- 7 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
I’ve posted once before under this name, about personal issues with Fiance, and I guess this covers that as well as other things.
I have serious, serious trust issues. I have always had them, even going as far back as when I was little. It seems to be in my nature to constantly question everyone’s motives, down to the tiniest gesture. I question this in my own family and my closest friends.
Fiance has been unemployed for quite some time, and I was discussing it with a friend. She suggested he go to bartending school. I made a comment about preferring him to not have a job that involved constantly being surrounded by drunk chicks, and my friend immediately started lecturing me about how I need to trust him not to do anything stupid and if I don’t trust him then I should just leave him now. Fiance is well aware of my trust issues, and while it bothers him, he doesn’t see it as a reason to break up.
I know that my distrust of him is partly based on my own insecurities. He is definitely far more attractive than I am. I was 70 pounds heavier when we started dating, and the reaction from even our closest friends was absolute shock and surprise. That’s something that’s hung over me from the get go. Plus, looking at his exes, or hearing comments he made about girls prior to us dating haven’t been much help.
If there is one thing that I have never been insecure about, it is my personality, so, I guess it’s not as satisfactory to have someone love me for that, as to have someone love my looks. I know I have an awesome personality. I’m the life of pretty much every party, and the one most commonly remembered for things I’ve said or done. I spent most of my child hood being told I was ugly, and I spent most of my teenage years dealing with some sort of eating disorder.
The kind of girls Fiance was with before me, including the love of his life, were all a far cry from anything I am, or could ever be. And there were so many in the same circle of friends that it’s hard to even have a conversation with someone without having to hear about one of them. I’m constantly getting figuratively slapped in the face with reminders. One of his exes (the love of his life) has even said on more than one occasion that she can have him back whenever she wants to. And I kind of believe her. They were on and off from his Freshman year of high school until shortly before he and I became friends, so almost 10 years. She ran off and married someone else, then left him, and she and Fiance started dating again, then Fiance moved to California for work, and when he came back, he was living with her. One night, he got really drunk and “played in traffic” as he calls it, and she told him they should take a break until he cleaned up a bit.
He started going to AA immediately. However, she (being of the rather slutty type) had taken up with someone else, right away. He and I became friends around this time (we had known each other for years, but never been more than acquaintances). He would never blatantly discuss her, but she always came up as the ex he would do anything for. Once or twice he said certain songs made him think of her, like “The Reason” by Hoobastank, or “I Miss You” by Incubus. One night, we went out for coffee and he ended up going on this tirade about how he loved her, and he would always love her, but they would never work, he would just have to bury the feelings. Keep in mind, this whole time, I am practically head over heels in love with him, so hearing this is like being stabbed in the heart repeatedly.
Fast foward 7 months, he and I are dating and living together. I don’t remember how the conversation started, but I ended up saying something about not thinking he was over his ex, and he FREAKED OUT. He started yelling about how he’d been in love with her and she’d been part of his life since he was 15, and how could I expect him to just let her go so quickly. I tried to move out, but he wouldn’t let me, and he said he didn’t think it was a good reason to break up, because he didn’t want to be with her, he wanted to be with me. I tried to let it go, but it has stuck with me ever since. I asked him a couple of weeks later if he still had feelings for her, but he said he didn’t.
I think he only said that to avoid another fight. We have a close friend who has broken up with her girlfriend several times in the last couple of years, and they have also been involved on and off since freshman year of high school. Listening to them talk about it, I have keyed in on a few things that he has said to her about it that make me feel that he isn’t over his ex, and that he settled for me.
He always tells our friend that she needs to get to the point where she “is OK” with not being with her ex, even though she feels that that is her soul mate. To me being ok with something means that you are basically forcing yourself to pretend you are, and that it’s not really the ideal choice or situation.
There are days when I am just overwhelmed by my fear of her, or the fear that I will never be as good as her. Ever since finding out I was pregnant, I have compared the changes to my body to the fact that she looks as if she never had a child (she has 1), whereas this is my first, and I look like I’m on my third. I am literally covered in stretch marks; chest, stomach, legs (thighs, knees, etc) , shoulders, arms. He claims not to, but I know he has a thing for blondes, and she is one. He said I won’t look good as a blonde. She has a flat stomach, I have been overweight since I was 17. We got into a fight once last year where he told me he preferred flat stomachs.
I don’t think I’ll ever measure up. I’m not beautiful. I’m not pretty. I definitely do not have a pretty face.
I sometimes feel that maybe my friend is right and I should rethink the relationship because I don’t think it’s possible for me to ever feel loved or wanted. Whenever it comes up, Fiance gets angry and asks why I can’t just believe he thinks I’m beautiful, and when I bring up things he has said in the past, he gets mad at me for using the things he says when he is angry against him, or things that he said before we were together.
I don’t know that I’ll ever believe fully that he really wants me, but I think my only alternative for life in general is to just be alone. I wouldn’t have to worry about being good enough then, because I would have no one to impress.
I’m sure I sound insane.