(Closed) Being the breadwinner sucks

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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@squishee:  +1

 

I also question their roles in the relationship. And if OP feels secure and provided for by BF aside from her being the breadwinner

Post # 50
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

I couldn’t date someone who earned drastically less than me. It’s a total deal breaker to me. If I were to marry, it would have to be to someone earning a similar amount to me, give or take a little. 

Like most people, I work enough to earn the money I need to live the lifestyle I want. So for that to continue to be true with a partner in the picture, they’d have to be earning the same as I was. To have a partner who earns vastly less than you necessarily means cutting down or downgrading things, simply because you’re supporting their half as well. I wouldn’t be happy with that- if I wanted to go out less, go to less nice restaurants or buy lower quality stuff, I’d work less. I wouldn’t be happy working the same hours but still having to limit myself financially because of my partner.

I don’t know what to suggest here though, because to me this seems like something that should have been a make-or-break issue at the beginning, beore you fell in love. I guess I’m just posting to say I don’t think you’re a bitch to find this an issue

Post # 52
Member
2552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@Reign14:  yes, I must be in denial. My husband and I are not happy. If I was as illuminated as you are, I’d resent my husband as you resent your fiance. I must be really stupid.

Post # 53
Member
11735 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you both work, you both contribute to the household chores regardless of if one makes more than the other. If he isn’t working, the majority of his focus should be on finding a job – job hunting is a full time job in and of itself. But you guys need to find a balance that works for you. The only way to do that is to communicate with each other about it.

 

 

 

You should have dated people who were established in their careers already if you were that concerned about $ in a partner. Though, in this economy there is no guarantee. 

 

I guess I Just don’t understand the mentality that you want to be provided for but you don’t want to provide for your SO. It’s a ridiculous double standard. 

 

Post # 54
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

No you are not wrong for feeling that way. ALL of us have ideas of how we picture our lives with someone is going to be. When reality doesn’t fit our concept/what we wanted then its dissapponting.

I think you should just take time to expresss to him you feelings so that you dont build resentment. However I dont have advice for how to do that successfully, and i know men hate being “nagged”. Which is not what you are doing, but its how he could interpret it.

Sorry for the typos i am on my iphone

Post # 56
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@BlondeMissMolly:  +1000

 

I’m unsure you are ready for marriage if you aren’t okay with working hard so that someone else can be happy and comfortable. That is what being in a relationship and a family is about. Not everyone who works hard in a family is making their contribution financially. I think you need to re-evaluate what you expect from marriage.

Post # 58
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@Reign14:  Have you said this to him?? Communicated that you need him to do more at home? 

I realize that in your opinion, most men are not capable of doing more at home but I think that most men are a product of society and have never been held to that expectation.

I would start making that expectation of my Fiance if I was in your situation. Or find another guy who can “take care of you”. However, this will be harder than you think because many times you’ll be trading some important compatibility aspects of a relationship for a man who makes “enough” money, whatever that means…

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Post # 59
Member
1004 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@Reign14:  Just wondering, do you think it would be okay for a man to resent his female Fiance, if she was in the same position as your guy? In other words, do you feel that a woman should be expected to contribute as equally as possible in terms of $$$, or do you think it’s okay for women to take care of the house, kids, etc. instead of helping “bring home the bacon”? I think I could see your POV better if you are in favor of partners earning roughly equal amounts, and splitting costs, and both helping raise a family, rather than expecting a man to always earn more as a matter of “pride”.

 

I don’t think resenting your partner for not making more money is ever okay, unless they are really being lazy, unmotivated, and are unwilling to work hard. Hard work does not always mean earning big $$$. Like someone else said, some of society’s most important jobs are not well-paid (teaching is the most obvious example).So, if you really resent your partner for this, you should not marry him!

 

So, now I see why you are confused. You said you have never met a guy as great, caring, loving as yours who also made the kind of money you wish your guy could earn. They have all been more selfish, arrogant, controlling, or whatever. So, they have the strong, ambitious personalities that tend to get them farther in high-paying careers, but you would not want to marry those men because you find the relationship lacking. You are starting to realize that you might not be able to find both of those things in the same guy?

If you really love your guy, and how he cares for you is worth it, you may have to make the sacrifice of not feeling “taken care of” monetarily by your spouse, or the extra financial security that a partner who is very career-driven offers.

Also, it seems that your guy may be a bit younger than you (or took longer to complete undergrad). Taking that into consideration, is it not normal that since you got started in a career path earlier, you are set to be making more than him unless he gets lucky and lands a dream job early in his career? You can’t really hold that against him, especially since finding a job has been much harder for everyone in the past few years.

Post # 60
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I suppose I look at it differently because I do not view separate incomes as “his” money and “her” money.  Once you are married it is “our” money.

While I make significantly more than my DH (slightly under 3x more) and regardless of how the money found its way into our bank account it is our bank account and our money.  So I’m not paying for things and he’s not paying for things because WE are paying for things.  Once everything is in the general pot, there it goes.  We both have our own personal fun money, but it is not based on our income.  It is completely equal.  Then we have our together fun money for eating out and such.

That said, it is so important to be on the same page in terms of our financial goals and have found compromises that work for both of you.  DH is more of a ‘spender’ personality and I am more of a ‘saver.’  We both balance each other out and keep us from being too miserly or too free with money.

I seriously worry about the long term results of viewing finances as “mine” vs “yours” because that leads to inequality as though one partner is better or worth more than the other.

If this is an issue of ambition or lack of drive, then that is one thing.  You mention he’s struggling to find a good-paying job that he likes and you will know better than us he’s working hard but not catching  a break or if he isn’t interested in the work and is just floating by.

I suppose I break most things down to the question: are they reactive or proactive?  I would never be happy with someone who is reactive because they will not be in command of their own lives, merely responding to outside circumstances, people, etc.

So no, I don’t thing that being the breadwinner sucks (working sucks… I’d love to retire, lol, but that’s another issue), but based on some of your comments, I don’t know if that is your main concern.

Post # 61
Member
2552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@Reign14:  you’re sharing your personal situation (what you want and what you feel about your husband) like it was the same for all men and women, and you’re the one saying that whoever doesn’t agree with you is in denial.

i’ve shared my POV, but i’ll repeat it:

this is about individuals, not about men or women. the fact that it happens to you doesn’t mean that it happens to everyone.

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