(Closed) Being with someone who has a child

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Would you have a serious relationship with someone who has children?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 32
    Member
    364 posts
    Helper bee

    I don’t know if I could. My mom married my dad when he already had 3 kids from his first marriage. It was hell for her for several years when they were teenagers. I know that she contemplated leaving for a period of time. 

    When I think of my SO now, thinking if I had met him several years down the road when he already had kids with someone else, I say maybe. He’s going to be an amazing dad, and I think seeing that would really make me want to stick around. But seeing the ex around all the time would be so obnoxious and the lack of recognition would really bother me.

    I feel bad for my brother’s current girlfriend. I know that she is very into him, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they end up getting married in the next few years although they’ve only been together about half a year. But he has 2 kids from two previous relationships – one from high school and one from his first marriage. They are both mid-late 20s, so that’s a lot to take on when most people your age don’t even have one kid/ex in the mix. She seems good for him and the kids, but I’m sure it’s really tough.

    Post # 33
    Member
    429 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2018

    I think anyone that does it deserves a lot of credit, and hopefully gets that from their spouse. But for me, never again for lots of the reasons previously mentioned, not least of which is the ‘ex-factor’. And I would counsel any one of my friends against getting involved with a man with children from a previous relationship. 

     

    I agree with other posters who said as you get older it becomes more and more likely but hopefully by then you would have your own children from a previous relationship and I think it makes a BIG difference. I felt as a young child-less woman living with a man and his child that I was somewhat redundant and i just didn’t know how or where I fit into the picture. 

    Post # 34
    Member
    1466 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 1998

    I can see it as a possibility, but it’s almost certainly a negative for me. For what it’s worth, the kid’s age matters too – younger kids are going to accept a new girlfriend much more readily than, say, a teenager. I would be reticent to date someone in the latter situation.

    The mother matters too. Is she going to be supportive of us? I know I could be supportive of the mother, but that doesn’t mean she would be supportive of me as her ex’s partner and possibly the future stepmother of her kid. That sounds like a whole drama wagon I wouldn’t want any part in. Yes, it’d certainly be easier in some ways if the other biological parent was out-of-sight, out of mind. But that also poses other risks – if I get attached to his kids, then we break up, I’m leaving a mom-substitute-sized-hole in them. At least if we break up in other circumstances, they still have both parents.

    Then there’s the fact that at least until the kid’s an adult, there are going to be 3 people involved in the relationship.

    I’m happy that I went into my marriage child-free, and so did he. Though if I did date someone who had kids, I’d still be good to the kids – and maybe find myself in the same boat as OP: deeply in love with them.

    Post # 35
    Member
    807 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    I don’t want kids so I would never date someone who already had them. 

    Post # 36
    Member
    466 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    I say no,but I think that could potentially limit me in developing a relationship. I think about my younger sister who is basically a single mother and I want her to find someone and that would require them to accept a 6 year old that isn’t theirs. Nobody wants baby mama drama but I think its stupid to deny someone because they have a child.

    I will say that I’m happy I am not in that situation though.

    Post # 37
    Member
    53 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @KatB442:  Oh my goodness!  That is a heart wrenching story!  I’m so sorry that you had those experiences. I can’t imagine how difficult the accident was, and then to never be able to see his daughter again….Wow.  Just – wow.  I’m sure you were so attached to her and her to you as well. 

    I think I generally wouldn’t date a man who had a child already.  I’m not sure I want to have kids & I really wouldn’t want to deal with an Ex.  I knew a girl who started dating a guy whose one night stand got pregnant.  She was pregnant when my friend and the father-to-be started dating (that, to me, was the crazy part).  I talked to her about it later when the child was older and she seemed really happy about it – they are engaged. So, more power to her!  Her, her fiance and the kid’s mom seemed to get on pretty well.  It worked for them.

    I know another woman who became involved with a man with a daughter.  Their entire relationship became consumed with fighting for custody of the girl because the mom was unfit.  My friend put all of her money and resources into keeping the child & truly treated her like a daughter.  The daughter grew up to loath my friend (difficulty in accepting who her mom was/is? resenting the closeness of my friend and her husband (child’s dad)?  It was awful for her.  In the end, I think it destroyed the relationship and they eventually divorced. 

