Believing his actions or words?

posted 2 years ago in Rings
Post # 17
Member
657 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

mrsptobe2017 :  right?  It wouldn’t even be that hard.  I’m sure there’s a cheese of the month club that costs $500 a year!

Post # 18
Member
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I too, could not get past the cheese and sausage budget listed in your post. Can you invite yourself over and take advantage of that?? I mean seriously, your main ethical responsibility at this point is to help them eat it all before it goes bad. 

Honestly though, I would speak my mind to her firmly once, lovingly but very honestly, and then stay out of it. Flat out refuse to discuss his finances or their potential “marriage” with her after. 

Post # 19
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2017

OK, I’m no cheese expert, but cheddar?!! If I had 500 dollars to spend on cheese I would get something more exotic. 

Post # 20
Member
428 posts
Helper bee

Your friend has serious issues. How old is she ? He sounds irresponsible and probably still reeling from divorce. Also agree with pp he is do much debt because he spends too much and has no idea how to manage money. Perhaps the most of divorce. I’d be honest with her. Nicely. As pp said ask the questions she isn’t gently. 

Post # 21
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Should you believe his words or actions? 

Answer; both! 

Words: I can’t afford to marry you

Actions: I can’t afford to marry you 

I would have a heartfelt talk with your friend. It sounds like she so badly wants this to work that she is not seeing reason! 

Post # 22
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee

I have so many questions.

  • Does your friend have a history of “falling in love” super fast?
  • How old are they?
  • Is dude aware that your friend sends you pictures of his private financial statements!?
  • This convention where they first met, was it “Great Canadian Cheese Festival”?!
  • Did you get to eat any of the $500 cheese?  Would you recommend this cheddar?
  • Is your friend and this dude actually engaged? Or does your friend wish to be engaged?
  • Is his divorce from Wife #1 even finalized? Is he legally able to remarry at this point?

 

Also I’m confused on this point. First you said dude wasn’t over his ex wife, and then you when your friend brings up marriage, dude seems “not as eager” about marrying her. When he says “I’d marry you tomorrow, alas I have so much debt, let me buy this vintage cheese, NOM NOM ALL THE NOMS.”  So in the 6 months since she moved in, has he gotten over his ex wife?

 

Also the part about his refusal to look at rings – when he said they “don’t have any money to get married“, did he mean he’d truly love to marry your friend but he can’t afford a nice ring, so he wants to wait?

Or did he mean he’d truly love to marry your friend, but can’t afford to host the wedding he thinks she deserves? And still wants to wait? And then your friend went and bought him a wedding band??

Or did he mean “this is all moving way too fast but I’m afraid of having adult conversations so I’m not going to admit that I don’t want to marry you”?

Is your friend under the assumption that if she buys herself this ring, her boyfriend will agree to marry her? Does she think they are engaged now?

 

This is moving 90 kilometers too fast, and your friend sounds like she needs a reality check.

Hell, go to see the jeweller with her. Maybe this will open her eyes that if she wants an expensive ring, she/they will have to prioritize saving money for it. 

I agree with you, jewellers realize not every appointment ends in a sale. She is not wasting the jeweller’s time by going. Maybe she will see something she really loves and this will spur her/them into saving.

 

If your friend brings up his bank statements again and wants to speculate how much he owes, I would firmly encourage her to have that discussion with her boyfriend, and continue refusing to view any pictures of bank statements she sends your way. That is such a huge invasion of privacy!!

If she continues to cry to you about his lack of money for a ring or a wedding, if you want to be a good friend, maybe try something like this:

“Elizabeth, if he says he can’t afford to buy a ring or have a wedding, then you should think about what he prioritizes spending money on. The sausages last month were delicious! I think that Jon is not prioritizing his money on the same things you want him to, like marriage/wedding. It sounds like you guys aren’t on the same page, or the same novel, for what you want. You need to talk this out with him.”

 

And then drop it. She’s an adult, she’s going to do what she wants and make the mistakes she plans to make. You can’t talk her out of this foolishnesh.

