Post # 1
Hello all I wanted to get everyones opinion on what you all think about buying a house before any kind of commitment is made? I think buying a house is a HUGE commitment and if you are ready to do that you should be ready to propose. I also think proposal and possibly even marriage should come before a house. My SO has the ring and well over a month ago told me about it and said an engagement would be “soon”, BUT I also told him I needed to at least be engaged before we buy a house together. So last week we submitted paper work to get pre-qualified for a home loan…and yesterday we went around and looked at open houses. Before we left he could tell something was making me uncomfortable so I asked him if he remembered that I told him we needed to at least be engaged before we bought a house and I need to make sure he is being respectful to what I want as well. he said he remembered. I am starting to feel like I should have suggested we be engaged before we even got pre-qualified for the loan! Now we have already looked at houses, so Im wondering when do I pump the breaks? Do I let this little “game” go on for a while and just hope he proposes soon? I dont want to let it get to the point where we are ready to make an offer on the house and have to totally stop the proccess and be like “not till I get that ring!”
Post # 3
I live with my SO in a condo which I own, I wouldn’t buy a house together until we’re engaged. I think it’s ok to casually look at houses together before getting engaged, but I personally wouldn’t go so far as to get preapproved or make an offer before I had that ring!
Post # 4
my Fiance and I were not engaged when we bought our house, and I too was feeling incredibly anxious about that. At least you have the assurance that he has the ring. Maybe he’s planning to propose on the day you move in? All my Fiance (bf at the time) kept saying was that “a house is still a committment” but I figured once we got our tax credit back, then things would fall into place (and they did). He proposed 2 months after we moved in.
I guess I”m wondering why it’s so important to be engaged before you buy the house? Is it a religious/tradition thing? If not, you know he has the ring and you’re committed to a 30 yr mortgage, so why does the proposal have to be before the house?
Post # 5
Depends on your situtation. If being married is important to you, I definitely wouldn’t buy the house first. If not, then it’s just a personal preference.
Post # 6
Well, I think it depends on the relationship.
I don’t think a ring is the only way to signify commitment. After all it’s just a material item, to me at least.
My husband and I had reasons for waiting to get engaged that were beyond us. But that was a decision that we made together. So in all aspects we WERE committed for life. The proposal and ring was just later.
So for us it was no big deal to buy a home together before being engaged.
If you are not sure then I would not make a huge financial commitment like buying a house with him.
Post # 7
Is there a reason you must buy a house now? I totally understand where you are coming from, Fiance & I will be married on the 2nd anniversary of us purchasing our home. I think that only you will know if buying a home with him at this point is a good decision or not. Rushing him into a proposal just to feel comfortable could be a disaster waiting to happen. I think you should explain to him how you feel and not put all the emphasis on being “engaged”. If a relationship is not strong enough without a ring on your finger it won’t be strong enough if and when he does put it on ur finger. If it doesn’t feel right, just slow down
Post # 8
I really think it depends on the relationship. Fiance and I bought a house together before we were engaged. We were both very committed to each other and had plans to spend our life together though so I don’t think we were buying before a commitment had been made. There wasn’t a ring on my finger but we were both already very sure of our relationship. If either of us had expressed any doubts or unhealthy relationship flags I wouldn’t have done it.
Post # 9
I also agree it depends on the relationship. Fiance and I have a house together, though technically he bought the house but we have lived together in said house since he bought it. I helped him out on picking the house and went to all the things that have to do with purchasing a house. I also help in paying for the house. Now when we get married the house will go in my name also per the state I live in.
Post # 10
I think it’s fine as long as you are open about your plans for the future, and are realistic about what you would do should you break up. For that reason they have what is called a cohabitation agreement which lays out what will happen with money and assets if you split before marriage, if you are concerned.
And I can say this with experience because Fiance and I bought a new home together 9 months before he proposed but we discussed what we would do if we broke up and made sure we were listed as co-owners on the deed so we each had equal entitlement.
Post # 11
All depends on the relationship. Personally, I wouldn’t do it until after marriage, but that’s just what makes me feel confortable.
If you do buy a house together, take a second to have the uncomfortable conversation about what would happen in the event of a breakup, and then get something in writing.
Post # 12
We discussed this and we were not comfortable buying a house together, unless we were married. Since this is such a huge financial commitment, I only saw fit if we were a married couple.
We bought our house about 6 months after we got married 🙂
Post # 13
I think it is really depending on the relationship and your situation. I and my Fiance bought a condo 3 years before we were engaged (3 years after we started dating). We thought getting engaged and married wasn’t important to us as long as we are happy together and committed to each other (personal opinion, don’t mean to offend anyone). However, we did discuss our future and financial arrangement before we bought the place. It is really up to you. What do you feel most comfortable with.
Post # 14
It really depends. We don’t have a house (just isn’t in the cards right now) but we are both on our apartment lease. I know that buying a house is a whole different beast, but I think the commentment level still needs to be there. We were engaged when I moved into the apartment, but I didn’t expect it (he proposed the weekend he came back to FL to finish packing my stuff and drive me over to Houston) and I was still ready to commit to an apartment, and had we been able to afford a house together I would have gladly done that as well.
Post # 15
@BOSOX11: For me, I wouldn’t put all of my life savings into a place with him without a firm committment. We have a friend who bought his condo from a couple who lived together without a committment, bought a condo, did renovations, but never had a committment. They broke up and had to sell the condo. From that alone, I was terrified to buy without knowing where we were. After we got engaged, we spent most of 2009 wedding planning and condo hunting. Two weeks before the wedding, we went under contract and moved in the week before Thanksgiving. For us, this works. It really depends on the person and what you need to know and feel before entering into a financial, real estate situation with a SO or fiance.
Post # 16
i think it depends on what you’re comfortable with. it seems like you aren’t comfortable though, so you should follow your gut.
for us, it hasn’t ever made sense to buy a home since i was planning on going to grad school and probably moving out of state (which i’m now in, and which we did move for), but hubby and i had talked about buying before we were engaged, and maybe would have if we had been planning on staying where we were. we bought a car together before being engaged–that’s a lot smaller than a house of course, but still required a joint loan…we were both comfortable with that though.