(Closed) Being the breadwinner sucks

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think that this is something to really ponder before moving forward, like say toward marriage, in your relationship.  It is a personal choice and agreement in your relationship about who, if anyone, is going to be the breadwinner.

I have always known that I would most likely be at least on equal financial footing with my future spouse even before meeting my Fiance. I’ve always been independent and ambitious so making my own money is very important to me. I actually enjoy having the responsibility because I have confidence in my ability to succeed and do well.

I have a clear careerpath that I am and will work hard to stay on. My Fiance currently makes almost (about $4k less annually) as I do. However, his position does not have a lot of growth opportunity (nor is he interested in it) but he’s willing to stay in it until I am in a position professionally for him to start his own business. We’ll probably never be equal in income but in effort and commitment to our future, we’ll always be on equal footing.

Make sure that you speak honestly with your SO about his goals and think hard on whether your doubts in him financially truly overcome your love and commitment to each other.

Post # 18
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I hope I don’t get flamed for this. I’m only responding to OP and not to any previous posters…..

 

 

 

 

 

I realize logically that women are more likely to have a higher education and higher income than the men in America, And that basically times have changed. That being said, I am from an old school mentality where I truly believe that men WANT a beautiful woman, and women WANT a provider (by which of course I mean emotionally, sexually, and most impotantly financially) so that women can spend more time home being with their children. (and work, I will be a teacher myself. But I have a higher desire to be the primary caretaker than my SO does. He would rather focus on his business and provide) 

 

 

 

plenty of modern couples dont want children, and so I feel like in those situatons whoever makes more, matters less. (I do realize there are couples out there with children where the mother makes more and will post now and tell me how happy they are) 

 

 

 

OP: I agree with you. You are not wrong. You are not a gold digger. You want a more traditional role as a wife, and frankly I want the same. 

 

Post # 19
Member
2490 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

My fiance makes around $60,000 more a year than I do and honestly, I would be pretty upset if he thought that it sucks and resented me for it

Post # 20
Member
292 posts
Helper bee

@Reign14:  I REALLY feel you on this one. I make nearly double what SO makes and it’s usually fine but we took a couple vacations this year that we were supposed to split and I ended up footing the bill almost entirely. I don’t really have any advice, I just keep hoping that all of the changes he’s been making will result in a promotion soonish so we’ll be on a more even playing field. Just wanted to let you know I feel your pain. 

Post # 21
Member
1467 posts
Bumble bee

@Reign14:  how do you guys currently divide living expense ect? I’m assuming its not. 50/50. Do you pay more like a 70/30 split? Or do you pay for everything? Curious.

Post # 23
Member
1004 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
@ArizonaGirl:  Not a flame, but would just like to point out that OP did not say she desires to be a Stay-At-Home Mom in the future or would want to work less to be with future children.

All she has said is that she wants her SO to contribute more, they both like expensive things and vacations, and that she dislikes knowing that when they spend money on their preferred lifestyle, she foots most of the bill.

She also said something about not wanting to always be the one working hard.

I was actually going to write a much more sympathetic response, on the assumption she was looking for security to start a traditional family… then I re-read her post.

I agree that she needs to seriously evaluate her relationship if money is that important to her, and she feels like her Fiance is taking advantage of her by living an expensive lifestyle while not contributing significantly to the costs that come with it, and is not great at managing money. I might rub me the wrong way if my Fiance made much less, but was the one constantly suggesting, planning, asking to go on the trips, etc. and I felt he just wanted to spend my money. That is only for OP to judge, since she knows his character, and we dont.

However, it seems that OP is putting money first in her relationship, and to me that is unfair to her Fiance (assuming he is not taking advantage of her, loves her, and simply does not have the same career drive/ambition that she does).

 

In any case, if the OP and her Fiance do not have the same attitude toward money, career, and managing expenses, they should talk about it sooner rather than later. Arguing over money in marriage is not good. Perhaps he thinks she is fine with the situation as is, since they obviously are not struggling to cover expenses, save some, and also have spending money. Perhaps he does not even realize she is not happy supporting him.

 

Just to throw it out there, how ridiculous would this post sound if it was written by a guy about his female FI? It really bothers me that a lot of women think less of a man if they make more than him. Also, why can’t the guy be the stay-at-home parent for the kids? I know for a fact my Fiance would make a great Stay-At-Home Dad, and I would be a terrible Stay-At-Home Mom (I will always work at least part time, it is just what I need to do!). /end feminist rant

Post # 24
Member
634 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Reign14:  Personally I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t make the same or more than me. I contribute this to bad past experiences but it is something I now feel strongly about.

Post # 26
Member
2552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
@Reign14:  don’t make “men bla bla” and “women bla bla” statements, because they are simply not true. i make WAY more than my husband, and it will always be this way. his job has a cap and mine doesn’t. and we are fine with that, and I truly do not care who pays for what. it may be your case, but don’t make it about how men and women are. that’s a cop out. this is about you and your fiance specifically.

Post # 27
Member
3208 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

View original reply
@Reign14:  I think your feelings are valid and possibly a product of your upbringing, but if you are looking to be taken care of, your Fiance is probably not the right mate for you. I’m currently in professional school, and while my FH makes a decent living, I know that my career will forever be more lucrative than his. That means that I may take a few months of mat leave, and he will fill out the rest of the allotted time, and this is okay. You know why? Because we’re a TEAM and money isn’t a blip on my radar when it comes to my love. As long as he is happy and fulfilled, I’m happy. 

If anything, I’m appalled by the immense responsibility and stress men must feel needing to be the breadwinner. When my FH was laid off and I was the breadwinner, I felt relieved to prove that I could provide for our family. I didn’t feel resentment because I knew he was doing his very best.

If a traditional marriage that confines to gender roles is what you’re after, I don’t understand why you didn’t make this clear early in your relationship. Based on the info you shared, i feel for your Fiance.

Post # 29
Member
4027 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
@julies1949:  +1

I make almost twice what my Fiance makes. He is a teacher and I do marketing at a school. use has never bothered me, though I know it has bothered him a little. In the end it is OUR money though. We don’t let it come between us.

Post # 30
Member
1376 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

One thing to ponder: There are many jobs that are extremely valuable and nessecary for society to function that don’t pay very well. Social work and teaching would be some examples. Personally I’d much rather marry a teacher pulling in 35 grand per year and know that I was with someone who was making a positive difference in kid’s lives, than I would marry someone who was raking in the big bucks on Wall Street. But if you are traditional enough that you believe that men shouldn’t do “helper” jobs I guess we are approaching the issue from a totally different perspective. I just wanted to stick us nonprofit/social services/teaching peeps-lots of $$$$ does not mean someone is automatically more successful and hardworking than others.

Post # 31
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

View original reply
@Reign14:  Not all women want to be taken care of and not all women have a problem being the one that makes more. If you want to have kids and stay at home later in life then I don’t see anything wrong with planning for it. Instead of lifes luxuries, try living simplier and saving more. 

It sounds though like you and your SO aren’t a good fit. It doesn’t sound like he will ever be able to make equal or more than what you do and I don’t think you can accept that. 

 

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