- 8 years ago
Gosh this is a novel. (Sorry.) Maid/Matron of Honor A is flying from overseas on her cash-strapped budget, and is helping with the prep. She’s fantastic. Maid/Matron of Honor B is three hours away and is not fantastic. She’s my best friend. Or not? Shoot she was my bestie for half my life. I thought it was a no-brainer, but then again maybe I was on auto-pilot. Now nuptials are imminent and I’m having agonizing anxiety over what to do. A recent exchange with her (our first in months!) has left me cold and realizing (belatedly) that holy cheese batman, not only has she not helped with anything, we also haven’t spoken in months. Or much in a few years. Wait, then why did I choose her? I hadn’t even thought not to. I chose her because for over a decade we were attached at the hip. I was overseas, then came back, though a few hours away. We’ve never got our groove back, so to speak. We aren’t close now (revelation).
I was engaged six months past to a guy who really loves me for who I am. this still surprises me. I always thought I’d be the spinster with cats. Well, who knew? I have no sisters or close cousins, and my mother and I are not close. I’ve done this planning stuff on my own, though the local friend circle has been great with advice and ideas. Did I mention I’m paying? My lovely father offered, bless him, but he’s worked hard and needs to retire on schedule –not pay for extravagant things I don’t need.
I honestly am in the most tumultuous time of my life (which soon will subside!!), and didn’t come to this conclusion until just now. Some local friends offered to put together a b-ette party for me (I had figured I wouldn’t have one), so I invite the Maid/Matron of Honor. It’s in two and a half weeks. She tells me not only can she not go (that’s ok, short notice), that she had had no idea that I had assumed her to be on call for me, she was booked up until the wedding. I couldn’t just expect her to drop everything and just so I knew, because I hadn’t gotten my schedule straight with her, she had no intention of driving here until the morning of the wedding, and then would be driving straight home.
Wow. Yes I should have been better about planning things. I’ve been preoccupied. I took a second job, on top of the new full-timer I *just started*, working until midnight 4 days a week, and then half-days on weekends too. Feb/March practically didn’t exist; they are a blur. But I’m doing this, and I’m paying all on my own. Into April it’s catch-up time: Vendors don’t respond to your calls, salons are booked, flower shops aren’t open on weekends (say what?!). Got to shop around too. A wedding is a big enough to-do, but also, because after about 5 years of waiting, I am now almost a home-owner. Since living overseas it’s been my dream to have my own spot of earth. (I’m paying for that all on my own too.)
So I didn’t argue, just agreed that I was not considerate of her needs. I’m not blameless here, I should have been more on top of things. I can’t argue that I didn’t leave things until the last minute (especially compared to most brides out there!) But she knew when the wedding was. She has been in the bridal party for BOTH of her sisters’ weddings, she knows far better than I do what is involved! Should I feel like a jerk for asking her to rearrange her schedule and come down a day before and help? Because… I don’t. I’m floored by her reaction at this, which is not the first time I’ve asked her to come do anything. (She attended the shower in our hometown, but didn’t attend the one down here with my friends. Which I’m ok with.) This is indicative of quite a different relationship than I thought I had, quite a different priority level established in relation to my wedding day, and jeez, what’s she going to say during her speech???? Maybe I read way too much into this, and maybe she just overreacted and everythings just wonderful. But… I think subconsciously I knew we were grown apart? I regret my choice now. How often I’ve bemoaned to the future mister how she doesn’t call me. She doesn’t respond to my messages but rarely. I tried to include her in some details, but she mostly didn’t respond anyway. I didn’t notice how I’d become tired of calling her and not getting called back, or getting half-arsed responses about her life and her work, etc. (in five years I’ve not scored much more than “not much,” “nothing really,” etc.) Let’s be clear, I’m not better or further advanced or superior to this sharp, great woman. We just, to quote someone (I forget), are on two different roads that don’t happen to intersect at this place at this time. But what a stupid time to come to that friggin realization!! Now what?! Am I nuts? Am I too absorbed in bride-craft/life to realize that I’m overreacting?