 

Post # 23
Member
6737 posts
Bee Keeper

mishybear :  Actions over words every single time.

That said, they seem to match in this case…

Post # 25
Hostess
3167 posts
Sugar bee

You guys, obviously he spent all that money on cheese and sausages for the awesome reception he’s secretly planning after…after he, you know…actually proposes!

OP, your friend has lost her freaking mind. There’s so much wrong here, my fingers literally cannot type it all out. Please stop participating in her brand of crazy. This is a 50 car pileup, and you don’t want to be anywhere near it. 

Post # 26
Member
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2007

mishybear :  WOW, this is sooo much like a situation my friend is in right now!

Her “FI” is divorced, he is so deep in debt that I doubt he will ever be out of it, makes all kinds of promises and never delivers. They’ve been together a year and a half now, but started talking about getting married within 3/4 months. He told her he had saved $1500 for a ring, so I helped her start looking, she chose one and he says “actually I only have $1000”. So, this goes on until he finally admits he’s saved nothing at all. She picked out a $500 ring and put it on layaway.. 6 months ago. He spent $300 in 2 weeks on booze for himself and his buddies, he’s bought himself a boat and a second vehicle in the time they’ve been “engaged” but hasn’t put so much as $20 towards her ring. 

I was asked to be Maid/Matron of Honor in this wedding too. I told her straight up what I think about the whole mess, she seemed upset for a couple days but seemingly got over it and still wants me there. 

In your situation, I think I’d go to the appointment. It is kind of too bad to waste the time of the jeweller, but as you said they can’t expect to have every meeting turn into a sale. And maybe It’ll be a reality check for her, and allow her to re examine the whole thing. 

Post # 27
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee

mishybear :  Yikes. This gets worse and worse. I was picturing 19 and 20 year olds.

Half a million in debt!??!  $100 can’t even cover the interest! He’s going to be in debt until he dies. Now I’m being speculative and nosey because I work in finance. He has a mortage. I suspect he’s using a home equity loan on the house to finance his lifestyle, which will lead to being upsidedown on his mortage.  Even at 3%, half a million is going to be an albatross around his neck forever.

Is he aware that she is sending his financials to you? 

I’m skeptical that his divorce is finalized. Even hearing his ex wife had a ceremony with her new partner, who is to say it was an actual legal ceremony? It could have been symbolic. A six month divorce is REALLY fast. I can’t think of a single divorce I know of that was wrapped up and official in under 12 months, plus after the divorce decree is granted, there is the 90 day cool off period in Canada…. sounds fishy to me!

So have you decided if you will accompany her to the jeweller tomorrow?

Post # 28
Member
5893 posts
Bee Keeper

mishybear :  They’re 48 & 50?!?! They put Jessiquh and her wet-around-the-ears teen-hubby to shame. What a shitshow, both of them. 

No respect for someone who ditches their kid to go run after some new flavour of the month. 

I don’t think she ‘moved in’ with this guy so much as she slept over once and never left and he’s too spineless to know what to do about it. 

He’s buying hundreds of dollars in cheese and sausage but let’s the mortgage lapse? She’s trying to put a ninety-nine cent purchase on a credit card? Sounds like neither has even rudimentary common sense money management skills, this is dysfunctional AF.

I would be livid if my Darling Husband was showing others my bills, bank statement, paystubs, mortgage etc to others. This is a gross invasion of privacy. 

Your friend needs to get off this fantasy train and start belatedly learning how to adult. Sounds like she could benefit from therapy for her impulsive, even delusional behaviour as well as some financial counselling. Her boyfriend could use some help getting his shit together too- but separately, not together. Usually when I recommend couples NOT go to counselling together it’s because one partner seems physically or emotionally abusive, but in this case I think they’re each  just so dysfunctional on their own that they’re a toxic mess together and would benefit more being single and focusing on putting their lives on track. Perhaps her son is better off if his dad or another family member has custody of him. 

Post # 29
Member
10845 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

mishybear :  

He’ll be paying long past this lifetime and well into the next.

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