Being single after a broken engagment while facing chance of never marrying

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

It sounds like you’re in a very challenging moment in your life right now.  In your other thread, some folks suggested therapy which sounds like a really good idea.  I’m sorry to hear about your broken engagement, but if this wasn’t someone who could support and stick with you through a tough health situation it doesn’t sound like he was a great choice for a life partner and you may have dodged a bullet. 

LOTS of people with health challenges, disabilities and/or amputations find life partners, marry and become parents. I know several such people — it’s not at all unusual! I know that there’s a lot of social pressure on women in the second half of their thirties to think that the “window is closing”, but life is long and you are entirely likely to find love again! Perhaps meeting other people living with amputations and/or recovering from cancer would be helpful, as it could give you examples of people who’ve faced similar challenges and are living full and satisfying lives, and perhaps you could find some mentorship in that area. And if pregancy ends up not being an option for you for various reasons, there are other paths to parenthood if that’s something that’s important to you.  

Don’t lose hope! This sounds like an incredibly tough time for you which anyone would find terribly difficult, but I bet good, happy things are in your future.  

Post # 3
Member
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I agree with PPs. I’m so sorry for he struggles you’ve overcome and are still overcoming. Life sucks sometimes and things don’t always happen when they should. It’s okay to be single and free, even though society sometimes seems to be pushing us to  partner up. I know you’re going through a lot right now, but things will get better. Have you ever listened to “Tomorrow will be kinder” by the secret sisters? I love that song.

I know you’re still recovering, but maybe a scheduled activity be helpful? I believe you can volunteer to be an online English teacher, or you can even do it as part time work if you would rather go that route.

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
2179 posts
Buzzing bee

vanessabau1 :  Hugs bee, I’m terribly sorry you are going through all of this. I also think you should get therapy, I’m doing TalkSpace and it has helped me so much. 

I will be 37 in April, and moved out of an abusive marriage in December. I need to try to save to file the divorce papers, and am trying to work on myself. Its definitely difficult when all the people I know are either in a comitted relationship, have kids, one or both of these. I also wonder how I will ever meet anyone who will see the good in me and I have begun resigning myself to the fact that I might never get pregnant. I definitely totally understand those thoughts, because I battle them everyday. 

I do mean battle them. I fight those fucking thoughts when they pop up, pardon my language. Its default for our brain to be negative because its easier (my therapist and I were just talking about this and there is some research backing this up) so we have to be able to recognize the negativity for what it is……an easy way for our brain to pass the time — NOT FACTS! We can stop those thoughts and replace them with healthier ones. “I’ll never meet anyone who will see my beauty” can become “I will meet someone who won’t be able to look away from my beauty” 

See how much nicer the second thought is for yourself? Self love & compassion is very important in all of this as well. Please see professional help and know that you are worth this. Hugs!

Post # 6
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

vanessabau1 :  there probably are men out there who don’t want to date an amputee, but plenty who will.  Think of it as an extra filter that will weed out the most superficial and closed-minded members of the dating pool (other than the ones who fetishize amputees… which is totally a thing and something many amputees find super annoying). You’ve just been through a huge, horrible thing that has understandably shaken your sense of self and identity, but with time you will heal and I hope start to see yourself again as a sexy, interesting, super-datable person! Your experience with cancer and amptutation could open you up to whole new social possibilities and worlds you never knew about.  Maybe you’ll meet a cute guy at physical therapy or in a hospital waiting room or through a parasports group.  Maybe you’ll become a stepmom to some great kids!  You never know.  There are so many possibilities.  Huge sympathies for you in this tough moment though.  And you’re totally allowed to feel secretly jealous and bitter about your half sister’s wedding as long as you don’t take it out on her 🙂

Our society tends to make super ableist assumptions about dating, to the point that I know multiple young, attractive people with disabilities whose doctors never, ever ask them about their sexual health  and are shocked when they’re asked for an STD test. That’s BS. You’re new to your disability so you probably hadn’t ever really had to think about this before, but I assure you many many people who use wheelchairs or are missing limbs or are blind or whatever are getting it on and/or falling in love every day! 

