Being happy for pregnant friends

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
7000 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

What makes you think at 28 your window on adoption is closing? Plenty of people adopt at much older ages than that.

That aside there is nothing wrong with having a hard time being happy for pregnant friends. Many of us have had that feeling as we’ve struggled to start families. After 2.5 years of not preventing, and another year of actively trying we were thrilled to get pregnant….only to have multiple losses. In that time I became the crappiest friend. Aside from 2-3 girlfriends I shut myself off from everyone. I didn’t answer texts, sent calls to voicemails, wouldn’t hang out with anyone. I was just depressed and upset and no one within my friend group understood. They’d all have fairly easy times getting (and staying!) pregnant. I would have friends text me saying “what have I don’t to offend you, why won’t you reply”. I just ignored it all. I just couldn’t deal with it. Eventually you have to get to a place where you learn to live with the hand you’re dealt.

If you find yourself really really struggling with it I’d seek out counseling.

Post # 3
Member
7905 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’m sorry you’re not able to bear children. Like PP, I also don’t understand how adoption is not an option at your age. There are plenty of people older than that who adopt. Even if you don’t adopt, there are other ways to build a family. 

I would try to focus my efforts on other pursuits to avoid getting too down on the pregnancies in your social circle. 

Post # 4
Member
4811 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Adoption, surrogacy, there are still many options for you. Please don’t give up, life is long and you’re still so very young. 

Post # 5
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee

I recommend finding a support group for infertile peoplen. While this website has a “no kids” section, that’s not the support you will appreciate, as it’s for people who chose to not have children.

Are you on Reddit?

There are several support communities for infertile men and women on Reddit, I’m part of one myself. Wherever you are on the infertility road, there’s a support group for it! I’ve listed them in the order I think they will be helpful to you:

 

 

Reddit InfertilitySucks sub:

The one place where you don’t have to pretend like everything is ok. You can get mad here, you can get sad here. You can swear as much as you like! It’s for those of us who don’t want the “puppies and rainbows”. You are welcome here regardless of where you are on your infertility journey, thus please keep in mind that pregnancies and children may be mentioned and/or discussed.

 

Reddit IFadoption:

This is a sub for anyone who finds themselves at the crossroads of infertility and adoption. We welcome people who are considering adoption, however hesitantly or fleetingly, instead of ART treatment or as a backup option, as well as those who’ve already begun or completed the adoption process.

This sub is a safe place to air and get support for all the feelings that come up around this decision, including but not limited to: grief, resentment, fear, and anger, as well as excitement, joy, and hope.

 

Reddit IFchildfree:

We are a community for those who have struggled with infertility or are childless by other circumstance and have made the decision to live childfree. This includes:

  • those who have decided to quit/not pursue fertility treatments
  • those who have decided to quit/not pursue adoption or fostering
  • anyone who cares about the above people
  • anyone who is interested in this lifestyle.

 

Reddit infertility sub

We’re here for women and men dealing with primary or secondary infertility, pregnancy loss, and/or trouble conceiving. This is the place to go when it feels like everyone is pregnant, except you.

 

Reddit maleinfertility:

This is a place for all people interested in issues relating to male infertility.

 

Reddit childfree:

Discussion and links of interest to childfree individuals. “Childfree” refers to those who do not have and do not ever want children (whether biological, adopted, or otherwise).

 

Reddit Adoption:

welcomes all members of the adoption triad: adoptive families, birth families, and adoptees.

If you are:

  • considering adopting a child
  • considering surrendering a child
  • searching for your biological family
  • seeking a copy of your original birth certificate
  • involved in access-to-records activism
  • struggling with issues related to being a transracial or transnational adoptee
  • affected by any adoption-related issue

This sub is a great place to share news stories, self-posts, and support.

Post # 6
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Please don’t feel guilty. This is an entirely normal feeling when you’re dealing with infertility. You want to be happy for people, but constantly seeing them splash in your face the fact that they have the one thing you want more than anything – it’s just hard and it’s 100% human to struggle with that.

I hope you’re wrong about your window closing on adoption! There’s no age limit for adopting – I know people that have done it in their 50s. So I really hope that can work out for you, if that’s the route you decide to go.

