(Closed) being ready before he is

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017 - Wedgewood Tower Club

I’m so sorry you’re feeling melancholy. 

I was ready for engagement long before SO. It bothered me as well, but I knew that rushing him would only push him further away. So I stopped browsing the Bee, unfollowed some recently engaged friends on Facebook and Instagram, and started to look for all the little things I loved about my SO (cooking dinner together, cuddling on the couch watching tv, going for a Sunday drive).

Once I stopped dwelling on the subject and enjoying the relationship, I think that in of itself made him realize he wanted to get engaged!

If you think he might never be ready for what you’re looking for, it may be worthwhile to have a discussion with him and evaluate each of your priorities. 

Post # 3
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

How I've started to enjoy waiting.

He’s what I started doing to deal with it. 

Also, I spoke to him and he’s not ready purely for financial reasons, so maybe if you speak with him and understand why he’s not ready it may help. 

Post # 4
Member
36 posts
Newbee

I guess most of us get ready before our BFs. Actually, I noticed that my anxiety (crying, being jealous of FB engagement notifications, blaming my BF for not caring how bad I feel about him not proposing to me) reached its peak when I had some really stressful months. When they passed I became much more relaxed even with everything “engagement related”. So to me the hardest time waiting was when I had other problems. Now I am much more patient and I guess that it probably helps to my BF to become ready faster when he sees me happy again 🙂

Post # 5
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

I sort of thought hang on – I’m stressing over this, it’s making me irritable. Yes you marry somebody for both good and bad but really, would I want to marry me right now?

Don’t get me wrong I’m still impatient, but I’m not so much of a miserable cow about it 😉

He’s on his way there and I know now that he’s saving up so I feel quite good. It definitely helps to know why they aren’t ready, but it’s hard not to try and change that.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by BeeDD.
Post # 7
Member
271 posts
Helper bee

I’ve definitely struggled with this, I’ve been ready for over two years (together almost 4 1/2ish years and a 26 month old son) and he’s not there yet. I just keep trying to remind myself he’s worth waiting for… Some days are really hard  and I’ve some bad breakdowns. The best thing I’ve done is really spend some time focusing on myself to 1.) take care of me and my needs thus making me a happier person and 2.) it keeps me distracted.

Post # 8
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

Waiting was hard. We were together for 4.5 years, and at around two I started hinting. It made it more miserable that all family freinds would ask was when are we getting engaged. Fast forward to one year post wedding, and now I am thinking about TTC and he is NOT for a few more years. The waiting never ends it just changes! ha! But yes. Living in the “now” helps. Eventually he will realize it is “time” 🙂

Post # 10
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I definitely went through this issue. I was ready to start talking marriage and he was not. He was very happy in our relationship and didn’t understand why I felt a need to get married if we were already 100% committed and living together.  We eventually had a long talk about WHY I felt marriage was important to me.After that conversation, I settled into being happy with the great relationship I have and the knowledge that he knows how I feel about the situation and knew when he was ready to talk about marriage, we would. 

About 3 months after that conversation…he bought and ring and we’re waiting for it to arrive! It’s really hard to wait when you’re ready, but it’s possible. Sometimes a long heart-to-heart is so helpful!

Post # 12
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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miserableatbest:  Just to give you some perspective.

My Fiance and I have been together almost 9 years, and I’m the one who wasn’t ready for marriage. He was. Desperately. We had long drawn out conversations about why he wanted to be married, and why I wasn’t ready all the time. 

I wasn’t ready to be a wife and him constantly talking about marriage, weddings, and “spending our lives together” made me resent the idea of marriage. Horrible to say, but the truth.

Eventually he stopped talking about it, he completely dropped the subject and then I could focus on our relationship, being happy with being with him, without the pressure of being a wife one day. 

But if you take a step back, let the two of you enjoy your relationship without worrying about all of that, he might get to where you are a lot faster.

At least that’s what happen with us. He let it go, and our relationship was awesome and I realized “dammit I want to marry this man” all on my own.

 

Post # 14
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
miserableatbest:  Come join the SIUP if you want some extra support not talking about it with him. It can be SUPER difficult to get out of that pattern at first but we’ve all been there (myself included) and can help you through it.

Post # 15
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

View original reply
nicoalann:  Are you me??? but seriously though my bf and I went through the same thing on almost the same timeline (we’re also going on 9 years). The idea of being someone’s wife made me feel physically ill, and not because I didn’t love my bf or want to stay with him but because I was just not ready to be married.

miserableatbest I know it must be so hard to be ready before your partner. But I can tell you from the other side (lol hello from the other side) that no matter how many times you explain to him that it’s important to you, if he isn’t ready, he isn’t ready. I could not have made myself be ready to get engaged, and if I had forced myself, we honestly would probably have broken up because I don’t think I could have stomached wedding planning. It was so stressful for both of us because his opinion was “we’re already committed so how is being married any different” or my favorite “you must not want to marry me because part of you thinks you don’t want to be with me forever” even though we own a home and pets together, marriage is different and the idea of having a husband or being a wife was too much for me.

What I finally told him to get him to back off the marriage thing was that he could either be with me and unmarried, or he could leave and find someone that fit his timeframe. I told him I needed the time to get there and no amount of pressure or timeframe demands were going to help. So he finally stopped which took so much stress out of our relationship. Without realizing it, we had become resentful of each other because neither of us were being what the other needed. That was almost two years ago and I have finally come around to the idea of marriage. and plan for us to get engaged this February.

tl;dr you can’t make someone be ready no matter how ready you are. It really sucks, but trying to force the issue will only hurt your relationship. I feel like I am in the small minority here sometimes because I’m the partner that was dragging ass to get enagegeso I hope my long, long story helped you get a little insight into what your guy may be thinking.

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