t feel strong about.
tiffanybruiser : Thanks for your reply! Maybe saying that he wouldn’t be a good dad is too strong, more about if things line up.
For example: His nephew is 6 years old and since he was younger, my husband (and my husband’s mum as well) would kind of always be like “beware of breaking it” when the boy only was taking a closer look at things. I don’t know how to explain it, but it feels like it’s already clear that his nephew will eventually break everything. It’s like suggesting him that he can’t be trusted around things. I don’t know, I just think it’s really unnecessary, especially as the boy is not someone that would break things at all.
And then he would always call his sister, the boy’s mum, and be kind of “look at what your son just did”. Maybe this is a dynamic due to the boy not being his child, but if I’m with the boy and he does something I don’t like (I mean like normal behavior for a child, like not listening), I just tell him without involving anyone else.
Post # 6
bellabelle12 : Ok, I was expecting a lot worse from your initial post lol. I don’t necessarily see a huge problem with either of the examples you shared. That said, why not take the opportunity to talk to your husband about parenting styles?
Post # 7
bellabelle12 : I cant say whether your husband is overly harsh or perfectly normal but I can tell you men and women generally parent very differently based on our societal conditioning.
I tend to be more nurturing, patient, willing to listen to the kids POV.
Fiance tends to be more strict, take no shit kind of approach.
Having a teenage son, I have seen a HUGE improvement in my sons behavior since my fiance came into his life. Men communicate differently and that take no BS approach has given my son some additional accountability that he needed. Now granted Im a strict mom, but even my way of being strict is just different.
So, I think you are most likely overanalyzing this. Perhaps when the time comes get some books about what to expect as far as age appropriate development. But only you know if this is something more serious – is he generally short tempered and harsh?
Post # 8
bellabelle12 : pre-scolding is one of my pet peeves. I met this guy once at a BBQ who had the sweetest boys I’d ever met. Truly awesome kids. And he spent the entire day yelling at them “don’t break that, don’t annoy those people, don’t…..” when they were just sitting and playing a game with me and my husband and our little cousins. I felt so badly for them!
Post # 9
LilliV : on the flipside of this, my stepkid is notorious for just grabbing stuff without any consideration to the item (ie its expensive, or breakable, or clearly isn’t for children)– and when its at our home, we’ve kinda “kid proofed” stuff we don’t want the kids touching. When we’re at someone else’s home or out in public, there’s a lot of “don’t touch that / be careful / lets set that down now”
Probably sounds like pre-scolding, but we have a history and know what happens when they’re allowed to run rampant.
Post # 10
fromatoz : yea I get that and I’ll do a little bit of it with my toddler too, but these kids were like 6 and 8 and were outside not near anything breakable. Or even reaching for anything. We were literally sitting down playing a game (verbal game, not even any game pieces!) for half an hour and this guy came over every 5 minutes to yell at them for nothing. I later confirmed with the our family member who was hosting that he’s always like that and the kids have never been anything but perfect angels even if the dad isn’t around. I felt badly for all of them – the kids for having a jerk dad and the dad for not realizing how freaking awesome his children were.
Post # 11
tiffanybruiser : Yes, you’re actually right about talking to him.
It’s just that I feel like he’s not once really talking normally to him, it’s just always scolding him. So much so that my husband’s sister once told him that he should stop it, because the boy is getting insecure. But he still behaves like this if we don’t tell him.
Or something else that I don’t like is my husband kind of teasing him in a very childish way.
mel2 : Yes, I can totally see that. And I’m sure I’m overanalyzing things, I always tend to do that… Just wasn’t sure what to expect and if those kind of things need to be made clear and talked about before or if one automatically figures things out when having kids. Because I definitely want to be a team in front of the kids.
He normally isn’t short tempered nor harsh, but maybe especially in comparison to me he’s seeing things more black and white sometimes.
Post # 12
fromatoz : Yes, I think it can be adecuate sometimes. And there are kids that tend to break a lot of things, but for example with my husband’s nephew it’s nothing like that.
LilliV : exactly, I would get really upset if he’d do that.
Post # 13
bellabelle12 : idk I’d be a little concerned based on what you’re telling me. Most people feel even more comfortable scolding their own children so I can’t imagine he’d be better with your own kids. If the child’s mother is having to tell him to lay off then that gives me pause.
Post # 14
Yea I would have an issue with this. It’s going to make the kid think he can’t be trusted and he can’t do anything right (even when he hasn’t done anything wrong). That will cause many issues in his personality if it’s kept up consistently.
i think a conversation is necessary to voice your concern and find out why he does it. Must admit it’s very weird.
Post # 15
Do you know why he does this? You seem, maybe, a little judgemental regarding this. I would just ask him if he’s had a bad experience or two with his nephew (so that he’s now particularly diligent in policing his actions). Good kids often are “good kids” because their parents & families gave them consistent directions & boundaries when they were young.