(Closed) Being with someone who has a child

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Would you have a serious relationship with someone who has children?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 77
    Member
    2563 posts
    Sugar bee

    @freshflowers:  thank you, i am glad your agree.

    I understand sometimes it cant be helped – some people are just crazy lol. But yes i think it speaks to their character. I just know a lot of couples who have so much drama and its rarely about their kid, but they use them as a weapon.

    I also know a few people (my parents included) who just let go of the past. They still have their problems with eachother, but were always civil to eachother when it came to do with us kids. I never had to choose who I wanted at my graduation or making sure they were seated apart etc. I always really appreciated that.

    Plus, if i could tell you the drama i had to deal with in a previous relationship we would be here all night! lol

    I am glad that your SO chose the high road for his daughters sake 🙂

    Post # 78
    Member
    3518 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @freshflowers:  Not a chance. I love kids but I don’t want any, and you can’t really avoid a semi-parental role if things get serious, so I wouldn’t even want to open the door to that.

    Post # 79
    Member
    114 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    I am 4 months away from marrying my man and he has a daughter about to turn 3. she was 6 months old when we got together.

    I obviously knew they were a package deal when we got together, looking back I was a bit naive to just how big of a responsibility it is. I have always known i would be a mummy, i just never pictured being a step mummy first.  but i wouldnt have it any other way. I love her and will always treat her as if she was my own.  but the poster who said about the lack of recognition along the way hit the nail on the head, that part is often hard. 

    We have about 40% care of my partners daugher, so we see the ex all the time, and as her and my partner were together for a long time, she is still very much involved with his family too, which means she is at family events, birthdays, xmas etc.  

    At first it was very akward and at times, very hard for me to deal with.   It took a while to develop a relationship with his parents and brothers and sisters because often the time we spent with them (family events) was the time she would spend with them too.  so sometimes they felt they couldnt speak to me without offending her and vica verca.  My partner and I got engaged on xmas day last year and I couldnt help but feel a bit robbed of our big happy occasion as when we went to his parents, nobody wanted to make a big deal out of it in front of the ex 🙁

    Fast forward another year, everyone is over the akwardness and its great.  The ex and I get along really well and at the end of the day, it works out great for our daughter.  While a split family is often ‘normal’ these days, she has grown up not knowing things could be any different.  

    Also makes it easier to parent as it is often a joint decision between all of us on how to deal with situations, so its not one set of rules at mums, and another set of rules at dads. 

    I have friends with kids to other partners who have to do drop off/pick ups at mcdonalds car park because they dont want each other going into their homes and barely speak to each other. I cannot imagine how awful that is for the child!  

    For some reason, pepole often judge us on how well us and the ex all get along as a split family, but it works for us and that is all that matters.  And to be honest we are probably alot more stable than some non split families!  Our daughter will grow up knowing she can speak with any of us individually, or all of us together, and at special occasions and milestones in her life we will all be there to celebrate without her having to worry about us all being in the same room.

    I feel very sad for the poster who’s partner passed away and the ex would not let her have access to the child.  I cannot imagine not having my step daughter in my life now, I can only imagine how heartbreaking it would have been to esentially lose both. 

     

     

    Post # 80
    Member
    23 posts
    Newbee

    I did have a friends with benefits relationship with a guy who had kids.   I thought things might have developed more,  except he was saying things like “I don’t want to go on a date until my youngest is 12 so she can understand the concept of me dating.”

    “I don’t want people to think we are dating or get the wrong idea.”  or “I do enjoy your company and the sex,  please don’t think I am using you for sex.”  

    It went on for maybe six months,   his kids lived with him.

    The mother of his children.  Well for the first three months,  the guy kept refering to his ex as “My ex partner” and it wasn’t until I saw mail addressed to “Mrs Fuck Buddy” that it clicked he was actually married.

    I got told some sob story, that she cheated on him with some no good guy.   She left him to raise the kids so she could persue this new guy who lived 2 and a half hours away.     

    There was various other issues between us,  and during this state of confusion I was feeling, my ex (who is my partner) started to contact me. 

    Two weeks before I went back to my ex,  the dad posted on Facebook how he had feelings for someone and didn’t know what to do about.    I thought I give this guy a week to tell me how he felt.

    In the meanwhile my ex was telling me how he had time to think,  and he missed me and he wanted to give our relationship another go.   

    After much thinking, I went back to my ex.   I felt Dad lover was to over the top for me.  There was issues which clearly I didn’t want to be a part of.    It had nothing to do with him raising his kids. 

    I liked his kids, I thought they were great,  though I had concerns on his favouring one particluar child and not the rest. Which kind of pissed me off, but I had no say.

    Post # 81
    Member
    23 posts
    Newbee

    Now that I think about it,  the guy did seem alright on the surface but there was just something.   At the time we started our FWB relationship, I had just broken up with my ex who was having  issues. And I was seeking comfort else were. 

     

    Post # 82
    Member
    2010 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    If I’m perfectly honest, I doubt that, in my 20s, I’d have been overly delighted to be with a guy that had children. Mainly because I wasn’t ready to have my own children then! 

    By the time that DH and I first got together we had 5 teenage children between us (2 of mine, 3 of his) and our children simply came with the package, so to speak. I can truly say that I love my stepchildren and best of all, the 5 of them really love being stepbrothers and sisters. However, I also realise that this happy state of affairs didn’t come about by accident. 

    For starters, neither me or DH were involved in the break-up of our respective marriages. This made things much easier so far as exes were concerned. Also, while there were times when I got intensely irritated by his ex-wife’s occasional bouts of needy self-pity, her issue was with my DH, not with me and actually, we get on very well especially since this is all now long in the past.

