(Closed) Being Cheap About the Wedding

posted 8 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Have you tried explaining to him the breakdown of just how much everything costs?  My Fiance was hesitant about spending this or that on things until I gave him the task of researching caterers and then he finally understood that planning a wedding is downright EXPENSIVE. 

On the same line, do you think you are being reasonable in listening to what he wants in the wedding?  Like if he is worried about spending too much on food, have you considered finding more midrange options that can still be nice without breaking the bank?  I noticed that sometimes in this process I got really caught up in a certain element that was kind of pricey and it was nice to have Fiance bring me back down to earth on finding a more reasonably priced alternative.

I feel like we are going for the same feel of wedding as you are, a nice wedding without going overboard.  But it took us awhile to get on the same page.  I think Fiance would have been happy with hot dogs and a keg in the backyard, but now I think he understands how important it is to make the best choices to create the best day.

Post # 5
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I feel your pain.  Fiance keeps using his best man’s wedding as a yardstick for our wedding – they spent $4000 total.  They also had a backyard bbq, with a free venue, free wine, sheet cake, etc.  He just has no clue how much things cost.  We finally agreed that he would pay for our honeymoon, since he likes to travel and won’t be cheap about that.  We are using our parent’s contributions for the wedding and I have to pay for any cost overruns.  Helps to keep me in check since I have to pay for it! 

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Oooh, that’s a good idea from JenniB, do you think you could give him things to spend money on that he would want to spend money on, like the honeymoon?  Or maybe the DJ?  It seems like he is not interested in spending money on the food or venue because those things don’t matter as much to him, so maybe just redirect his efforts to something that does?

Post # 7
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m in the opposite boat. Some of my fiance’s friends spent upwards of $60-80k on their weddings. Well, more accurately, their parents spent that money. We’re paying for our own wedding, and I can’t help but think that he feels some sort of pressure to keep up with what his friends have done. 

What’s helped me cope with the budget is simply seeing how much everything costs. To do darn near anything, it seems like you have to spend a fortune! 

Post # 8
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

What’s your flower budget like?  That’s a good place to cut costs and still have them look beautiful.

Post # 9
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I think what’s important is to remember that there isn’t any right or wrong.  It’s not wrong to spend money on an important celebration, it’s not wrong to have a cheap wedding, both options are great.  I don’t think the two of you will get anywhere arguing about what is ‘right’.  What I would do is sit down and talk about why you want a nice wedding and why it is important to him not spend money on this even though you can afford it.  Discuss the whys and then you can come up with a solution that will satisfy both of those whys.  Hopefully.  Otherwise I think this kind of disagreement comes down to for whom is it more important, is it more important to you to have the party be classy or for him not to spend on it?  That person wins.  But often once you’re talking about the ‘whys’ instead of the ‘whats’ you can come to an agreement. 

Post # 10
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

Guys sometimes don’t realize what things cost. You’re obviously doing the research trying to keep costs down to compromise. It definitely adds up no matter how much you try to save.

You know what he wants but have you tried describing to him how important it is to you?  You’re doing all the footwork and showing him spreadsheets, it’s obviously important to you to do things on budget but still “right” for you (i.e.: not chips & dip on a park bench – tee hee that’s funny. It’d be a great shower though!)?

Post # 11
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Do you have separate bank accounts?  Could you pool more of your own money, to make it work?  To be honest, I never budgeted the wedding with my husband.  My parents paid for half, and I paid for half.  I saved almost every penny I ever made, so that I could pay for a wedding.  (He paid for the honeymoon.)

Post # 12
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I hear you, because I was having similar problems with my Fiance.  Some suggestions that helped me:

don’t add things up – if you’re happy with the individual litems’ prices and they’re all important, and you’re not going into debt, then what does the total tell you?  nothing, it just makes you anxious.

concentrate on the emotions and people, not the stuff, when you’re talking about it.  My Fiance wants me to have things that are important to me, but hates things that I’m only doing because weddings “need” them, so saying “I want to have a nice lunch for my grandma and this is the caterer I love” means a lot more to him than “the average wedding meal costs $75/person and so getting it for $40 is a steal”.  Wedding averages, to him, just means “the average person is stupid” (he said it not me!)

force him to make suggestions rather than just criticizing.  get him involved in negotiations, so that he sees that it can either be nice and $$ or dumpy and $, so he’s not asking you to do something impossible with the budget. 

emphasize that you will be unhappy with a crappy venue and chips.  you aren’t doing it to impress anyone, you honestly will be unhappy. 

but also show you haven’t changed on the whole, that just because you want to spend money for your wedding doesn’t mean you aren’t still frugal the rest of the time.  You don’t disagree with him on principle, but on specifics. also take breaks from wedding planning so he sees you are still the cool girl he proposed too, that relieves some male anxiety I think. 

tell him that you are compromising (and mention some places you are doing so) so he has to also. no one gets a prize for winning! 

I’m glad to find someone else with the same priorities and problems as me – good luck as we’ll both need it!

Post # 13
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

It sounds like your Fiance is more concerned about overall money issues and perhaps the wedding budget is what’s getting the focus of the issue.

Guys are wired to worry about money.  I think you need to sit down with an agreed upon 3rd party to talk this through.  I think this is an important step in negotiation and the way you two will compromise in the future.  

He also may have felt pressured into doing a wedding ‘your’ way, when all along, he didn’t want anything lavish.

The point is – arguing about it is not going to get anywhere.  You need to come to a unified agreement about a compromise you both can live with.

You may need to (again) explain what a wedding means to you and why the format you want is important.  He may need to explain why he feels so strongly at capping it at 6K.  Together you may need to discuss what your financial goals as a couple will be for the next few years.  

He agreed to put 6K into the wedding – so, even though he feels strongly about not spending a lot of money on one day – he is on board to have a big party.  Perhaps he feels like the 8K is going to turn into 10K, etc.  Did you initially agree on 6?

If you are early on in your engagement, it’s likely that he’s also really overwhelmed about a lot of things – and, from what you’ve said – it sounds like he’s a long-term planner.  I am sometimes that way and not a day goes by when I don’t think about what else could be done with the money I’m spending on the wedding!  So, go easy on him too!  He’s wanting what he feels is the best for both of you and your future.

 

 

Post # 15
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Im working on a $8000 budget also for about 150 guests:

 

Hall:  1865.00

Décor:  940.00

Cake:  125.00

Flowers: 275.00

Flower Vases: 125.00

Party Favors: 40.00

Dress:  1000.00

Tuxedo:  130.00

Invitations: 275.00

Food:  2405.00

Photography: 0.00

DJ:  ?

Other (cake knife/server, flower girl basket, card box): $20

 

 

some my things will not work for you.  for example… im making the wedding cake since im a baker/cake decorator.  we will have 2 professional photographers and a college student (younger sister, family friend, and uncle).  With the decor, it is a family business friend which we’ve known for over 10 years so we got a discount.  The DJ will be a friend of my sisters so he may or may not ask to be paid.  I made the invitations and pretty much everything else, I got on sale at michaels or joann in addition to shopping online for cheaper prices.  I do think you can make it for $6000 and make it beautiful… you two just have to get creative and really use your resources and network.  i know for what we are getting, this wedding would easily cost at least 12,000.

Post # 16
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

That’s a tough one!  As much as I agree with you, I can also see your FI’s side.  My Fiance loves to splurge, so in a way I envy such a stickler!  The thing is, once you really get into wedding planning, you probably WILL go over budget.  At least, that is what happened to us, and I think it is very common.  If he is being a stickler at first, maybe it is a good thing, because you can squeeze more in later if you need to, or if he softens up to it.

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