(Closed) Being completely selfish, my cousins wedding the day after my 21st… gutted!

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 2
22 posts
  • Wedding: January 2015

I can understand you feeling upset about the weekends around your 21st are filling up. I wouldn’t put it off a year, but celebrate your 21st when you do have time, when family and friends aren’t celebrating other birthdays or weddings. I would say, though, that your original birthweek is probably not going to work since a wedding takes up pretty much the entire weekend, unless they are distant relatives and you don’t have much to do with the wedding. Maybe you can join together with your BFF and see if you can do a joint 21st birthday with them (since you probably share a lot of the same friends). Or if your BFF really wants to have his or her own party, then do it the night before or after – if s/he parties on Friday then you party on Saturday. 

Post # 3
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF

21st birthdays are important – I went all out for mine so at the very least, I can appreciate that you might be disappointed.

That being said, it’s a very good thing that you recognize you’re being selfish and frankly, a bit ridiculous about this. It’s much, much easier to change the date of a birthday party than it is to change a wedding (not that anyone would or should just to better accommodate your birthday party plans). You also don’t need to go with the all-or-nothing approach. There’s no need to not celebrate your birthday simply because your preferred date for a party is unavailable. I think you’d really regret it down the line, as 21 (to me) seems like the last major milestone before 30! 

Why can’t you and your BFF have a joint birthday, if your plan is to go out with friends and do something more intimate (like a meal) with family? Alternatively, if you want to have it the same week as your actual birthday, you could do a late dinner on Saturday to give everyone time to recover from the wedding, etc. As a last resort, why not have your birthday party two weeks later? It’s not ideal, but I remember as a child that my parents would pick random dates in July to host my birthday! Your friends won’t really mind and who doesn’t love a good celebration regardless of the date?

Post # 6
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

View original reply
DanniD94:  I’d have your party a few weeks later – I just turned 30 and had my party 3 weeks later as lots of my friends were overseas for work in the previous weeks. It was good in a way – extended the fun longer! On my actual birthday I had an immediate family dinner and my husband took me away the night before etc. I actually had my 21st 3 months after my real birthday too so my friend and I could have a joint one now that I think about it!

Post # 7
22 posts
  • Wedding: January 2015

I want to say that I don’t think you are being ridiculous at all. You aren’t asking people to change thier plans just to accomidate you, and you aren’t complaining about the wedding. A 21st birthday is the large milestone – even more than a 30th, or so on.  You will remember it for the rest of your life. You’re not being nasty or irrational at all. I think you are approaching this very carefully and that is a good thing. Have an awesome time! I’ll do some shots in your honor! 

Post # 8
7652 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Part of turning 21 for me was going out on my actual birthday because bars tended to give me free beer. If you weren’t planning a party for your actual birthday anyways, I don’t think it’s a big deal at all. Have it Saturday night (hopefully you’re not all still hung over then) or the weekend after.

Post # 9
6104 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013


DanniD94:  just go out for a few drinks on your actual birthday and then have your party on that Saturday.

Post # 10
2742 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

wedding>21st birthday

Sorry but truth is a birthday is a celebration of one life and the years you have thankfully been given. 21 just means you get to drink alcohol legally.

Wedding is the celebration of 2 lives that have chosen to comit to each other for life. Its about giving to each other the years you will be blessed with to make each other better.


You can celebrate a birthday when you have time any time that month. You can now even drink alcohol at this wedding if that is what your celebration entails. However a wedding is a big deal and though you each get a special day its only one day each.

Post # 11
10460 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

View original reply
DanniD94:  Can you plan to do something Saturday? Or why not have a combined party with the BFF?

Post # 12
9244 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Why can’t you just have a celebration on the Saturday? You are making this into a bigger drama than it needs to be and are coming off like a 16 yr old rather than someone about to turn 21. 

Post # 13
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014


View original reply
DanniD94:  What exactly did you want to do for your bday? Have a party with your family, friends? Go out dancing kind of thing? Or a dinner? For my 21st I just went out with my bf (at the time) and a few friends to a lounge at night. 

If you wanted to have a family party, I can see where people might be hesitant to go after being at a wedding the day before. Like you said, might be hungover. As for in your actual birthday, maybe just go out with your friends so you can at least do something on that day. And save a family dinner for Saturday or an actual party a couple weeks later. 

Post # 14
1033 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

Going out on Saturday or the next weekend is fine. I can see why you feel upset and I know it seems like a big deal now, but it’s not.  In a year or two you might wonder why you even cared.  I don’t know why people say it’s such a big deal…like now you can go to bars…so?  Maybe it’s a bigger thing in the US but being able to legally drink isn’t a big life milestone here.  Wouldn’t your 18th have been more important because then you are legally an adult? Much bigger deal.    My 18th was during midterm week at university so I didn’t have a party until a couple of weeks later and it was just as good! Yours will be just as good too

Post # 15
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I think you sound a little riddiculous. A birthday does not need to be celebrated on the actual day of your birthday, or even weekend. And your 21st may seem like a big deal right now, but weddings are much more important in the grand scheme of things. Just pick another day- it can be belated-NBD. FWIW, one of my good friends had a big 21st bday party on MY actual 21st birthday. I just celebrated on a different day. 

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