    What DH and I did make sure to do was not act as surrogate parent to each other’s children. He did not attempt to replace their (admittedly somewhat hopeless) father, and I did not interfere with his parenting of his children. Neither did we force our relationship upon them so far as demanding that they loved each of us. As a result, we are the closest, extended family ever because love did, of course, grow between us all and is all the deeper because we allowed time for that growth.

    It’s never the easiest job in the world being a step-parent. But it helps if you step back from the things you can’t affect and learn to keep your own counsel over issues that won’t be helped if you rush in like an avenging angel. Also, some ground rules are absolutely necessary from the outset because it is very much harder to undo any damage. For starters, no matter how woeful the behaviour of an ex, you must remember that children will not willingly accept criticism of their own parent. So badmouthing has to be strictly off the agenda.

    It can work. It can be a beautiful relationship. But if you do have a partner with children you have to accept that they are part of the package. Nobody would blame anyone for wanting to avoid that commitment if they don’t feel ready or up for it.

     

    Post # 83
    Member
    34 posts
    Newbee

    @freshflowers:  Okay here’s my take on it. I would definitely date a dad–in fact, I prefer a dad over a childless dude–but that’s only because I have a child myself. I strongly believe parents should date other parents (they can relate to each other better), and childless people should stick to other childless partners. Before I had kids, I was adamant about wanting the guy to be childless. That was for many good reasons, but above all because I desperately wanted to have a baby of my own soon and I wanted my first to be the guy’s first too. I’ve found that many guys who are already saddled with child rearing responsibilities are NOT looking to rush into having another child,  especially if they’d suffered huge baby mama dramas after their first kid(s). When I was much younger I dated a guy who had a kid (but the kid didn’t live with him at all) and I regret it now because I got the bad from it but not the fun parts. I never got to meet his daughter, which made me look like a chump to others when they asked if I’d ever met her. Sorry but if you can’t meet his family and friends, then that’s a sign he doesn’t see being with you for the long term, and you’re essentially little more than a glorified FWB to him. The “bad” part was when he hyoothetically speculated that if I were to ever get pregnant by him, that he’d want me to get an abortion. It took 10 years for me to really formulate negative feelings and resentment towards this double standard. Yuck!

     

    . I didn’t want my kid to be second fiddle, or worry about baby mama drama,  or the possibility of him running back to his ex. Admittedly some of my reasons were selfish, but then again it’s my prerogative who I date lol. If my heart’s not into it, then it’s not for me.

    Post # 84
    Member
    231 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @freshflowers:  I said “no” because definitely right now it wouldn’t make sense since I am so young (21) and don’t wants kids now anyways.

    However, thinking forward, I still don’t think I could. I don’t want to insult anyone on here but I just couldn’t see myself raising someone elses child. Knowing myself, I know I wouldn’t be able to be a good mother figure because I don’t think I could love someone elses child if that makes sense. That is only the case if the mother was still alive and caring for the child of course. If I adopted a child then obviously I would love it because it would be “mine”. 

    Post # 85
    Member
    1568 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @KatB442:  Wow, that is a powerful story. Extremely heart wrenching but a learned lesson as well.

    Post # 86
    Member
    430 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @newbabybee: thank you for your understanding.    yes, it was a very difficult time in my life and truly changed how I look at relationships forever.  I completely respect people who are willing to take this type of chance but am baffled when they condem me for being unwilling to put myself even in a potential situation that could possibly result in a similar outcome.  I don’t think I could survive it a second time.  

    Post # 87
    Member
    30 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    @aliavenue:  could you send me that powerpoint? Hopefully it would help me as well as this post speaks to my exact situation as well…

    Post # 88
    Member
    115 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    I dated a man with kids just before I met my husband. Their mother and I got along very well, but in the end, it was my exhusband that caused issues for it to not work for us. I missed those boys a ton but life goes on. 

    My husband doesn’t have kids so he got the ‘girl with a couple kids’ and it works for us. My ex calmed down a ton once he realized my husband wasn’t going anywhere and my husband is an amazing step-dad to my girls. We will never have biological children but he considers my girls his anyway. It was a very different situation for him when we started dating but it can work out. Just takes some time

    Post # 89
    Member
    1219 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @Lala1234:  No problem! I can’t upload it here and I can’t send it as an attachment through weddingbee, so you’d have to message me an email address 🙂

    Post # 90
    Member
    354 posts
    Helper bee

    I feel too young to be a parent right now, even though some people my age are already parents. So not right now, but in the future I would be open to that possiblity.

    Post # 91
    Member
    2850 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @freshflowers:  

    I am childfree, so I wouldn’t get involved with someone who has children. I don’t want kids and there is no way I would want to be a stepmother. That is just too much baggage for me.

    I like to feel that I am an important priority in a relationship. I dated a man with a son. The kid was jealous of the attention his father was giving to their girlfriend, so he would conveniently need his father whenever we had plans. Children can be very manipulative. 

    One guy was a FATHER FIGURE (Not a bio dad) to a little girl. This didn’t stop him from constantly putting this little girl above me. She wasn’t even HIS! He constantly threw it in my face. “She comes first. Don’t make me choose because I will choose.” He kept repeating it every time I mentioned that the child was spoiled and rude.

    The last straw was Christmas that year. He bought that little girl many gifts and gave me a TEN DOLLAR DRUGSTORE BOOK for Christmas. Now that little girl has grown into a lazy young woman who has not even finished high school, rarely bathes and does hard drugs. I saw my ex on the subway one day and he actually apologized to me for putting her first all the time, as well as being too indulgent. 

    A dear friend of mine has two kids, with a man who already had two children. She is stressed out by her fiance’s rotten kids all the time. No thanks! 

     

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