Post # 1
Is anyone else out there suddenly realizing you had an image of what a wife is “supposed” to be ? And that you are not even coming close to it?
I’ve been married for four months and I do love being married, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that playing the role of “wife”, or rather, playing the role that’s been projected on me my whole life…is just not coming to me that easily.
Do I really have to have dinner on the table every night? Am I expected to be happy and smiling and doting on my husband 24/7? Where in the world did all these traditional ideas come from?!
Is it even realistic to think that the fantasy can be a reality? That that woman really does exist? How does she do it? And I don’t even have kids!
I feel like I can’t be the only one feeling this way. Right?
Post # 3
If my wife doesn’t have dinner on the table every night… just kidding, we don’t even eat dinner together.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2018 - Oakland Manor
While I understand what a traditional 1950’s housewife stereotype is.. I’m not in that situation. I have a job, not only that, until next week, I have a job I hate. So, considering I’m profoundly unhappy 45-55 hours a week… it’s pretty hard to be magically smiley.
I usually cook dinner, he usually does the dishes. I clean the bathroom, dust, and clean the kitchen – but he does vacuums, does most of the grocery shopping and does all the laundry. He wasn’t wild about the laundry deal, until I showed him how busy the washer/dryers are in the building when I’m home. He works from home so he can do them during the day when the majority of people are at work.
To me, marriage is a partnership with the partners equally doting on one another.
Post # 5
I know what you’re talking about. When we first got married I felt like a failure because the house was a mess (too busy with work and wedding, then he moved in), can’t cook much, etc. I talked to FH about how I felt like a failure and all the things my mom did that I can’t seem too. He pointed out that she didn’t work outside the home, and that if what he wanted was Martha Stewart, he wouldn’t have married someone who was awesome at her career. It took a while to get through my head, but it really helped.
Post # 6
@doublepuglove: Life is not a fairytale. I am nice to my SO but I don’t take care of him like his mom. I do have food for him to eat but it’s not from scratch or home cooked every night. My SO prefers sex any day over food. He can cook his own meals but he can’t give himself a BJ and we have a maid to keep the house clean.
Post # 7
My husband and I had many conversations before we got married about expectations in marriage (i.e. gender roles). When we initially approached a minister to marry us, he told us his views on marriage, and they did NOT match ours. We view marriage as a partnership, with each party bringing strengths (and weaknesses) to the relationship. In our marriage, we are equals. My husband is not the “head of the household who makes all the decisions.”
In our situation, I’m finishing up my doctorate degree and my starting salary will be about 3x’s what he makes. I’m planning on working full time. We discussed his views on his wife making more money, how that affects decision making etc. before we got married. Years ago I dated someone with very traditional views on marriage, and there was no way it would ever work – I wanted a partnership, he would have wanted a doting wife.
Post # 8
I’m all about female empowerment and partnership in a marriage…it’s bizarre that these were such unconscious thoughts until now. And believe me, he’s not expecting this traditional wife. We had a long talk about it last night and he was wonderful and so supportive while assuring me I’m being ridiculous. I’m just surprised at myself is all.
Post # 9
We have been living together for a long time so we know what to expect. Fiance cooks, I do most of the cleaning (only because his idea of clean and mine are vastly different). That woman propbably does exist outside of the movies but it is totally okay if that woman isn’t you. I am sure your husband married you because he loves you and everything you are good and not so good at, You don’t have to be perfect at all things!
Post # 10
ive been married for a while now and it depends on what you want/are prepared to do and what is expected. for us, i do have dinner on the table every single night by 6.30, i tell hubby when its is served and ready to be eaten and he doesnt clean up, cook or help. same with laundry and cleaning the house but thats us, this doesnt work for a lot of other couples
i think whats important is that you dont feel its an obligation or that you start to resent it – and same goes for him
Post # 11
I think a wife should be someone who loves and supports her husband, just as he should be someone who loves and supports her. Other than that, you “should” be whatever works for you!
Post # 12
To me marriage is not that much different from how our life together was when we were dating and engaged, its just that the commitment is set in stone. We have lived together for over 3.5 years so we have come to realize how to live together but are still working on things every day. There is no way I would be able to have dinner on the table every night! First of all, I hardly cook. Darling Husband cooks most of our meals and I do the dishes/clean the kitchen. Darling Husband also does most of the laundry, but I will fold it and put it away and he takes out the trash/recylcing, usually cleans the cat litter and cleans his TV room. There is no perfect picture of a wife. You just need to figure out the dynamic between you and your husband.
I am also in agreement that marriage is an equal partnership in which responsibilities are shared and expectations are clearly communicated!
Post # 13
I feel like a “good wife” every time I actually make dinner! It’s become more frequent, but rarely more than once a week. We operate very equally, we trade off dinner based on who is busier, but we often only eat 2 dinners together during the week because of our schedules. DH doesn’t even like for me to do his laundry! He’s totally self-sufficient and I try my best to contribute when I can (I get off work much earlier so I feel that I should make dinner if I don’t have anything else to do).
Everything’s gonna change when kids are involved!!
Post # 14
I never thought I would be domestic AT ALL. But Darling Husband works really hard right now (full time and in school full time for graphic design), so I enjoy having dinner- get this- actually hot and on the table at the same time. That is big for me since I never cooked a single thing until recently. If I had to do it all the time, I think it would be depressing because you can work REALLY hard around your home and you don’t actually get paid for it. I think that is one of the many reasons those 1950s housewives were known for popping valium, drinking, and smoking. We share our responsibilities, me and Darling Husband.
Post # 15
I remember struggling with that a lot when we first got married, especially because we were involved in a church at the time that had pretty traditional expectations of women (thankfully we left there :-P), but also just because I had these expectations of myself. Now, over a year later, I’m not so stuck on making sure everything is clean and always having dinner done at a certain time. I do like things organized, so I tend to do most of the cleaning and such, but my husband cooks quite a bit these days.
Post # 16
I’m not married yet, but my Fiance works really long and crazy hours (especially lately since he bought the bar) and I work part time, so because of that I do the majority of housework…
Growing up I always saw my mom who was a Stay-At-Home Mom for most of my childhood then went back to work part time in elementary school and then full time for middle and high school… She always kept the house clean and always cooked dinner and I LOVED it, I have always wanted to be that wife/mom who “had it together”, BUT I am probably the messiest 25 year old who LOATHES cleaning and couldn’t make anything besides pasta.
My Fiance grew up in a similar household with a Stay-At-Home Mom who cooked, cleaned the whole nine yards…
Needless to say we have the same expectations for marrital roles, so I’m learning to be that way now, and honestly I LOVE it. Take small steps, start with one thing and master it, then add the next step.
When my Fiance and I started dating we had a lady come clean once a week… But then I decided to take over and get the house the way I wanted it. Now I’ve started cooking meals… It made the transition slowly and I really love it. If it’s what you want, then Good luck!