(Closed) Being friends with your ex on Facebook? WWYD?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Being friends with an ex on Facebook is....

    disrespectul to the new partner

    no big deal

    dangerous

    depending on the intentions

    other [comment]

  • Post # 17
    Member
    14492 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    View original reply
    @alaha:  I’m friends with almost all my exes. Hubs is cool with that. Now if he had a problem with it, or even just one or two, I would drop those dudes like a hot potato. Now if I were uncomfortable with him being friends with his exes, I would also drop those dudes. Hubs and I have equal expectations, we discussed them many many times in the dating process. If something makes me uncomfortable, then i can expect it to make him uncomfortable. That’s how our particular relationship evolved and how it works, our expectations aren’t going to be the same as other couples have of eachother. Some people call it being equally yoked, and we definitely are that.

    Post # 18
    Member
    2564 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    Luckily FI’s ex-wife and he were never FB friends (she is with some of his family, which annoys me but whatever) and his last ex before me, he unfriended her when he realized she was going to keep “pushing” their new “friendship” and he was ready to move on and be happy. 

    I have a couple people who I dated very briefly on mine – I don’t think it bothers Fiance that much (a little but not a lot) but if it got to the point where he asked me to unfriend, I would.

    Post # 19
    Member
    1401 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

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    @alaha:  I think sometimes you just have to let go. I had my ex on my Facebook friend list for a while after we broke up and eventually I realized I just didn’t want or need it anymore. He was my past and I just didn’t need to be reminded of it all the time. It was putting me backwards in my healing because it was always in front of me.

     

    Post # 20
    Member
    1530 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Being friends with an ex on FB is one thing – but constantly liking eachothers posts and writing on eachothers walls is another.  I am friends with two of my “exs” on facebook – but never like or comment on anything.  Same with my DH – even though hes never on FB anyway. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    1882 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    View original reply
    @alaha:  I voted “depends on intentions” – my fiance is friends with several of his ex gfs on Facebook, and it doesn’t bother me at all. We’ve been together for a long time and his last serious gf was nearly a decade ago, everyone’s moved on. I, however, have repeatedly rejected my ex’s FB friend requests because he is crazy and would take it as an invitation back into my life in spite of the fact that 1) I’m engaged, 2) my relationship with my fiance is longer than the one I had with ex, and 3) he is also engaged! I would have to be as crazy as he is to invite that kind of drama into my life.   

    Post # 22
    Member
    1227 posts
    Bumble bee

    I have exes on Facebook as does my husband however if either of us took issue with it, the respectful thing for us to do would be to delete them. You are not the most important person in his life anymore and it is admirable that he is taking her feelings into consideration regardless of whether she asked him to our not.

    Post # 23
    Member
    376 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I’m still FB friends with one of my exes… my high school sweetheart that I dated for 2 1/2 years. We ended on good terms, we just grew apart in college. I’m still friends with his family as well.

    But my fiance has met him and his family, and we broke up so long ago it doesn’t even phase him. He knows there’s no feelings there on either side.

    My fiance is friends with 2 of his exes on facebook. Both were same situations- broke up on good terms and are still friendly. I have no reason to be upset about it, they are nice girls and I trust both his and their intentions.

    There are some people that I dated, and he dated, that I would be pissed about. People who either broke our hearts, possibly still had feelings for us, etc.

    So yes… depends on the intentions. But if I was his girlfriend and had never met you and you two are that close I’d feel uncomfortable too. Maybe you can meet her, she can see that your intentions are pure and then she will feel more comfortable?

    Post # 24
    Member
    394 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    Unfortunately, whether you agree with his/her stance or not, you just need to accept it gracefully.  I was very close friends with my ex-boyfriend for years.  Our breakup was not messy ~ we split because he admitted that he never wanted kids.  We stayed friends, but when he got married, his new wife demanded he unfriend me on FB and stop all communications with me. When he did so, I was very hurt, but really?  I get it.  Many women are just not comfortable with their partners having female friends.  Better to lick your wounds and let it go, then be labeled “that annoying woman who won’t leave my boyfriend/fiance/husband alone.”  

    Hugs to you.  I know it sucks to lose a friend when you did nothing wrong to cause the split.

    Post # 25
    Member
    11528 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

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    @tksjewelry:  +1. 