    I’ve seen it go both ways, and I can honestly say that I wouldn’t risk it.   

    Post # 38
    Member
    166 posts
    Blushing bee

    I could deal with anything, so I’m sure I could deal with it. However, I would never want to date a man with kids. I’d like us to both be having our first child together and going through the newness of it all together. This is very important to me. Maybe if I was older like 30+ I would consider it, but for now at my age I shouldn’t have to deal with that.

    Post # 39
    Member
    177 posts
    Blushing bee

    No. I could not and would not ever want to date/be with someone who had a kid outside of our relationship. For me, when I was dating DH I wanted to be his number one priority, and I wanted him to be mine. With a child you just cannot do that. Children should be the priority, as they are the only ones who didn’t get a say about the situation they were put in!

    I also would not want to deal with the biological mother, and I would always feel like I’d have to follow her’s and my SO’s rules, and would be unable to set my own, and that is not something I would be willing to sign up for.

    Even if there was no biological mom in the picture, I still wouldn’t do it, and it wouldn’t really make it easier (see point number one). Plus, I am no where ready to be a “mom” or “step-mom”, so any man with kids would have been off my radar. Nothing against people with kids, I’m just not the right match for someone with a kid. DH and I are CBC.

    Post # 40
    Member
    15 posts
    Newbee

    I had once dated a guy for four months,  he is a father of four kids.   Three of them had health issues.   I was getting connected with him and the kids, however the kids mother would ring the guy every day at various periods of the day and I felt a bit uncomfortable. 

    One time the mother of his kids came down for a birthday,  I never met her.   I think after a few incidents in the relationship I left him.  He was to much for me and even though I did adore his kids.   In the end I had to think what was best for me.

    Post # 41
    Member
    6375 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    I’m one of those people who likes to make things work. I get on well enough with my exes, am friends with DH’s exes, and try to be civilised.

    If DH had had a child with his ex, I am sure that we would have all got on just fine. She is a very nice lady, and I would happily go out for drinks and hang out with her. Completely incompatible with DH though… no clue how they got together in the first place. They’re fine as friends, but they must have driven each other mental.

    Anyway… that’s what adults do. They try to work things out, even if circumstances are not of their choosing. I should also point out that most of the women on the bee are young women. Easy for you to say “kids are a deal breaker”. What happens if tragedy strikes… you get divorced, or (even worse) widowed, and start looking for love in your 40s, 50s, or beyond? Will you still say “no kids”… even if you have them yourself? Even if you want more children but are too old to have them? Even if it severely limits your choices?

    What about if someone worries that kids will be a deal breaker, and doesn’t tell you right away, and you fall for them? Would you still leave?

    Life has an unusual way of sneaking up on you like that…

    Post # 42
    Member
    6375 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    @CookieCreamCakes:  “younger kids are going to accept a new girlfriend much more readily than, say, a teenager.”

    Not so sure about that, LOL! I think 6-13 would be the worst age group. Older kids are more accepting and more rational, in my experience. I was a teenager when my Dad started dating again after his divorce, so I remember!

    View original reply
    @KatB442:  This is one of the saddest things I have ever read on the bee. I’m so sorry.

    Post # 43
    Member
    774 posts
    Busy bee

    I would, but only if my partner was still in contact with their child. I could never be with someone who had abandoned their child. I think that would be a good indicator of what a person was like. 

    Post # 44
    Member
    1064 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

    @KatB442:  I am so sorry this happened to you, that must have been incredibly difficult on so many levels. You are one strong woman to have gotten through it!

    as for the original question, I don’t know. I used to think hell no but I’m not sure anymore. I love kids but I also see the difficulty if the mother is combative and still a huge presence. At the risk of sounding selfish, I also think it might be difficult for this potential SO to balance my needs and that of the child if they are in conflict (for example, time, money, etc). 

    Post # 45
    Member
    844 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Not a chance. The omnipresent ex is the main reason but I just don’t really like kids. 

    Post # 46
    Member
    5879 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Preferance…no I fear baby mama/ex wife drama. But the reality is most men in the dating pool have children. Im also in my early 40s so chances are unlikely that I’d find a man in my age range sans kid(s).

     

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