Post # 1
I’ve never posted on here but, decided to give it a try in hopes of getting other people who are in my same situation or just advice. Without going into a complete long story, I’ll try to summarize it. My fiancé and I have been together for 6 years, we are 21 years old and just got engaged at the end of June. I was so excited to be getting engaged to him and he was also. However, my family has never supported any of our decisions. I think this all started due to me being an only child, my parents have way to much control over me and threatening me so much. At the age of 21 I was told I had to be home by 9 pm, if not my car would be towed. From the age of 5-6 up until probably 17 my parents means of reprimanding me was simple, just to basically hit me multiple times and scream at me. This is how I have grown up and still to this day fear my mother, at the age of 21. After posting our engagement announcement on Facebook, I literally could not stand because I was shaking so bad out of fear.
I recently took him to see all of my extended family in which they belittled him the whole time we were there. This included telling him he wasn’t good enough for me, I should have dated other people and not just been committed to one person for that long at such a young age. There were multiple things they said in which he never responded to. I ended up being the one who said something after we left because I felt it was really inappropriate for my family to say anything and I do not think they ever even had good intentions of spending the weekend with him. I think it was all just a sabotage to see how much damage could be done basically. I have tried to sit down with my family and ask what can I do to change their opinions and there’s never anything that I can do to change it. My fiancé i feel shouldn’t be looked down upon, he doesn’t smoke, drink or do any of the stuff most people our age are doing. I recently got into nursing school and he is also in the process of getting his degree while working at the jail as an Officer.
His family has always been supportive and were all thrilled about our engagement. Because of the way my family reacted, I know it had a negative impact and did upset me. It lead to my mom deleting us both off of Facebook and telling me I was nothing but scum basically along with my fiancé and his mother. After all of this, I really am considering just moving out before I begin nursing school because I know in a couple days she will come back and apologize, say she’s sorry and never do it again. Yet somehow in a matter of days, it will all happen all over again. Has anyone ever been through something similar or even just advice I would appreciate, thank you!
Post # 2
I think you should move out if you have any other options. They’re abusers, plain and me simple
Post # 3
cf9823 : yep, my now DH was disowned by his family when we got engaged. The key is to stop all contact immediately before they poison your life. Find a way to move out and stop any contact. I know it’s not easy to block out your family but you don’t deserve all their abuse
Post # 4
I have went through the same thing minus the engagement part. A toxic parent always making threats and trying to hurt me.
I understand the fear and anxiety. What worked for me, was putting the distance in between me and them before they did the deed… Take time and space for you and your fiance and enjoy it. He is clearly working hard and you see that. They do not want to see that and think that giving the cold shoulder and treating him and you that way might initiate a break up.
Once you take a break from it all things might calm down. It does not have to be a forever thing. Best of luck.
Post # 5
cf9823 : Sorry but your family sounds like trash, pure and simple. Don’t worry about them disowning you – disown them! While I’m not one to be super supportive of young marriages due to stats and you should absolutely make sure you’re marrying him for love and not to escape, there is also no benefit to your staying with your family. Like at all. Move out of the house, live on your own a year while you prepare for the wedding and start nursing school as planned. I’d keep the abusive family members at a far distance, wouldn’t even give them the new address.
Post # 6
so I’m guessing your car is not in your name? Did you pay for it? You either need to get your name on your car or expect to be moving out without a vehicle
Post # 7
I think it is time to cut off or seriously limit contact with your family. They are abusive and toxic. This isn’t just about you being engaged. It sounds like they would be abusive to you no matter what you did, because that’s the way they are. I have to limit contact with my mom because she is abusive. I know what it’s like to be scared and worried about what will happen next. Those days are over because I limit all contact with her.
Post # 8
If your parents own the parking spot and/or car, unfortunately they can do whatever they want. If you don’t want to be controlled like that, you need to give it up.
While you are a tad young and I could understand parents being concerned/hurt over such a thing, it sounds more like your parents are angry over potentially losing control over you. Maybe this is a sign you should start moving in with your fiance? Your parents are acting like babies over your personal relationship that they shouldn’t have any say in. Don’t come around them anymore unless they can act decently.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
Get out of that living situation as soon as you can. There’s no excuse for your parents behavior. Overprotective is not the same as abusive and toxic. If the car isn’t in your name start making plans to save for one of your own or alternate transportation. I’m sorry they thought it was ever ok to treat you like this. 🙁 Wishing you both the best with your education goals and congrats on your engagement.
