(Closed) Being an emotional person during an emotional time… blah.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3368 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

You sound like you’re handling some really annoying things quite well!  I have anxiety too and there are some things that just trigger me, but what I hear from you sounds more of the cool, calm, collected variety! 

Post # 4
Member
9648 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Hiya_Unicorn:   The issue isn’t your anxiety, the issue is your FI’s behavior. 

He is soon to be a married man.  Time to cut the apron strings.  You will be his wife and you should always know his plans well in advance of anyone else, including his family of origin.  You are his family now.  Put your foot down and nip this behavior in the bud.

First of all he made a committment to you to attend your work function.  Then he reneged without telling you and made plans to go hiking with his dad and sister.  Um, no, not acceptable!  But by your being so agreeable and cancelling your own plans and volunteering to go hiking with them, you just rewarded his bad behavior.  You should have required that he cancel the hiking plans and attend the event he promised you he would attend. 

You teach people how to treat you.  He is being very, very disrespectful to you, your relationship and your future marriage.  He didn’t tell you he had changed his mind about moving out?!?  Are you kidding me?  He put you in a huge bind!  I would be beyond pissed!

You need to move from anxiety to anger.  Because your anger in light of his treatment of you would be an appropriate response.  What you’re doing is turning your anger inward and it’s eating you up – and manifesting in the result of anxiety.

Don’t keep doing this to yourself.  I mean this with all love and kindess – you seriously need to work on developing healthy self-esteem. 

Post # 7
Member
3368 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@Sunfire:  So glad you added that perspective!  As someone with an anxiety disorder, I tend to overreact to small things.  Maybe we can try to so hard to be chill that we tip the balance in the other direction and take too much responsibility for the outcome.

 

Post # 8
Member
9648 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Hiya_Unicorn:  If he “hinted he wanted to give up” he is manipulating you. 

I’m not saying he is a bad guy, I’m sure he is not.  He is just spoiled by you letting him always have his own way.  That needs to stop.

Also, it’s not about the fact that he should “consult” you – you are not to take the place of his parents.  It is the fact that the two of you need to be on the same, equal page.  You need to talk about everything – marriage is a partnership

Don’t try to control him, ever.  But make it clear to him that your needs, schedules, plans, etc. matter JUST AS MUCH as his needs, schedules, plans, etc. do.  Both of you matter – if you are too passive and over-giving, guess what happens?  People walk all over you.

On the other hand being overly sensitive isn’t good either and I understand you are seeking balance.  That’s a very good sign!!  🙂

Just get him on the same page as you and work together rather than against each other.  Tell him how important it is to you to have an equal balance of power in your relationship.

Post # 9
Member
9648 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@jjmomma:   I understand!  Been there. 

Being a “people-pleaser” comes naturally to sensitive, loving, kind-hearted people (usually women).  Being overly concerned about being pleasing to others, not wanting to be perceived as “selfish” and wanting to keep the peace are common traits of those who suffer from anxiety.  And our loved ones (usually men) take advantage of it.

This isn’t a right/wrong situation – it’s a relationship issue that points out the need for clear communication skills.  Mutual respect is a key element in building communication skills. 

For me it started with learning to value my own opinion about everything in life just as much as I value anyone else’s.   I learned to trust myself and my own judgment (but it wasn’t easy, lol).  🙂

Post # 10
Member
3368 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@Sunfire:  Amen to that!  Realizing that I devalued my own opinion was a huge accomplishment.  Deciding to trust myself took courage!

Post # 12
Member
9648 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Hiya_Unicorn:    Yep, we all do!  Humans are works in progress, lol.  🙂

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