Post # 1
I live with my Fiance, and have for about 9 months. I try to keep things clean and tidy (cleaning bathroom regularly/scrubbing shower/dusting), while my Fiance thinks a “mess” is only if there is trash and dirty stuff on the floor.
We have worked on balancing things, but two weeks ago I was dusting everything and asked him if he would please vacuum. Not only did it not happen that day, or the next, but for an entire two weeks. I would ask intermittently like – vacuuming today? Nope.
We both have the day off from work today, and I was doing dishes and again commented on how he needs to vacuum today, and how I was disappointed that he blew it off.
He vacuums. Angrily. Doesn’t talk to me. Walks away after finished. An hour or so later I ask him if he is feeling okay. He mumbles and doesn’t look at me. FIVE hours later I ask what’s the matter. He said (after me waiting and asking a couple of times) he is mad about cleaning and doesn’t want to talk.
I really don’t understand this. I totally HATE the fact that when he gets mad or annoyed about anything he will ignore me for HOURS on end. And I also don’t feel like this is something so horrible to be that angry at me about!
Do any of you have SO’s that get mad and ignore you? It is the worst. It makes me really afraid for our relationship that he won’t discuss things with me until waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay later. He just sits at his computer and plays games and I feel really pissed.
Any ideas or similar situations would be helpful. Thanks 🙂
Post # 3
Holy immaturity batman! I think a serious talk is needed about cleanliness being a group effort. Exactly how often are you wanting the place vacuumed. Please tell him I said that you aren’t his maid!
Post # 4
Wow, that’s pretty bad. It’s not like you’re asking him to paint the whole house. The thing is, one day, you WILL need him to do something pretty big and the tantrum might be even worse.
Does he help out around the house at all?
Post # 5
My Fiance does this as well, but his mother does it 10 times worse, so I can’t blame him. I think I do a pretty good job communicating with him through his little temper that it is okay in the end. Don’t have any advice, just know that you aren’t alone. Guys can be pretty moody at times.
Post # 5
Umm… not okay.
First, I’m sure he feels like you are nagging him. Which can be avoided. If you ask him to do something, and he says, “No, I can’t right now” or something, then maybe ask when he thinks he’ll be able to get it done. If it’s still not done at that point, maybe ask one more time, but really after that the conversation should turn from bugging him about it to actually productively talking about the issue. You need to communicate with him. Tell him that it feels unfair to have to be the only one doing housework. Have a conversation about it. And after he hears that it really bothers you when he doesn’t pitch in, he ought to care enough about that (/about you) to do something about it. If he doesn’t, that’s a problem.
The “silent treatment” is what twelve year olds do. Not grown men. Again, you need to confront him. Tell him it hurts you to be ignored, and that if he’s so angry about something, you want to know exactly what’s wrong so you can work on it together.
You need to communicate. If neither of you can do that or aren’t willing to work on it, then yes, you should be “really afraid” for the success of your relationship. You should probably talk to a counselor.
Post # 6
Mango – I feel that I have strong communication skills, but he does not when mad. We have had many discussions about how when he is angry, he cannot communicate until he has cooled down. Nevertheless, I find it impossibly stupid and it upsets me. He knows it hurts me to be ignored. It’s okay in the end as well, but I cannot stand how we must wait for hours over something so trivial. It is very much twelve year old behavior.
Longcoat – He will do his dishes and laundry, occasionally cleans the kitchen counters. We split up litterbox cleaning evenly. He takes out the trash.
It also infuriates me because I have a full time job (teaching) and he does not. He is a part time graduate student and substitute teacher. He feels horribly I will be supporting us financially when we get married, but then stuff like this happens? I wish he would carry his weight atleast in areas that he can.
Post # 7
I have been known to give the silent treatment while angry, and my reasoning is similar to your FI’s–when I’m mad/hurt/angry, sometimes I just need some time and space to cool down before I”m ready to discuss it. Now, ideally I and your Fiance should be able to voice that feeling you our SOs, so that we’re not just acting like immature children. But that doesn’t always happen, unfortunately! When he does that, I would try and leave the ball in his court, and say, “Okay well when you’re ready to talk, you know where to find me.” Try not to say it in an angry, snippy voice-really just try and give him his space if he needs it. It’s better than nudging him to talk if he’s not ready to, which will just lead to a blow up.
