(Closed) Being friends with your ex on Facebook? WWYD?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Being friends with an ex on Facebook is....

    disrespectul to the new partner

    no big deal

    dangerous

    depending on the intentions

    other [comment]

  • Post # 32
    Member
    2035 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @alaha:  Yep, I say disrespectful to the new partner.

    One of the things I LOVE LOVE LOVE about Mr. Veryberry is that he is not on facebook-no drama ever.

    If Mr. Veryberry were on facebook and felt the need to be friends/talk to his ex…He wouldn’t be Mr. Veryberry anymore and I’d be on the search for someone who can respect my boundries.

    It’s cool that you are your new BF are totally cool with being friends with ex’s and it doesn’t bother you.  But, it does bother some people.  Also…How do you know that maybe your ex has just plain moved on and has no need to keep in touch with you anymore?  How do you not know that it’s HIM who doesn’t want his new Girlfriend to be friends with her ex’s…and has decided to not be friends with his ex’s too as a result.

    Every couples boundries are different.  I think they should be respected.  Are you sure you are over your ex?  Why is this bothering you?

    Post # 33
    Member
    9680 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I personally think Facebook is stupid and it comes between a lot of couples. I can’t wrap my head around that at all and I am glad that neither of us bother with it. It seems so juvenile and brings up even more juvenile issues to obsess over. No, thanks.

    Post # 34
    Member
    9948 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    It is all about boundaries…

    I am old school on this topic (and have taken some heat for it from other Bees)

    BUT the truth is, I have seen it far too many times where “friends” with the opposite sex can lead to problems in a relationship

    Most people who end up in affairs do so with people they were “friends” with

    Be they work friends – new friends – old friends – or friends who were Exes

    This is how relationships happen… thru spending time with someone one-on-one

    In the same way that BFs / SOs stemmed out of friendships as well

    One on one time with a member of the opposite sex when you are in a relationship for many couples is indeed considered a no-no when they determine the “boundaries” that they want for their relationship

    They do this because they have talked things thru and FOR THEM figure it is a risk that they don’t want to introduce

    Doesn’t mean that one person doesn’t trust the other… just that FOR THEM they are aware of the statistics, and choose not to go there.

    Call it whatever YOU want (old-fashioned thinking as I say seems to be a common stance)

    But in reality THEIR RELATIONSHIP isn’t YOURS to judge… as you will do whatever you are comfortable with for your own relationship

    For THEIRS this is what they’ve determined will be their RESPECTFUL BOUNDARY

    Sorry… ya see it as losing a friend,

    BUT, in reality the concept of continuing friendships with Exes is a NEW ONE… and the keeping others at a distance is definitely old-school, and has a long history of working for couples in the past for decades.

    Once upon a time, when you split up with someone, you moved on… entirely.  Not looking back, always looking forward.

    Sure I have fond memories of some past BFs & Loves, but it wouldn’t occur to me for a minute to reconnect with them in any way… that is the past… Mr TTR is my Present & Future now.

    And quite frankly… I am so much better off in my life because of his being in it, I wouldn’t do a thing to jeopardize it… including even casually “friending” someone on FaceBook

    (lol, then again, I am not on FB, as I had quite my fill of “Jr High” silliness when I actually was in Jr High and 12 years old.  Waaay too much non-important life Drama on FB… )

    Hope this helps,

     

    Post # 35
    Member
    633 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I personally don’t believe that relationships ever breed friendships, so to speak. if you had a romantic history with someone, it’s not something that can be undone/unseen/unheard, so it feels trite to call that a “friendship.” If there are people my husband is uncomfortable with me maintaining contact with, I would like that to be a part of a discussion if possible rather than based on my thoughts on the matter, shooting him down. Just my 2 cents.

    Post # 36
    Member
    11735 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    There’s nothing for you to do but accept it and move on.  It’s his choice.

    Post # 37
    Member
    2537 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I think it’s one thing to be friends with them on Facebook whilst you are single. But to friend them after you’re in a relationship….not sure it is really necessary to be honest. I think you should respect his choice. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    145 posts
    Blushing bee

    @alaha: I think he just cares his girl friend so much. He doesn’t want a slightest possibility she might feel uncomfortable. He also told you in a very reasonable and polite way. I think he’s very thoughtful and he loves his girl friend so much. Just bless him with his new relationship and move on.

     

    Post # 39
    Member
    152 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    It all depends.

    I am friends with my highschool/college ex still… but I am NOT with my ex previous DH… we didn’t end up in good terms and I ended up blocking him and his entourage (family, friends that were more his friends than mine.. etc).

