(Closed) Being guilted into having a wedding party

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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ellep91010:  Totally agree with your decision to not ask for a monetary contribution from his family! It will definitely be a gift with strings….wedding money gifts are always attached to a lot of conditions!

Post # 17
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2016

As a fellow people pleaser I am also struggling with setting boundaries and we are just in the early stages of planning! We also do no plan on having a wedding party. I personally think it takes pressure off of friends and family, I would just like everyone to show up and have a good time, not play a role or get to work. To distinguish family from the rest of the guest and make them feel a little extra special, we are thinking of asking them to dress in our “wedding colors” or have corsages/boutonnières made up. Something to consider  Good luck!

Post # 18
Member
2339 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

 

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mrslinch2016:  I’d stop short of asking them to wear wedding colours but making them special by giving them buttonholes/corsages is a genius idea. FWIW I’d go for fuck-off big yellow ones in this case. 😈

Post # 19
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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ellep91010:  If they are already making interferring or making comments imagine how much worse it will be if you give in. As its said on here all the time. NO is a complete sentance. 

Post # 20
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

I am also not having a bridal party and my Future Mother-In-Law was very unhappy about it and let it be known on several occasions, much like your Future Mother-In-Law. She is not paying for any part of our wedding. I refused to cave and asked Fiance to talk to her. He did and she has not mentioned it since. Maybe your Fiance could do the same?

All of my friends are really quite relieved to not have any bridesmaid “duties.” Most of them are already married and some have told me they would do it this way if they were to do it all over again. 

We are having posies (small bouquets) for my sister and the moms, and Fiance and his brother are going to wear unique pocket squares in their suits. They are all walking down the aisle at the beginning, but then sitting at the front during the ceremony. I really wanted it to just be Fiance and I at the altar when we get married. Maybe compromises like this could work so people still feel more special than the “average” guest but you still get to have your intimate wedding? Or even just giving them small gifts the day of- like you would your bridal party- could smooth things over and still help them feel included? Just an idea to help keep the peace with your in-laws.

I agree with PP to only share future details with Future Mother-In-Law sparingly. I have been doing the same thing since the bridal party issue and everything is going much smoother. Fiance has a large, opinionated family so whenever they ask me about anything now, I just say I want it to be a surprise. By the time they have formed an opinion, it will be too late! Haha

Post # 21
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I am not planning on having any attendants, either. Honestly, I think that makes it easier, as you’re not specifically excluding anyone. I would be very matter of fact about it, and if there’s any kerfluffle, let your fiance deal with it.

I told my parents in passing that I had no interest in being in my brother’s wedding and would probably decline if asked (not close to my sister-in-law, I’m 7 years older than her, I live in another state and couldn’t really help with anything). My parents were HORRIFIED. They each called me to basically bargain with me to accept, saying that my brother and now SIL would be so hurt. And you know what? They didn’t ask me, and to the best of my knowledge, had no intention of doing so. As it was, my brother had to ask a random cousin just to even up the two sides. My SIL made a point of getting me a corsage, and that was plenty for me. Finally, it’s been 7 months now, and no one could care less about any of this. If you guys stand strong, I suspect it’ll be the same for you. 

Post # 22
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Stick to your guns and say no. Just no. I have four siblings who I love dearly, and am very close to. They appreciate that I don’t want a wedding party. Your family should too, as should your husband’s.

Post # 24
Member
7640 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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ellep91010:  The wedding’s not about them! You have the wedding you want, not the wedding they want.

If you were excluding Future Sister-In-Law it would be a different story, but by having no bridal party at all, or only a Maid/Matron of Honor and best man, you are treating everyone the same. 

Finally, try as much as possible to get your Fiance to handle them, since they’re his family. Let it be him, not you, who explains that you’re not having a bridal party.

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