Post # 1
I’m in a wedding in August(a month before my own) and my friend is trying to keep dress costs low, which is appreciated.. However I’m plus size, and the only plus size member of her bridal party and I live in a different state and she seems to forget this regularly. First she wanted this dress from JCP, and I told her that it didnt come in my size, she was shocked. She refuses to go to Davids Bridal because she says they’re too expensive. I have access to a Plus size shop – and shes mentioned before the possibility of us all having different dresses, So I went and found one I’d be comfortable in. She keeps blowing it off.
I find out she’s going shopping soon to look for a dress at JCP, DEB, or Burlington Coat Factory. Once again, I’ve told her I live in a different state, those stores here may not have the same dress you pick, and I don’t think I can fit anything in those stores.
I’ve said on numerous occasions that I feel like I’m the cause of her stress – the fact that she cant find a dress that everyone can fit.. and I’ve told her itd be easier on her, If i stepped out. because It’s not a good feeling to feel like you’re the reason this is all happening. She’s not once said no to those statements.. yet she won’t let me pull out.
I really don’t know what I should do. I’m already down on myself because of my weight and this is just a constant reminder – and someone whose been my friend for like 10 years – I dont get why she has to be reminded of these things like everytime we talk.
Post # 3
Have you thought of doing some research yourself to find a dress that comes in regular and plus sizes and send that info to the bride to see if there`s anything she likes- she could then share that info with the other girls.
Post # 4
It amazes me how many “skinny” friends don’t take into consideration size differences in their bridal party. My four girls range from 2 to 24, and because I’m plus size, I made the decision early on that the girls would be purchasing dresses from Alfred Angelo; I did end up paying 50% on two of the girls’ dresses because I knew they were out of their budget ($170). But those deposits were baked into my budget because I knew I was going to go to a store that offered a full range of dresses and options that all of my girls could fit in…and not one of them have had a complaint or feel uncomfortable in their dress.
I think when it comes to bridal parties, you have to be realistic. I’ve been to many weddings where I feel horrible for one or two of the BMs because they look so uncomfortable in their dress. But, I also think you have to have struggled with not being able to wear what everyone else wears to understand this. I ended up dropping out of one wedding several years ago because I could not pull off the dress they were wearing, and the bride was going for a certain look. A few other PS girls did wear the dress in the wedding, and I’m sorry to say some people at the wedding thought it would be fun to make sport of them.
My best suggestion is to let them pick out dresses and then see if you can come to a compromise and pick a dress that is a similar style, color, and fabric.
Post # 5
I think that some individuals who are not plus sized really do not understand the limitations plus-sized women face in purchasing clothes, especially dresses. It’s incredibly difficult. I am now plus sized as well as on the short size (but not really short enough to be petite), and I have a very challenging time finding dresses that fit me properly.
Even when friends understand that you wear a larger size, they still may not really understand what that means. Many years ago, I witnessed two of my friends having a misunderstanding over plus-sized clothing. A thinner friend always told a plus-sized friend about the fact that Talbot’s had sizes 18 and 20, but my plus-sized friend was forever having to explain to the thinner friend that the plus-sized friend wore WOMEN’S sizes, not MISSES sizes. Of course, Talbot’s eventually launched a women’s line, and it does offer those women’s sizes, but, at the time, my plus-sized friend was continually frustrated that the other friend didn’t understand women’s-clothing sizing issues.
At least if your friend were open to selecting dresses from a store (such as David’s) that carried dresses in all sizes, including petite and plus sized, you would not have this issue. However, from what you say, she has not really been open to this idea.
At this point, I think you’ve done all that you can possibly do. You’ve accepted the honor of being in her wedding. You’ve explained the situation on multiple occasions. You’ve offered to wear a different dress or to help research options that would come in a variety of sizes. If she selects a dress that is not available in your size, there are only two choices: either she allows you to wear something else, or you both agree that you can not be in the wedding. I certainly hope that it does not come to the latter, but, even if it does, it sounds as if you have already offered to step down, and she (thankfully!) has not accepted that offer.