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    @alaha:  I think you have no choice but to respect his wishes and to let go of the friendship, at least for the forseeable future, unless or until his circumstances change and he is decides that he would like to attempt to re-establish contact with you.

    Post # 26
    Member
    10355 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    We’re both FB friends with exs. Obviously we married each other and are happy, so I don’t see the issue. We trust each other.

    Post # 27
    Member
    4765 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I was kinda in the same situation.  I had an ex and thought we were friends and you know kept in contact like you did and then he told me one day it was just too painful to communicate, and that’s that.  He then said if he wants to be friends he’ll contact me, that was prob 5 years ago now, lol.  I wouldn’t reply even if he did try to engage me at this point.  So maybe it is the same for you guy but he just dosn’t say it.  I donno.

    Guys are wierd.

    Post # 28
    Member
    3400 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I think it really depends on how serious the relationship is, & how often you talk to the person.

    I have a few ex’s on facebook, but only the ones I dated very briefly & talk to almost never.

    He has a few ex’s on his facebook that were relatively not serious as well.

    If I found out he was talking to an ex semi-regularly or one that he was somewhat serious with, I would be very unhappy with that, and vice versa.

    Post # 29
    Member
    727 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

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    @MrsGatito:  +1

    It probably depends on the person specifically. Personally, I would not be comfortable if my Fiance kept in touch with his ex by phone calls once in a while to catch up, sending each other silly pics on WhatsApp once in a while and mails here and there

    .

    View original reply
    @alaha: 
    I think FB is more acceptable than the texting & phone calls. I would be a little hurt if Fiance was calling his ex and sending her silly pics, esp if they were of himself. I think that maybe your level of communication is a little much for an ex. 

    I would feel differently if you guys actually hung out and your Fiance and Ex were friends and could all be open about a friendship. But having a “special” friendship that excludes your current partners, especially onethat you are so upset about losing, and one with whom you were so serious is a little strange IMO. OF course each person and sisutation is different. 

    Fiance and I are actually inviting some of our exes and their spouses to our wedding! A girl he hooked up with (in college, aka 10+ years ago) who is married to one of his best friends is coming along with her bff who he also made out with (10 yrs ago). One of my exes (from 5 yrs ago) is coming with his wife. The difference is, we all hang out. We’re all friends. We know that there is a history and we have moved on and while we don’t talk about it when we are together we are open with our partners that it happened (w/o getting into the nitty gritty obviously). In fact, it was FI’s idea that I invite my ex, he sat with him and his wife at a wedding we attended recently (I was a bridesmaid so could not sit with them). Fiance likes the ex and his wife a lot and told me we should try and hang out more often bc the’re cool and we have a lot in common (Ex and I are both psychologists, Fiance and Ex’s wife are both teachers). See, here Fiance is INITIATING the connection which makes me comfortable MANTAINING it.

    I can understand being hurt. But I really wonder if there are still any feelings? (as a therapist, nothing wrong with feelings, they have a reason for being there). You’ve given no indication otherwise, but I hope you’ll respect your ex’s wishes. Over time, I think it might be wise to cut down on the other communication too. I think he is sending a message that either he or his new gf are not comfortable with it

     

    Post # 30
    Member
    2546 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @alaha:  I’m FB friends with only *some* ex’s, and the same is true for DH. Generally only the ex’s that keep their distance and are respectful. However, neither of us would consider these people friends in real life, we just like being able to stalk and see where their lives are now. I did have a few ex’s I had to delete after they started making comments on my pics or private messaging me asking me when I’d be in town next… 

    I would not be ok with DH calling, writing, sending pics etc to an ex just because. The only time he has done that was with an ex that is a vet tech now and he wanted to get some advice when our dog was having issues. However we talked about it first and agreed she would be the best place to start for advice. I’m of the opinion that if you break up there is no need to maintain a friendship unless you are hoping to eventually get back together- not saying that’s everyones intentions, but that’s how I view it for myself…. 

    Post # 31
    Member
    11266 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    everyone is different. 

    i would just accept it. 

    i actually admire your ex-bf’s respect for his new gf feelings.  she may not have even said anything to him about it.  he may have done this on his own b/c that is how he feels if she had an ex on her fb.

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