Post # 7
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

vanessabau1 :  The men you’d write you off because you’re an amputee are shallow buttheads and not worth your time or worthy of a relationship with you.

With how good prosthetics are these days, a lower leg amputation hardly makes you disabled.  A family friend of ours lost her lower leg to cancer as a teenager.  She walks around just fine and if she wears long pants and closed toe shoes, you cannot tell that she’s missing a leg from her gait or anything.  Most of the time though, she wears shorts and doesn’t bother with any casing for her prosthetic – she’s open about it and gives no fucks.  She also had no issues dating or finding a marriage, and raised a lovely daughter.

This guy designs awesome custom casing for prosthetics:  https://www.wired.com/2010/12/bespoke-designs-makes-beautiful-custom-prosthetic-legs/

From this thread and your other thread, I think that at this point, your barrier to finding a man isn’t your missing leg, it’s your depressingly negative and woeful outlook and attitude.  Please consider seeing a mental health professional.

Post # 10
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Baby girl – it is time to step out of your pity party bath and pull yourself up.  Have you been through a LOT ….YES YOU HAVE!!  .. but if you look around you will find others who have been there and even worse.  There is nothing more attractive to a good man than a strong independent woman.  You can choose to be an over comer and press forward with your recovery, with your own life’s journey and carve out new wonderful adventures OR you can stay right where you are sad and depressed.  If you do the first – can you even imagine what a light you can be in such a dark world.  Can you imagine the number of women you can help who are going through what you are going thru…. and only someone who has been thru it can help others in that special way!

Many women think their worlds have come to an end because that one guy walked away – only to keep walking forward to realize what was down the road waiting for them was a million times better.

hugs… you can do this..

Post # 12
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

vanessabau1 :  One interesting thing about prosthetics is that when they try to look like a real human leg, they look more “off” than a prosthetic that is obviously a prosthetic.  It’s a phenomenon called the uncanny valley, where the more human-like something tries to be while still not being perfectly human/natural, the more disturbing/off we find it.  What the designer in the article is doing is just not trying to cross the uncanny valley at all.  The response to his prosthetic designs have been very positive.  The difference is in others’ reactions: with the stylized prosthetic, the reaction is, “oh hey that guy has a sweet AF prosthetic!”, but with the human-like leg in the uncanny valley, it’s “something is weird about that guy’s leg… oh, I guess it’s a prosthetic”.

And yeah, there’s always long pants/skirts too if that’s not your thing!

Post # 13
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

vanessabau1 :  good girl!!!  I just want to encourage you.

Post # 14
Member
2077 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I just wanted to say that I know many women (yes, many) who have gone on to have children after chemo and radiation. Some of them have been in their late 30’s and early to mid 40’s. One of my best friends has had 3 post-cancer babies. Don’t assume that your treatments have damaged your reproductive organs to the degree that you cannot have children. And also, please don’t assume that your cancer history precludes you from adopting. It does not. Again, I know several women who have adopted after cancer with no problem. My Fiance and I are thinking about it. I have a cancer history, but I am not anticipating any problems. Just know that your options are not closed if and when you are ready to persue them.

Post # 15
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I just want to say my heart really goes out to you- life throws us all curveballs, but some are just SO hard, so crazy, and can feel deeply unfair. And, this is all still so recent! You’ve just come out of  a year of cancer treatment and an amputation (only weeks ago).  I agree with PPs on this thread and your other thread that you should seek counseling ASAP, although I completely understand why you would want to just wallow in it for a bit and grieve over everything you’ve been through. But you did say you’re feeling more depressed everyday, so now is the time to act. I can’t imagine that you’ll regret starting therapy (though if you wait, you may regret that and wish you had started sooner)

Side note, have you heard of the movie Rust and Bone?  It’s about a woman who loses her legs in an accident and how she rebuilds her life. 

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