- 6 months ago
- Wedding: June 2016
Looking for some opinions here.
After 20 years apart, a childhood friend has recently moved to my town, and moved in with a newly-divorced man. They met at a convention in my hometown, and she fell head-over-heels in love that first day. He lives here in Eastern Canada – 3000 kms away from my hometown – and she followed him here, and moved in with him, after literally knowing him only that weekend. His wife of 16 years just left him – and he keeps saying he’s still not over her.
So they’ve been living together now for 6 months – and to everyone’s surprise, they are still together. She wants to get married… but he doesn’t seem as eager. He has a lot of debt – and keeps saying things like “Oh, I would marry you tomorrow if I didn’t have this debt.” Whenever they discuss it, they agree they will do better at saving money – but it’s like he’s trying to sabotage it – buying a ton of stuff they don’t need ($500 in cheese, $200 in sausages, $150 haircuts; $800 in beer making supplies).
Now to my dilemma…
She’s asked me to be her maid of honor. He refuses to go looking at wedding rings, because he says it’s no use, as they don’t have any money to get married. So my friend went and bought him a wedding band. She has her mom’s old wedding ring, and wants to re-style it into a new ring for herself. But she doesn’t have the money for that. We have an appointment to go tomorrow to talk to a jeweller about getting the ring re-made, but they told us already it will be $1200+ – and there’s no way she has anything like that. She’ll be lucky if she can scrape together $200.
My husband says to cancel the appointment with the jeweller tomorrow – this is just a waste of his time. I still think it’s ok to go – jewellers can’t expect every appointment to be an automatic sale – and she needs to be told how expensive this is really going to be. She’s even talked about getting a sterling silver ring, and her mom’s diamond in it – just to save money. It just bugs me so much that this guy bought himself $1000 in stuff last weekend, but says he can’t give a few hundred to my friend for an engagement ring. He also refuses to look at rings with her – he says he doesn’t know anything about rings, so why bother asking his opinion. If she wants to buy herself one, he can’t stop her – but he doesn’t want to be involved
So, what do you all think? She constantly sends me photos of his bills, mortage payments, pay cheques – and I’ve told her to stop!!! I don’t want to know about his finances – but she wants to figure out how much money he really has, and how bad the debt truly is. I haven’t looked at any of the paperwork – but just from what she’s told me he owes – he’ll never be done. He promises her the moon, but only when the debt is paid (he’ll buy her a cottage, buy her a car, a dog, go on a trip to Australia, etc..) – and I think it’s only because he knows he’ll never be done. My friend offered to give him all her pay until the debt is paid off, and he refuses to let her do that. He wants her to “have fun too” and not be saddled with his debt. But if she doesn’t pay it, no one ever will.
So, the questions are – Cancel the appointment tomorrow because it’s just a big waste of time? Sit my friend down and tell her that I think he’s continuing the wild spending so that they’ll never be out of debt? Does it sound to you like he really doesn’t want to be married? Maybe I’m wrong. I’m such a frugal person, the idea of just going and buying $500 in cheese when you claim to be in terrible debt seems crazy. Their credit cards are maxed out so badly that yesterday she tried to put 99 cents on the Visa, and it was declined. This month they aren’t paying their mortgage or heating bill. I’m just very confused by his actions. I would never buy unnecessary stuff over the basics like paying the bills.