(Closed) Being the breadwinner sucks

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 77
Member
4027 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
@Reign14:  Whoa, I get that the whole “women want to be taken care of” is your opinion and perspective, but I wholeheartedly disagree. As I mentioned in  my previous post, I make way more than my Fi and always will. We are both fine with it and secure in our relationship. I am fiercely independent and self motivated, so I don’t need or want to be “taken care of.” I want to enjoy life WITH my Fiance, and that is what we are doing. Our incomes may be disproportionate, but we are both contributing to building our lives together.

 

I get that you view the world in terms of traditional gender roles, which is why you are having this problem. Either you will need to break free from that mindset or break up with your SO. I do not believe in traditional gender roles, but rather equitable relationship roles. So understand some of what your saying, but I think you are still being close minded about it.

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 78
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
@Reign14:  The problem I am facing is that now that I find myself doing all of the female role (no kids yet, but I already know how that will pan out) AND the breadwinner role too. Meanwhile he is not really working outside or fixing much, and not really helping with the cooking and cleaning (a little but not as much as me). And his income is negligible, especially given that his bills pretty much cancel it out. So there’s a bit of an imbalance. If people don’t get how this can be frustrating, then I’m done explaining.

Ok this is quite different than how your OP made it sound. Your OP made it sound like you just want to be “taken care of” but now this is sounding like your issue is that he is perhaps lazy or unmotivated? And also doesn’t do 50% of the work at home? Because I can totally understand being frustrated with that. Have you tried to talk about his lack of effort around the house? Maybe he doesn’t realize you feel this way–ie if he grew up in a very “traditional” household and believes the woman should do all domestic duties, and doesn’t realize that’s totally unfair? It doesn’t like your issue is not with the dollar amount, but his attitude and lack of work ethic. 

Post # 79
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

View original reply
@BlondeMissMolly:  Ditto!  

 

OP, the initial post made it seem like he DOES have a job where he earns an income – and it was just that you were unhappy with it.  Now…it seems that he doesn’t?  I think that’s a completely different issue than just having disproportionate income.  Like I said, I’ve been in the position where I made more than DH, but he was always working and working to improve his job.  He just happened to be in positions where it wasn’t feasible to make more than me.

As it stands now, our pay is pretty equal and we both pitch in around the house fairly equitably.  If he was sitting around doing nothing, then yes, I’d have a problem with it.  We’ve actually talked, though, that if I reach a certain position within our field, he would have zero problem staying home with the kids (his idea, not mine! and one that I’m totally okay with).

Post # 80
Member
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
@Reign14:  I see nothing wrong with your view on this. I feel you have been… attacked (for lack of a better term) because you complained about being the breadwinner and most of the women that are the primary income earners have worked very hard to be in that position. I suspect most of the women that stopped to read your post are in breadwinner positions and were less likely to have the traditional roles you seem to desire.

Now Fiance and I don’t have the most traditional of roles. Right now he is the main breadwinner while I’m finishing up school but with the level and direction of education we both have, chances are I will make more than double what Fiance will when he is gainfully employed in his field (which he isn’t right now). But I’m ok with it. Fiance doesn’t pull in a lot of extra money but he has done a great job with investing for the future. I will make sure we live well during our working years and he will make sure we live well when we are ready to retire. As of right now the plan is actually to just live off of my income and invest all of his for retirement and college funds.

This also works for me because Fi wants to be Mr. Mom and I have no desire for that role. When we have children I can focus on providing for our family while I know he is taking kid related tasks. And if something goes wrong… I do trust Fiance to step up and take care of me and our future family. And it sounds to me that you just want to know that your Fiance can take care of you if that is what you need. I would not be with my Fiance if I didn’t feel I could trust him to step up. Stability is one of the most important things to me in life.

That said. Love is not enough. Love has never been enough. If this is your deal breaker that’s fine. You need to do what is best for you. But please do make the decision before anymore planning occurs.

Post # 81
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
@Reign14:  OK, first off, I just want to add my support to you. Yes, the world has changed, but no, traditional gender roles have not (and I am pretty sure will never) completely disappeared. It is in no way crazy to feel like he needs to pull more weight.  It isn’t just about money, it’s about effort and drive.

Here’s the thing, you can make 75% of the money, but he needs to take care of 75% of everything else. Currently, it sounds like you are taking care of 75% of the income, AND 75% of the housekeeping. That’s not ok. You are worried you might feel resentful in marriage – I am here to tell you that you will, beyond a shadow of a doubt.

You wondered if you would feel differently if he were more proactive and did more housework. I’m pretty sure you would. If he stepped in and did a bang-up job on the chores, cooking, etc., though he might not make as much money, you would see the effort and appreciate it. Though he might not bring home the bacon, that would still show he is the head of the household. So, either he needs to start being a lot more driven in his work life, or a lot more driven in his home life, or the two of you are just not going to have a happy marriage – not when you feel the way about marital roles that you do.

You mentioned how people always recommend counsiling on here. I am pretty certain most of the time that is because readers see a couple who is clearly bad at communicating with each other, and they know counsiling forces open communication. That’s exactly the deal here. You need to talk to him in depth about this. It is only fair to him. If you don’t, it will spew out at some point in marriage, and he will be totally blindsided by your pent up frustration and resentment, and feel the irreversable sting of how little you respect him. So please, talk to him now – it’s only fair to you both.

Again, your feelings are perfectly legitimate, but the next step now is to work them out with him, not let them fester.