I hope all turns out well for you!
Post # 6
Have you thought of or suggested Dress Barn/Dress Barn Woman? They are our BFF because our MoH’s live in OK, VA and we’re in MD, but we can order the dresses online and our maids can go in and figure out what size they are. They also come with fabulous coupons (30% off every couple weeks) and the clearance section can be worthwhile. The best part is that many of the dresses come in both plus size and misses, so no one loses.
If a resolution can’t be worked out than as a PP suggested, you’ll have to agree that you wear a different gown or that you should not be a part of the bridal party (not the optimal choice, obviously).
Post # 7
@julies1949 Yes, the dress I found that I could wear comes in all sizes.. but it “costs too much” Its like 130.. she’s trying to find a dress that costs like 20-50 dollars. I’ve explained to her, either way she goes I am going to have to spend more because they charge more for more fabric! I’ve told her that I’m fine with spending money on a dress because 1. you should expect to when you take on the role as a bridesmaid. 2. she’s in my wedding.
I’ve agreed to wear a different dress.. I’ve even LOOKED and FOUND one that I’d be comfortable in. She wants short dresses, they don’t flatter me at all.. and I found one that I’d be okay with and she never makes a comment about it.. so Im thinking she doesnt like it.
I’m getting married in September, and I made sure I chose a dress that would look good on all figures.. AND gave the option to my girls to possibly just pick all different dress and they didn’t want to do that..
It’s all very discouraging. I appreciate the advice, and understanding because its just so frustrating.
I’ve decided Im not going to ask about the dress anymore, and if I cant fit it, then I cant fit it. her wedding is in 4 months, she’s going to make it impossible for me to get a dress anyways if I have to order it.
Post # 8
I was in this same exact situation 10 years ago. My friend just couldn’t seem to understand why I felt (and looked) uncomfortable in the dress that all her skinny BMs were wearing. It looked HORRIBLE on me and cost me $200 more than the other girls due to the “plus size” they had to order and all the damn alterations. My “friend” didn’t get it back then either and rather than hurt her feelings I wore the dress and now have to look at horrible pics of myself on FB and stuff. Do yourself (and your friend) an favor and just back out now.
Sorry if that’s harsh but believe me when I say I’ve been there and the bride is NEVER going to see things your way when she has a number of skinny girls that fit her “vision”. I’m still bitter about that whole situation. 🙁
Post # 9
She said “I’m about to just let everyone pick their own black dress” Well why wouldnt you do that at this point! You said you were okay with different dresses and then its a completely different story.
Post # 10
My bridesmaids would be very hard to fit normally, and we’re all broke students, so I suggested I make convertible (infinity) dresses for all of them. Two are plus sized 20-24 and the other isn’t but is 6’2″…I’m hoping the fabric will be under $40 each dress and I will make them the length they want and they can wrap them however they want. We’ve decided on a colour together that will flatter all of them. Pitty all brides don’t do something like this. (see http://sewlikemymom.com/little-red-infinity-dress-tutorial/ though I’ll be making 2 half circles so I can make a longer skirt)
And yeah, thin people don’t get it. Lion and I were going to go shopping for clothes together (willingly…I love this man!) but I got frustrated whenever he was like “over here!” um, sweetie, that won’t fit. *sigh* He doesn’t get the whole “I’m a plus size girl and I have to shop in completely different stores or sections from other girls” thing, which I guess is sweet. He was also dissapointed and confused when I said no to Victoria Secret, hunny, they don’t sell 34H, I have to go to a specialty store…
Post # 11
Aww, sorry, hon. Don’t let it get you down on yourself! She’s the one complicating things, not you. And honestly she’s being awful to let you feel like it’s your fault. Has she actually looked at David’s Bridal? They have a whole section of Bridesmaid or Best Man gowns under $100.