Post # 10
cf9823 : congratulations on your engagement
Move out ASAP
Post # 11
I was disowned by my grandmother, followed by all of my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc when I was 9. It was all about money and the family business following my grandparents’ divorce. She made up lies about my dad and got him audited by the IRS, meaning she was hoping he was guilty of tax fraud, sending him to prison, and forcing her grandchildren out of their home. Ultimately it ended with my grandma telling my dad she wished she had aborted him.
I took it really hard and suffered from depression for over a decade. Opening up to my SO helped me to realize that these horrible people weren’t worth it. It seems like a lose-lose situation at first. Either remain involved with your family while they constantly show disapproval, or cut ties and lose them. In the end, you should do what will make you and your fiance happy. Does he feel hurt and offended by how he is treated or does he just brush it off? In my situation, I’m happier to have finally let go of my past. No more wondering how they could’ve done such hurtful things to a child or thinking deep down that it was partially my fault. Personally in your situation, I would move out and start your own life. Mostly to remove yourself from the abuse, but also to show them how strong you are and how strong your relationship with your fiance is.
Post # 12
I’m less worried about your relationship and more worried about your future kids. You can count on your family hurting them. Get away now so you have years of distance and firm roots in your mutual friends and fiancé’ family as your support system. If you intend to have a family, you need to make the responsible, unselfish choice.
Post # 13
cf9823 : I had to cut ties with my family. My father was always physically abusive and when I could support myself and my mom died I decided i was done. The rest of my family called me a bad person for cutting ties especially since my mom died and my “poor” father was a widower. Very aggressive toward me these nasty and guilt trip messages about not coming home for the holidays. It was very hard but with the help of my friends and therapist I cut ties and haven’t spoken to or seen my family in 5 years. It’s hard to feel right about that if you are like me and seek approval from your family. I also am very easily guilted and manipulated into doing things that serve others but make me compromise in a way that hurts me. “It’s your family” is not a reason to accept abuse. Abuse is never acceptable. You’re parents are abusive. ThAts what I had to learn in my support group. Can you support yourself? Are you guys financially independent? If the answer is yes be done with them. Make sure you get your things while you can. I had to sacrifice a lot of financial things. My dad is very wealthy and I had to struggle financially and work very long hours to support myself and pay off my 150k in student loans that he decided not to pay. I still rent a one bed whereas my brother has a several million dollar home in NYC my dad bought for him. My brothers wedding budget was 200k and mine is 6k. I might struggle to pay for child care when I have a baby whereas my dad would have cut a check for a nanny if we were still in touch. I work very hard to keep my corporate job whereas my dad bought my brother a restaurant to run since he didn’t feel like applying for jobs. But you know what? Sometimes you have to buy your freedom. For me it’s worth it.
I regret trying to make things work with my family as long as I did. Now I lead a happy life free of them and their drama. Someone else can be their scapegoat now. Friends and pets and a husband are family you choose and you rejoice in that family and those blessings that you do have.
Is your FI good to you? Does he try to make you happy? Does he have a job or is he in school? If any of these are yes then you forget about the drama and you live your life.
Im eloping to maui next month my family doesn’t even know I’m engaged and now I realize it’s their loss.
Their problem for creating a toxic environment. I will be celebrating!!
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2017 - Cottage
cf9823 : Your family is very toxic and abusive. Move out asap.
Post # 15
Your family is ABUSIVE. You and your fiance don’t need to work to gain their approval because they are horrible and will not act reasonably. You need to get out of the ASAP (definitely move out) and probably limit your contact. The cycle of her constantly breaking promises not to do it again won’t end. You may even need to exclude them from the wedding. Concentrate on the new family of you and your fiance and if your fiance’s family are lovely then turn to them too. If you like you could tell his family that yours is abusive because then they will know that they can do family things for you without stepping on any toes, e.g. your FMIL might offer to take you wedding dress shopping if she’s aware that you won’t be going with your mother.