Post # 82
Member
3467 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Reign14:  I just wanted to come show some love. I’ve been following this thread since yesterday and really identified with the title. You’re being flamed, in my opinion, because you most likely misstated your problem in the beginning.

From reading your subsequent posts, it seems that money isn’t the issue at all, but it’s support. You–like MOST women, I really don’t care about others saying that this isn’t true–want to feel supported and taken care of. From a finances/goods perspective this is a traditional role and IMO, it’s not a coincidence. I believe that’s how God created men and women with different strengths and different inclinations regarding our roles in the family. That’s why the Bible insists that a man provide for his family and a woman nurture her family. I think it’s how we’re wired. That said, in the absence of the financial aspect, there are certainly other ways in which your fiance could fulfill your feminine need to be protected and supported (you cited fixing things around the house and yardwork). It just seems…that he’s not doing any of those either.  Probably you feel like the knowledge that you are supporting him should automatically motivate him to do more to “earn his keep” around the house. So viewing it through your female lens, he seems less committed to the success of your household than you’d like. And possibly you feel like his approach is less loving (because wouldn’t a man who truly loves me want to SHOW it by taking care of me?). I get that. 

I suspect that you wouldn’t have any problem bringing in most (or even all) of the income if you felt that he was contributing to the household in a meaningful way. This is why when men complain about resenting being the breadwinner they’re always judged: because usually their wives ARE contributing by cooking, cleaning, caring for children, etc. If you have to go out and endure all the pressure of playing his [biblically traditional] role and then come home and play YOUR role as well, gosh, that would wear anyone out. And fast. 

I would encourage you to take money out of the equation for a moment and focus on what each of you bring to the table in terms of love, commitment, support, spirituality, nurturing, drive, talent and so on. And see whether it appears that your fiance is lacking those things as well. If not, then you’ll need to reprogram your (very common) view of money and realize that it’s only money and not an indicator of your respective value in the family. If it turns out that he IS lacking those things, well…most likely he isn’t the right partner for you.

Post # 83
Member
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Reign14:  I just want to chime in and say that I wouldn’t be happy in your situation either! I expect my fiancé to make at least a living wage. 

My FH makes twice as much as me but I still make a decent salary so I know he doesn’t resent me. He is just very lucky and well compensated. 

Post # 85
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Hmmm I’m torn on this issue, especially after voicing my opinion on other sex based threads recently. I feel a bit like the feminist movement has thrown a spanner in the works. I agree that women should be equal and able to break the traditional mold but I also think that after centuries of men being the provider and protector it’s hard to break. Men have always made more money until recently so its often inherent for women to want them to continue in this role. Women having equality has happened pretty damn quickly in the grand scheme of things so I’m not surprised this is an issue. 

To be honest, I think it’s often less about the money and more about the natural ability for a man to provide for his family. Not having this ability is a very unattractive trait in a partner. 

Post # 86
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Even though you make more, does your Fiance at least contribute a fair amount?  Monetarily & otherwise?   ….  If so, is that not enough?

My Fiance makes twice as much as I do at the moment..    When we added the monthly expenses up, we decided he will pay 2/3 while I pay 1/3.    Before I moved in/we got engaged, he payed it all anyways… so while I don’t contribute half, it is more than nothing. 

Plus, I try to do the majority of the housework to pull more weight.   I do almost all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.     We both treat each other to dates and special treats regularly.    I hope he doesn’t feel the way you do, just because I don’t make as much.     He seems content so I’d have to hope all is well.

Post # 87
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

View original reply
@arabbel:  +100

OP, I just wanted to add some support, I felt everything you are feeling and then some.  I have always been the breadwinner in over the 5 years my DH and I have been together.  I have dealt with laziness and stubborness and financial turmoil. I told my DH in all honesty that I was harboring some resentment, the open conversations really helped and currently we talk about finances on a weekly if not daily basis which helps tremendously.  Wedding planning magnifies all of these feelings, I’m assuming starting a family will do the same, so IMO you are doing the right thing by having concerns before this commitment.  IMO it will be a difficult life if you do not have similar goals.  Like with anything, it’s hard for others to judge/advise when they have never been in the situation.  Your feelings are your own and you will need to figure out what is best for you, hope you have found some good things you can take away from the PPs.

Post # 88
Member
463 posts
Helper bee

Being the breadwinner is GREAT, sorry you don’t see it that way. When you’re the breadwinner, you don’t have to limit yourself to guys who will make your life easier or more comfortable, you can pick one who will make you a better person – in terms of love, happiness, virtue, personal development, etc.

It sounds like your Fiance supports himself like an adult, so if that’s not enough for you, then PLEASE don’t try to use bigoted gender stereotypes to shame him into it, just find someone else who’s more in line with your desires!

Post # 89
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I feel like the issue here is more about you feeling that he is lazy/not settled in his career… If he had the same spotty work history but was well paid would you still feel this way?

If my DH made less than me but worked hard, I would just feel like we might need to adjust our lifestyle (eg. move somewhere cheaper etc.) if I stayed home with a child for a while or something. 

Post # 89
Member
8 posts
Newbee

View original reply
Reign14 :  OMG, I’m in the same boat, how did this work out?

Post # 90
Member
10599 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
maystaurus :  This thread is many years old. Its likely the poster is no longer around. I would open your own thread for advice.

The topic ‘Being the breadwinner sucks’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors