Post # 1
Not really sure if I want advice or just a few kind words? I posted on here a while ago about how my dad was just not budging about his decision in wanting to be involved in my marriage to my fiance. I am indian and my fiance is non-indian. The problem now is that my dad is threatening to kick out any family member that wants to support me. Either that, or he is kicking me out. And it’s the latter that will happen.
I am freaking out and I am so stressed out. I’ve been in tears all day (I even had to go for a job interview this morning and slapped on a brave face for the duration). I feel like I don’t know what to do. I am losing the ground beneath my feet.
Post # 3
He is being a bully. I’m so sorry that he is trying to bully you into not marrying the man you have chosen, and I’m sorry that he is placing himself over you on the subject of your own marriage. I would marry the man you love, invite the people you want to spend it with, accept that many may decline because of your father’s bullying, plan accordingly, and be ready to make a new family with your husband.
Again, I am so sorry. People will excuse his terrible behavior as “Being traditional.” But it’s not. It’s being spiteful and mean, and it’s putting conditions on love.
Post # 4
OP, don’t let your father force his opinions on you – it’s your life, and more importantly it’s your marriage. Do what you want with it (whether he’s supporting you or not), because he doesn’t have to live your life – you do.
Good luck on your job interview, and I hope everything at home works out.
Post # 5
@K_J_A: Im so sorry you have to deal with someone so horrible, especially someone so close and at such an importnat time in your life. I suppose you can find solace that you will make a new family in your SO and his. No one can dictate love, and I just wish you all the strength in the world to get through this and marry the love of your life.
Post # 6
@K_J_A: Oh my goodness, I don’t even know what to say except offer as many virtual hugs as possible!
What your dad is doing is just cruel! So basically he’s making you choose between your family and your FI? Oh darling, that is just wrong!
But you know what? If you love your fiance and you know he’s the right man for you, grit your teeth and move out. If you don’t have a job yet, you’ll get one very soon – in the meantime it may get a little difficult but I’m sure your love is worth it. Right?
How long have you been together? Maybe your dad just needs time to get used to the idea of you marrying a non-Indian? Either way, stand up for yourself! If you don’t, nobody will. I know it’s ridiculously difficult but I’m positive you can do it.
Post # 7
I noticed in your last post, your fiance has not met your father. Do you think this contributes to the problem?
Post # 8
I am so sorry you are going through this, I had the same thing happen to me and I know how horrible it is to feel so alone and helpless.
Is there any chance you could move out? Thats what I did. Your father believes that since you are living at home he has full control over you and anything says goes. Once I did move out and my parents say that I was able to live on my own, pay my own bills and that I didnt NEED him, he definitely became more willing to give my boyfriend a chance.
Post # 9
OMG HOW HORRIBLE!!!!! I am SOOO sorry this is happening to you!!!!! Just like a poster said, if your man is a good man, (meaning your dad would like him as a person, if he just happened to be Indian) then stand by him! (And this is coming from a Nigerian american girl, where African parents are VERY headstrong as well, culturally). Are you the only daughter or the eldest child? Maybe that is another reason why. But either way, as scary as it is to defy or “dishonor” parents like ours, the best thing to do is to prove them wrong and make sure you live the best you can! (And watch, they will come around when the babies come!). Immigrant parents can be sooo annoying haha
So sorry girl!!! Please PLEASE update us!
Post # 10
he is being a bully and trying to force you and your family to do what he wants. thats not very supportive or nice, even at all. im sorry about your situation. If you are living at home, maybe you should think of leaving. once you are gone, your dad will miss you. he cant be bitter like this his whole life, it will eat him up inside. esp. once you guys start having kids. does he want his grandkids growing up knowing their grandpa doesnt even care to know them or their dad because they are not full indian? he is just spinning out of control because he cant control the situation. just give him space and time. its not easy but hopfully he will cool off and realize what he is saying/doing is wrong. your mom will really let him kick you out forever?? and her never see her own daughter or grandkids? thats pretty extream. hopfully the rest of your family will help him to see that he is being a dictator.
Post # 11
This is obviously a threat designed on getting you to break off your engagement before any wedding occurs. He’s doing this out of desperation and because it’s a tactic, sadly, that has been time tested throughout history. The only question is whether he’ll eventually come around.
Post # 12
@K_J_A: I’m so sorry that you are going through this, & I agree with PPs in that your father is being a bully & is being extremely cruel to you.
My fiance is actually going through something similar (if you care to read my previous posts about my FILs) – even though we are both Koreans!
His father told him multiple times that he has been disowned, and his mother is pretty much still emotionally torturing him by threatening/blackmailing him, and saying absolutely cruel stuff to him that no mother should.
But after almost two years of this, we are starting to believe that they are bluffing. No matter how many times they disown my fiance and threaten us about our marriage, in the end, they have been slowly bending our way (with a lot of yelling and swearing, but without any earthshaking consequences they always promise us that they would bring upon us).
I hope you stay strong and I hope your fiance stays strong in supporting you.
Sending you lots of hugs….
Post # 13
@weddingmaven: I 100% agree that it’s a “tactic”. My Future Mother-In-Law threw a lot of similar moves aas well, and when we started planning the wedding anyhow and mailed out our invitations, she came back with “I didn’t know you guys were engaged. Why aren’t you asking how many friends I want to invite?”