(Closed) Being told to rethink relationship

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think that you both need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk. I don’t think it’s healthy for you to always put yourself down and it’s not fair for you that he is hung up on his ex while engaged and expecting a child with you.  You should be his priority. If you let yourself have self esteem issues, you will only make things worst for yourself, your Fi and your baby. You should try to do things that makes you feel good about yourself.

I used to have self esteem issues and in some ways I still do..just not the extent as before….  Prior to meeting him, I always felt like the ugly duckling. I had two ex prior to meeting my husband, but I always felt they were better without me (i.e. I wasn’t good enough for them).  I would get intensely jealous for no reasons and would go crazy if they didn’t call me when they said they would (i would start calling them non stop until I got a hold of them).  It was really bizarre and something I don’t know why I did..perhaps it was their “actions” that made me feel as though I needed to do so..or I was just crazy.  Either way, neither of those relationships lasted.  I went three years without a relationship after those two and it was the best years.  I was able to focus on my career, saved money and bought a house. I was doing things I wanted to do and doing them for me.  I grew independence and somehow that made me feel better about myself.  I started dating again and went back to that same pattern..but this time I cut myself away before I could get serious..that’s when I met my husband.  He was different..he treated me like a queen..and even though he worked as a model and actor (and had tons of hot actress/model friends), he never once made me feel inadequate. In fact, he has always made me his priority and would drop everything and anything to be with me. For that reasons, I could trust him.  We joked about him going back to modeling and being in company of all these gorgeous women and in honest truth, I wouldn’t mind it..because he worships me and I know that whoever he’s with, his heart and thought is always with me.

 

Post # 19
Member
7286 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Your not insane and your not stupid. A zillion therpaists can tell you or listen to a million things, but only YOU can make the decision to change your mind and think differently about things. Habbits can be broken.

Also , perhaps some medications ( not sure if you take any) would help you as well to get things started.

Post # 20
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Well, sounds like you have two options: accept what the man who’s asked you to spend the rest if his life with says (he thinks you’re beautiful, he wants you, not her, etc), and ignore that stupid bitch running her mouth ( the ex, not your friend). That involves actively getting over your own problems with yourself. Or you can break up with him because of what you think he’s thinking and his previous statements that have made you uncomfortable. Either way is acceptable but something’s gotta give.

Post # 21
Member
3216 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

View original reply
@MrsWrangler: Totally agree. 

If there weren’t a child involved, I would have left him.  I’m confident in myself and I think I’m pretty hot somedays, but I would never want to be with a guy who wasn’t over someone from his past, no matter how happy he made me or how many compliments he gave me.  It’s perfectly acceptable to not want to be second best or to want someone to give you their whole heart.  From everything you’ve described, I don’t think any relationship is worth all this mess and you’re worth more than being with someone who’s pining over someone else. 

However, you’re pregnant. And honestly, I have no idea what you should do with that. 

Post # 22
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@bookworm88: Yeah, im just having a hard time disentangling how he really feels vs. what her insecurity is coloring. If he is in fact not over ex and OP is his second choice, she certainly deserves better, a man who will give her his whole heart. Until she can face her feelings about herself I don’t know how to work that out. But yeah, I didn’t even think about the baby, she will never be totally rid of him because of their child,so that’s definitely something she will need to think about too.

ETA: just read the previous post about OP and her FI’s stressful situation re: intimacy, her previous counseling, long-term living situation, etc. I now totally agree that I’d walk out due to those problems+this, but I’m still not sure how that would tie in with raising their baby.

Post # 23
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I am sorry you are struggling with your self esteem. I have in the past struggled with mine. And if you are pregnant now that plays a huge part of it. My gf used to make sure to really do her makeup and do little things like wear earings and try her best to “dress up” to make herself feel better. I am just trying to suggest you do what you know makes you feel better.

Post # 24
Member
3216 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

View original reply
@MrsWrangler: I think you’re right that she should stay with him if it’s just insecurity.  Sometimes it’s hard to accept the love we’re given, and if the Fiance genuinely is all-in and the OP is projecting, then it’s not worth leaving the relationship. 

Either way, OP, you need to find a way to love yourself.  Separate from your relationships/friendships and all these acquaintances from your perceptions of yourself and learn to love who you are.  Take up some hobbies, find yourself, and find a way to be comfortable. It will be a lot easier to accept love when you love yourself.

Post # 25
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@bookworm88: Your second paragraph said it beautifully :). Although re: my earlier opinion, after reading her PP, I think it’s more than just her insecurity… I think he’s very insecure too. Shame that he can’t see it and refuses to think of counseling/outside guidance,

Post # 26
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

I’m sorry you are going through this.  Are you religious at all or spiritual?  If you are religious, I would consider going to your pastor, rabbi, etc.  If you are spiritual, there is nothing more that helps me get my thoughts together more than being in nature.  Do you live in a pretty area? Can you get away for the weekend just you (like rent a cabin) and think things through?  I agree with other posters that if it is just your insecurities, then that is something that needs to be worked through in therapy.  If your Fiance is making you feel “less than”, than you should think about your relationship and if it’s one you’d like to be in forever.  I wish the best for you.  There was a time I too did not feel like I deserved love.  Everyone deserves love and everyone deserves the type of love that brings out the best in you. You are worth it.

Post # 27
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
@imataloss: I wish I could just give you a hug! You don’t sound insane, but it does sound like there are a few separate problems here. There’s the issue of your fiance’s possible hang-up over his ex and there’s the issue of your self-esteem. As others have mentioned, I can’t tell what’s fact and what’s colored by your insecurity, but the absolute bottom line is that you need to learn to love yourself. Period. Once you learn to love and respect yourself, to believe that you are beautiful in your own way and just as worthy as anyone else (regardless of how perfect their bodies may be), you will have a much clearer picture of how your fiance is treating you. Right now it is impossible to tell whether his ex is truly a threat to your relationship (and whether he feels that he is “settling” for you, in which case he would not be worthy of your love) or whether she was his first true love and he still has some “what ifs” around that relationship. If the latter, then you have to understand that almost everybody has someone in his/her past who he/she will, from time to time, remember having feelings for and start to wonder about. It is unrealistic and unhealthy to expect to be the ONLY person your significant other will EVER be attracted to, especially when you derive so much of your self-worth from how exclusive you view your sig other’s love to be. You will drive yourself crazy if you expect your fiance to only ever find you attractive. Successful relationships are based on communication and a stable, true emotional bond, not that knock-me-over-the-head-love-at-first-sight nonsense. Those aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive, but don’t discount the depth of the connection that you and your fiance have just because you suspect he thinks blondes are hot and you’re a brunette. That does both you AND your fiance a disservice. I know you say you don’t have much money, but can you do any pre-wedding counseling from a local church or something? Also, there may be some pay-what-you-can therapists in your town/city. Look around. And good luck!

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