(Closed) Being with someone who has a child

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Would you have a serious relationship with someone who has children?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 47
    Member
    276 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2014 - Excalibur

    I  don’t want children,  never did… fiance has 2. I  still  wonder everyday how we are going to make this work. Fiance  doesn’t allow me to be a part of their lives but expects them to stay in my house as soon as we get married. I  know nothing about these kids,  how would I  take care of them?  And it would be me on my own as he works the weekends.

    @britt821:   wow,  are we the same person?!  that was even our original wedding date!

    Post # 48
    Member
    382 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    That was one of my only dealbreakers for my husband. At my age now, I would prefer not to be with a man with children. Like one pp said, baby mama drama is not for me. In 20 years that could change, but the guy would have to have grown or very nearly grown kids.

    Post # 49
    Member
    430 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @MrsBeck:  I don’t think any of what you said makes you selfish at all.  You know what you want and expect and I think that is better than having kids or getting into a relationship with someone with kids and then resenting them. 

    I have decided not to have kids and when people ask me why, I will often jokingly say because I am selfish.  I like my lifestyle and I like the freedom of not having kids.  Some people look at that as selfish but in all honesty, I don’t really believe it is selfish, it is just different.  And that is OK.  I look at my life and my past experiences and I know I am not selfish, I am one of the most giving, no strings attached giving, people I know.  I just no longer have to tolerance and patience it takes to raise a child.  But at least I know that and am making the best decision for me.  I was very lucky to meet my Fiance at 38, no kids and really didn’t want them.  It works for us.

    Post # 50
    Member
    430 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @Sweetjennygirl:  I’m sorry that you could see this happening in your situation if something happened to your SO. it is really too bad that there is not a way to legally protect step-parents from having this happen to them.  The children become a huge center of your life and it’s just a heart breaking outcome that I fear happens more than people realize.

    Post # 51
    Member
    430 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @Waitingbee57:  You are an amazing mother.  For you to put your son and his well being ahead of your own seems so simple, but there are so many mothers who do not and do not understand how much they are hurting their child.  Again, you are amazing.

    Post # 52
    Member
    2354 posts
    Buzzing bee

    No. I’m childfree by choice, therefore I don’t wish to be a mom or a stepmom. Maybe if I was older and I met someone who had teens or even better, young adults as kids, but he would not want any more kids, I would consider it. But it was clear to me that I would not date someone who had a child. We would have both wasted our time. 

    Post # 53
    Member
    430 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @GlitteryVegas:  I think dating a man with children is difficult in the best of circumstances and can go so wrong.  Maybe if I had never experienced this I would feel differently, but it’s not worth the drama, the heartache and the selflessness for the kind of outcome I experienced.  I’m glad to see that it’s working out for some of the PPs.  I know it can be a good experience, it was a wonderful experience for 4 years of my life but in the end, never again.

    Post # 54
    Member
    430 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @Rachel631:  I am in my 40s and managed to find my Fiance, who has no kids at age 38.  If something happend between us down the road, divorce or his death, I would be more willing to accept a man with children because at this point they would be grown adults.  They would no longer be the center of your life as grown children tend to have their own lives.  In my case I would not date a man with children younger than early to mid 20s.  And if that means I would be alone, that’s ok too.

    Post # 55
    Member
    6375 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    @KatB442:  “In my case I would not date a man with children younger than early to mid 20s.” Isn’t that a bit limited? Older teens can be great as well…

    I just find that a bit sad, I guess, but it’s not my life at the end of the day, so… good luck?

    Post # 56
    Member
    2592 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @freshflowers:  I dated this guy who has a son, thankfully the mom was not around. The father had full custody. The reason it wasn’t for me was his son called me mom, only once but it scared me because I knew I wouldn’t en up with this guy and I didn’t want his son to get hurt I loved his son very much but I didn’t want him to feel abandoned. So no I wouldn’t date a man with kids. I’m lucky that Fiance had no children expect now cause we’re 4 months pregnant.

    Post # 57
    Member
    430 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @Rachel631:  I’m not interested in a man with children and do not feel i would ever be interested in a man with children who are not grown. Sad to me is not knowing what one wants and/or settling.  I dated actively before i met my Fiance and managed to find many men in my age range that did not have children. Any standard or preference we set is “limiting”, but IMO part of being an adult is being able to define what you do and do not want and living a full life within those standards.  Being in a relationship that I would find less than fulfilling would be sad.  

    Post # 58
    Member
    306 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    @freshflowers:   A huge part of what makes being “step mom” so rewarding for me is how much it means to my Fiance to see me step up with his little girl. She is an extension of him and in order to fully love him, it includes loving her.

    I want to reach through the board and hug you for this!  Simply put, you can’t truly have one without the other.

    I think the answer to this question gets easier as you get older and/or have children yourself.  Fiance and I both have children from our previous marriages.   Though it’s not always easy, I love his three very much.   They are part of Fiance, who is truly the love of my life.    Is it fun dealing with his meddling ex-wife? Umm…no.  But I’m lucky because the kids have his kind heart and good values.  My son loves my Fiance and his future step-siblings tremendously, so in many ways, it’s been a win-win for everyone.   

    HOWEVER, if you had asked me this question at 25 my answer would have been “No”. I’m not sure I would have wanted  to take on someone else’s children before I’d even had my own.  It is a huge responsibility and having an “insta-family” can be very stressful on a new relationship.  I guess that now that I’m older and already a Mom, it’s just easier for me to extend the love I have for my son to my FI’s children.   All that being said, I made him wait three years to give me a ring because I was still a little panicky about taking on three more children! 

    Post # 59
    Member
    1072 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’d rather not, but who knows, right?

    Thankfully, SO and I both have not had kids.  But if I fell in love with a wonderful man and found out later that he had kids…well, I’d be really annoyed that he didn’t tell me up front, but I’d deal with it.  Having said that, if I met a guy, had good feelings, and he told me early on that he had kids…that might affect how I feel or, at the very least, the rate that I fall in love (if it gets to that point).

    Post # 60
    Member
    452 posts
    Helper bee
    Post # 61
    Member
    7813 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    @freshflowers:  No, I wouldn’t. I’m not even interested in the possibility so it wouldn’t even get to a first date. 

    The topic ‘Being with someone who has a child’ is closed to new replies.

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