Being a Dad

posted 2 months ago in Parenting
Post # 2
Member
5184 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

It’s hard to tell if he is just stricter than you are or if this is a problem with how he treats children. What sort of things does he scold his nephew for that you don’t agree with? 

Have you ever had discussions with your husband about your upbringings, what you think your parenting style would be like etc?

Post # 3
Member
7464 posts
Busy Beekeeper

bellabelle12 :  even if you think you’re on the same page you should talk about parenting styles just to be sure. My husband and I agreed on the core things like no spanking, letting kids fail and figure things out themselves, etc. Our parenting style is best described as a blend between montessori and attachment lol. For areas we disagree we’ve kind of operated on who feels stronger about their opinion and who has better researched it. For example I do not believe sleep training is right for my family and I feel extremely strongly about it. My husband was more willing to try letting her cry it out but didn’t have strong feelings – he was just tired. I backed up my opinion with research and scholarly articles and my husband said “but our friends did it”. We didn’t sleep train. 

Another big thing is that we are always a united front in front of the kid. Sometimes after she’s in bed we’ll say “I really don’t think that’s the best way to handle that type of situation” and we’ll come up with a game plan for next time. But if he’s scolding her for something I think is a little overkill I don’t say “oh sweetie it’s ok daddy is being too harsh”. I say “daddy’s right you shouldn’t have done that. Daddy seems really upset can you go talk to him about it?”. 

Post # 4
Member
7857 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I feel like you definitely need to be in agreement on a “macro level” about how to parent and what type of discipline you will use. Things like no spanking and shared core values about how you want to raise your child – you should be in agreement on that stuff before TTC. But once the kid is here you both need to have some flexibility (within reason) because there will definitely be trial and error along the way. 

For example, to add a slightly different perspective on sleep training…it was (and still is to some extent) really hard for me to hear ANY crying from our baby without intervening immediately (mom hormones I guess). My husband was the one who advocated for sleep training. He read a book about a gentle method and convinced me that we should give it a go for the sake of my mental health (I was heading into a dark place from lack of sleep). So we did, and after one rough night (which I was not a part of…I had to quarantine myself in a separate part of the house while dh handled it), our baby has slept like a champ ever since for the most part. So I’m happy I yielded to him on that because everyone in the house is in a much better mental/emotional state since I did! He also wanted to move her out of our room into the nursery before I did….but we did a trial run one night and everyone slept so much better (including baby!) that I was sold on that too. 

Anyway, can you share some examples of things your husband has done/said that make you doubt whether he’d be a good parent?

Post # 6
Member
7857 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

bellabelle12 :  Ok, I was expecting a lot worse from your initial post lol. I don’t necessarily see a huge problem with either of the examples you shared. That said, why not take the opportunity to talk to your husband about parenting styles? 

Post # 7
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

bellabelle12 :  I cant say whether your husband is overly harsh or perfectly normal but I can tell you men and women generally parent very differently based on our societal conditioning. 

I tend to be more nurturing, patient, willing to listen to the kids POV.

Fiance tends to be more strict, take no shit kind of approach.

Having a teenage son, I have seen a HUGE improvement in my sons behavior since my fiance came into his life. Men communicate differently and that take no BS approach has given my son some additional accountability that he needed. Now granted Im a strict mom, but even my way of being strict is just different.

So, I think you are most likely overanalyzing this. Perhaps when the time comes get some books about what to expect as far as age appropriate development. But only you know if this is something more serious – is he generally short tempered and harsh?

Post # 8
Member
7464 posts
Busy Beekeeper

bellabelle12 :  pre-scolding is one of my pet peeves. I met this guy once at a BBQ who had the sweetest boys I’d ever met. Truly awesome kids. And he spent the entire day yelling at them “don’t break that, don’t annoy those people, don’t…..” when they were just sitting and playing a game with me and my husband and our little cousins. I felt so badly for them! 

Post # 9
Member
2020 posts
Buzzing bee

LilliV :  on the flipside of this, my stepkid is notorious for just grabbing stuff without any consideration to the item (ie its expensive, or breakable, or clearly isn’t for children)– and when its at our home, we’ve kinda “kid proofed” stuff we don’t want the kids touching. When we’re at someone else’s home or out in public, there’s a lot of “don’t touch that / be careful / lets set that down now”

Probably sounds like pre-scolding, but we have a history and know what happens when they’re allowed to run rampant.

Post # 10
Member
7464 posts
Busy Beekeeper

fromatoz :  yea I get that and I’ll do a little bit of it with my toddler too, but these kids were like 6 and 8 and were outside not near anything breakable. Or even reaching for anything. We were literally sitting down playing a game (verbal game, not even any game pieces!) for half an hour and this guy came over every 5 minutes to yell at them for nothing. I later confirmed with the our family member who was hosting that he’s always like that and the kids have never been anything but perfect angels even if the dad isn’t around. I felt badly for all of them – the kids for having a jerk dad and the dad for not realizing how freaking awesome his children were. 

Post # 13
Member
7464 posts
Busy Beekeeper

bellabelle12 :  idk I’d be a little concerned based on what you’re telling me. Most people feel even more comfortable scolding their own children so I can’t imagine he’d be better with your own kids. If the child’s mother is having to tell him to lay off then that gives me pause. 

Post # 14
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee

Yea I would have an issue with this. It’s going to make the kid think he can’t be trusted and he can’t do anything right (even when he hasn’t done anything wrong). That will cause many issues in his personality if it’s kept up consistently.

i think a conversation is necessary to voice your concern and find out why he does it. Must admit it’s very weird.

Post # 15
Member
2413 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Do you know why he does this? You seem, maybe, a little judgemental regarding this.  I would just ask him if he’s had a bad experience or two with his nephew (so that he’s now particularly diligent in policing his actions). Good kids often are “good kids” because their parents & families gave them consistent directions & boundaries when they were young. 

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