     

    Maybe he’s doing this so he’s not tempted or something… Just let it go and move on… whoever wants to be in your life will be…

    Post # 40
    Member
    2563 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I have no desire to be friends with exes on or off the internet.  Whether it is his choice or his SO’s I think it may be time to go your separate ways.  I don’t care if Fiance has female friends, however if he has had a romantic relationship with them previously, that’s a different story.

    Post # 41
    Member
    467 posts
    Helper bee

    My SO was friends with an Ex on facebook, kept in touch and I didn’t mind it.  However, their frienship was established long before I entered the picture.  I knew about it, as we were friends for years before we started dating, and was fine with it.  I trusted him, and whenever they talked on the phone, he always made sure I was present and kept it on speaker.  He was very open about how they were communicating.  

    When we became serious, the ex ended the relationship with him because she was jealous of me.  He had several gf in between, but I was the first he was serious about in a long time.  I know my boyfriend thought his relationship was platonic, but I guess she was always hoping they might get back together.  Kinda sad really.  

    It sucks that you lost a friend, but given your romantic history, I can understand why he is keeping his distance.  At one point, he may have carried a romantic torch for you.  Perhaps, he still does.  While your feelings might be platonic, his might pose a threat to his current relationship.  Either way, he may need to break off contact with you to be happy.  Wish him well, and send him on his way.        

    Post # 42
    Member
    8035 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    I see exes as exes for a reason, and I don’t see why in 99% of cases you’d actually want to be friends with an ex.

    I have a couple of high school “exes” (I put in quotes because high school is hardly serious in the grand scheme of life) on my FB. I don’t have any adult relationship exes on there, though. Just too painful.. like why would I want to see what a guy I used to want to marry is up to? No thanks.

    Not everyone looks at it as you do… maybe his gf sees it more as I do… so I think you should just repect that. You’ve lost an acquaintance more than anything. It’s not like you guys went to being BFFs.

    Post # 43
    Member
    509 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    @afake79:  +1000

    I used to be friends with my exes. It was completely platonic. I had continued to be friends with them through other relationships I had because I knew my SO’s at the time wouldn’t care. When I started dating my boyfriend I contacted all of them and told them I could no longer be friends with them. My boyfriend would find it disrespectful. He didn’t have to ask, I just did it, he actually doesn’t even know I did it. I know my boyfriend, I know how he thinks and feels so I just did it for him. He is the most important person to me, I don’t need to be friends with any of my exes. I am being considerate & respectful of his feelings, he didn’t have to ask me, I just did it. My exes are nice people but I have enough friends, I chose my boyfriend over them, they’re nothing to me, there’s no need to cling to an old acquaintance like that 

    Post # 44
    Member
    345 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I’m definitely of the mindset that unless there’s a really good reason (like children together), that exes should stay in the past. Fiance had an on and off girlfriend all through college that he “met up with” one last time only a month before we met. This girl is crazy. Fiance said he stopped talking to her after we met… but after we had been dating 6+ months, she sent him shower photos. Fiance sent her a note very much like what your ex sent to you. She continued to send him Valentines Day and Birthday cards until he moved (and she no longer knew his address). I have nothing but hate for this girl. She’s married with two kiddos, lives 1000 miles away, hasn’t seen Fiance in 7 years, and I still cringe when she “likes” one of our photos on facebook. 

    This being said, I haven’t asked him to “de-friend” her. He has blocked her from seeing the majority of his posts, so I think it’s harmless. She can see us being happy together and I’m okay with that. I also never defriended my exes, but I certainly never communicate with them and they’re on limited FB lists too. 

    Good on your ex for standing up for his relationship. Let him go!

    Post # 45
    Member
    105 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I certainly can understand where your ex is coming from.  You state yourself that you had a serious relationship with him, that is something you can’t undo.  You have an intimate history together.  In my opinion, it’s perfectly reasonable for his current gf to be bothered by you and him communicating privately with one another.  Whether this request came from her or if he’s doing this out of respect for her, it really doesn’t matter.  He knows what is best for his relationship and he values their relationship enough to focus on it. 

     

     

    Post # 46
    Member
    105 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    Just to add, my Fiance has his ex of 6 years (one prior to me) on his FB but has her on an extremely limited profile.  Thing is, we end up seeing her a couple times a month because she travels in the same social circles and it would be seen as a huge snub for him to delete her, so this is just easier than having people ask.  Most annoying to me is that his family and family friends still have her on theirs…  that’s because anything they post about me/us, she can see, because I’m sure they haven’t got her on any sort of limited profile.  Like, his father announcing our engagement.  In some ways though, I guess it serves her right to still have them on there!

    Early on, they had each other on an instant messaging app which she would use to contact him on occasion.  I expressed that it made me uncomfortable that they communicate with each other privately and he deleted her without a second thought.  She hasn’t tried to contact him since.

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