I do know how you feel, though. Years ago, my friend chose me as her Maid/Matron of Honor (because the other girls were slackers, not because we were really that close, so I was already a little bitter) and I was in the same situation. She didn’t want to go to David’s Bridal, we struck out at the department stores because of me, and finally decided we should get our dresses made. Ugh.. they turned out terrible. By the end of it, we were all referring to them as “the pink nightmare”. I guess on the bright side we all looked awful together? It didn’t stop at the dress, either. She wanted us all to have these Guess shoes that didn’t fit my wide feet (or even come in my size), so I felt like I ruined that for her.
I think I’d just lay it down – either you all get your own black dresses, all pick something from DB that comes in every size, or you’re out. Not to insult your friend, but she’s being bratty and could use a reality check.
I want to see your dresses!!
Post # 12
I have been in 4 weddings and I was always the only plus sized girl. It does make the situation difficult for you and like your friend mine were all skinny and seemed to pick the worst style and fabric for me but I just shut my mouth and did what they asked even though I looked like a whale.
Like alot of the other suggestion I say see what stores are avaliable in both states that offer plus size and see if she can find something there..Good luck!! Hang in there and stay positive!!
Post # 13
I’ll squeak in and say that although I think the best option would probably be finding a more affordable dress at a place like David’s Bridal or letting everyone get their own little black dress, Deb DOES have plus sized formalwear. I almost bought a formal maxi dress for a function from there! Not sure how their sizes compare to normal plus sizes, since they are juniors, but it might be possible for you to look at the sizing chart online and see if that would work for you.
I guess the other hitch there, though, is whether or not they have the same dress in both regular and plus sizes…
Post # 14
I’m so sorry this situation is making you feel bad. I obviously only know what you put in the post, but it sounds like she’s trying to compensate for another Bridesmaid or Best Man being really strapped for cash. Which is an honorable thing to do. It sounds like this bride is trying to make things work, it just isn’t going so well. I think that you’re right that she doesn’t know that tricks of the trade for buying plus sized, and if she isn’t plus sized why would she know that? So I would definately offer adivse about stores where all the BMs could potentially get a dress. And I agree with the PP, she may not know how cheap some of the David’s dresses are. So good luck! It sounds like the bride is trying, just not quite succeeding with pleasing everyone.
Post # 15
I would suck it up and wear the dress, if she’d pick a dress that actually came in my size.. and I think its great shes trying to find a dress on a budget, I’m not against that.. I just feel like I’m the reason her search is hard because I am the only plus size gal in the mix.. and i’m not trying to be finicky.. but i know me and I know I’m not gonna be able to fit into Deb or anything.
I’m just gonna let her do her thing and If im unable to fit the dress, then I’ll tell her and face the music at that time.
Post # 16
@Cheeks923: Hey I totally get this feeling. I’ve never had it happen to me before but I am a plus size gal too and have gone through issues like this. Friends tell me this certain dress on so and so is fantastic and my color or w/e and I can’t get it b/c the plus size version doesn’t exist.
Just a side note though… DEB does have dresses that have plus size alternatives. Though it might require you to purchase them online instead!
regular : http://www.debshops.com/lace-corset-satin-halter-party-dress/1000032721,default,pd.html?cgid=1089
plus size : http://www.debshops.com/plus-size-lace-corset-satin-halter-party-dress/1000032839,default,pd.html?cgid=1152
as well as…
regular : http://www.debshops.com/sequin-cascade-mesh-high-low-tendril-dress/1000032716,default,pd.html?cgid=1089
plus size : http://www.debshops.com/plus-size-sequin-high-low-floral-party-dress/1000032836,default,pd.html?cgid=1152
and just between you and me.. I actually like the looks of both of the plus size ones I posted better! There’s a couple more hiding in there. If she’s really wants you in the wedding party she needs to compromise. Even if it’s her wedding.. why would she want you to be uncomfortable.. and why would you want to be. You know? Hope this helped!