Now, the specific issue of him giving you the silent treatment/getting mad because you want him to help clean? Not okay!!! It’s not fair for him to get angry because you’re asking him to help out. I think you guys need to discuss (when neither of you are mad) how you see yourselves splitting the household responsibilities.
Post # 8
I think there needs to be two things discussed here:
1) What househould duties are and who is in charge of what. MAKES SOME RULES because if it’s left to “whoever see it’s dirty cleans it” then one person will just wait for the other to do it. Some men don’t feel the same about household chores as other men. It might have to do with his upbringing – did he mother do all cooking/cleaning?
2) Tell him the silent treatment is not a productive way to get his feelings across and if he needs time to be alone he should be able to express that in a mature way.
Post # 9
Wow that’s a bit ridiculous, I’m sorry you are having to go through that I mean he is acting like you’re his mother.
I told my FH when we first me that I was extremely clean, almost to the point of compulsive he actually liked that about me because his gf before me was a complete slob.
Before we moved in I laid down the law and told him that I would only move in with him if he promised to carry his weight with the housework. Meaning I’m not going to be someone’s maid and I expect you to keep what I have cleaned up clean.
We have our own chores that we are responsible for he does his and I do mine and it seems to work out well.
Good luck. I would have a serious talk with him. I mean the condition of the house depends on both parties and it shouldn’t all fall on your shoulders only.
Post # 10
Helping with the cleaning aside…
Some people just need time when they are upset before they can discuss it. There’s nothing wrong with that really, as long as you both understand what is happening. If that’s how he is, it doesn’t mean he’s immature. If he’s told you that he can’t communicate when he’s angry, well, it’s a good step in my opinion that he has this awareness and takes a step back.
Post # 11
My DH is one of those that needs time to cool down before he is ready to talk and work it out. I am an immediate talker or I will marinate and holy smokes a small issue will become ginormous! It took awhile but I now just give him space and he will come look for me when he is ready. With cleaning guys need it spelled out down to the numbers like laundry is not just shoving clothes into the washer and dryer but includes folding and putting it away appropriately.
Post # 12
That sounds like emotional blackmail to me. He is withholding affection simply because you asked him to do something that is entirely reasonable. I don’t know how to approach it with him, but this is something that you guys need to work out… otherwise, you might start to resent him.
Post # 13
I agree with adage.
When having the discussion regarding chores, I strongly suggest that instead of splitting chores, each of you take on what you’re better at or enjoy doing. Example: I do all the cooking and all the shopping but I HATE doing dishes. My husband always does the dishes and does all the laundry. If he were to have to do any shopping and help me cook, he would do it wrong. Actually, he’d put both of them off because he hates shopping and cooking and we’d probably starve to death. lol!
My ex husband would ignore me for 3-4 days at a time. He did it to hurt me. It worked. For 15 years I kept hoping and praying he would mature. He never did. My new husband and I get really mad at one another every now and then. When we need space one of us actually says to the other “I need some time. Can we talk about this in the morning, later tonight, whenever.”
Post # 14
Well, darling, you need to go on strike !!! Stop doing everything and when it comes down to the argument, simply, calmly tell him, when you your start pulling your weight, work full time, etc ., than I will contribute my 50% !
I did this with my ex when the toilet was leaking for 3 weeks. I stopped washing his clothes. One day he finally got super angry, had a hussy fit and I said, oh, sorry, but when the toilet gets repaired, the wash will get done. It will take you 30 seconds to fix, but your laundry will be done for a lifetime, what’s your choice here ? He threw the laundry basket down on the floor, fixed the toilet and proceeded to go do all his laundry himself !!! And continued to do it till the day we split 🙂 Talk about a win win situation 🙂 lol
Post # 15
Life’s too short for the silent treatment!