 

Post # 7
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I second the advice to look for support groups for infertility. There are SO many blogs out there dealing with this, and plenty of forums for people dealing with infertility. During one of its incarnations (believe ownership has traded hands multiple times) The Bump had an entire subforum dedicated to infertility, with extremely strict rules over what was allowed to be posted (for example, well meaning people saying things like, don’t stress out, it’ll happen! were weeded out immediately), and was generally considered a pretty safe spot to vent about the feelings you’ve just described. You’re not an awful person, and what you’ve posted is totally understandable.

Post # 8
Member
1255 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018 - The Venue, Barkisland, UK

I can’t offer any advice, but I’m sorry that you’re in this situation Bee *hugs*

Post # 9
Member
2487 posts
Buzzing bee

I had a “hopeless” fertility history, and went on to have to healthy live births. I never gave up on theimage of holding a baby in my arms, and calling him or her mine.

If you are comfortable doing so, continue research into ALL the ways of parenting a child. 

I had experiences during my struggle with infertility that were excruciating. I had a student at one time who was a prostitute, and she had the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. Another time I entered the house of a friend and found a box of prenatal vitamins on her DR table. Even worse was when dear friends grew afraid to tell me, since I was the only one who “couldn’t”.

I found that the best thing for me was to FORCE myself to vicariously absorb the happiness of others. This again was based on the fact that I REFUSED emotionally to allow myself to think that I’d be childless.

There is NOTHING  “horrible” about those of us who have experienced the feelings that you feel now. Be good to yourself. You have many sisters in sorrow, and also many. Sisters in joy. Hugs and warm thoughts.

Post # 10
Member
46 posts
Newbee

Well I don’t know where everyone is from here but people talk about adoption like it’s so easy? In Australia is almost IMPOSSIBLE to adopt. And I truly mean that, there was only 200 adoptions in Australia in 2016. Surrogacy is near impossible as well, you cannot pay a surrogate at ALL, in any way. Basically the only way to adopt a child in Australia is if you have an extremely large amount of money and can go overseas. Or have a friend or family member who has already had children to agree to be a surrogate, and also have an extremely large amount of cash to pay for IVF and the pregnancy costs. If you’re infertile in Australia and don’t have a lot of money youre fucked (pardon my language). So people suggesting it like anyone can just go to the shop and get a baby kind of annoys the hell out of me! 

 

Anyway OP, im so sorry this has happened to you in your life. I truly hope you find peace somehow with this. It’s completely normal to feel what you’re feeling and you don’t need to change it at all. 

Post # 11
Member
2568 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

Please don’t give up! I have multiple women in my family who were told they would never have children or their odds were very slim and they all have babies now. 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think this is one of those instances where you get a pass on being jealous. It’s a huge life issue that comes up a lot. 

Post # 12
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You’re not a horrible person and I think that your feelings are entirely normal. It will probably be helpful to seek counseling so that you can ward off the isolation/depression cycle if you think it might come to that. 

Post # 13
Member
2139 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

sarathemermaid :  Hi bee! Don’t take this the wrong way but when you tell a woman struggling with infertility that ancedote about your family magically conceiving it actually doesn’t help. She maybe have an issue that you don’t know about. She is trying to come to grips with her inability to carry a child so telling her not to give up does not help her situation. 

OP you can feel any way you want to feel. Therapy and loving/understanding friends and family will help you through this process. *hugs*

Post # 14
Member
1102 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

My own mother was told she would likely never have children after she was in an awful car accident that crushed her pelvis. Yet here I am! And I have a younger brother. The kicker? She got pregnant within 1-2 months each time.

Sometimes doctors are wrong. You won’t know until you try. But, even if you can’t, at 28, your window for adoption isn’t nearly closed at all. I believe you have until 45 years old

 

Good luck bee!

Post # 15
Member
2568 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

somathemagical :  Sorry I didn’t mean to offend anyone. 

 

Sorry if my anedote didn’t help OP. I was just trying to be helpful. frown I hope you’re finding some good responses to help you through this. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors