Post # 1
I had a discussion with my SO this morning and he doesn’t really understand the need/desire to get married. He doesn’t believe it changes the relationship and doesn’t believe it’s mecessary for being as committed. I feel differently about it but I’m having a hard time understanding why. Why is marriage beneficial in your mind? Whether legally, or to your relationship. His argument was “the legal aspects can be done in a different way, ex, a will or common law”. He’s not against marriage but he doesn’t understand the importance of it.
Post # 2
For me the importance is all legal. In England we don’t have common law marriage and you have more rights as a spouse. Not least that you can inherit your spouses estate without paying inheritance tax. If you’re not married you have to pay.
I would look up the situation where you live. Educate yourself on your legal status as an unmarried couple. Yes, there are some documents you can sign that give SIMILAR rights, but not the same.
I always think that if a person genuinely doesn’t care about marriage they will sign the papers to give these similar rights. If they don’t then they don’t want to marry you
Post # 3
I think it “can” but done legally other ways but that rarely actually happens and its a ton more work.
I could tell you what it means to me, but I dont think thats really the issue here.
It matters to YOU. So, if he cannot ever see you guys being married then you have fundamentally incompatible goals and expectations. Thats a painful and difficult thing to face, but you should think about whether you could be happy NEVER getting married ever. If not, you should start working to end this relationship.
Post # 4
lauraspencer : Not a lot changed in like my day to day life after I got married, we were already basically functioning as a married couple (live together, share finances, dogs, etc). But, I can tell you the feeling of being able to say I’m married to the man of my dreams, and refer to him as my husband is a pretty amazing feeling, as lame as that may sound.
People can certainly be comitted without marriage and take other steps to deal with the legality issues but I wanted to get married, I don’t have a list of “benefits” to explain why it’s important to me or what I “gained” once I got married. For me it was just something that was important to me, and more of a feelings thing. My husband felt the same so it worked out for us.
Post # 5
1. It’s a public expression of your private commitment in front of friends and family. Sure they may know that you love each other, but that’s different than a formal announcement of your intent to be together until death.
2. Common law in my state is still marriage… so his argument that it is a way around marriage is nonsensical. Is his issue the legal commitment or a huge expensive reception… they are two different things.
3. Kids born in marriage are presumed to be his unless proven otherwise. Easier to get support if things go south.
4. In my state cohabitation doesn’t give you any rights in the event of death or breakup, but married partners do have rights.
5. Tax benefits… sometimes in certain places it is better financially to be married.
6. There is something mentally different about being married. It’s difficult and expensive and embarrassing to break up… makes you work extra hard and long to make it work.
Post # 6
For me, most importantly I want to be the one to have the say if something happens to my husband and he ends up in the hospital.
When we were dating he had to go to the hospital for the flu because of how dehydrated he had gotten. I was not even allowed in the room! All because I was not his wife and I had no legal say in his treatment. His parents had to come up to the hospital to give me permission to be with him. I cant imagine how it would have been if it were a car accident or something worse.
Before this, I was more on the side that our SO is. I didnt see a point to get married. After that, I knew I wanted to be married. Plus the title “wife” gives me a great sense of pride. And I agree that mentally everything changes once you’re married, it’s hard to explain but it’s worth it.
Post # 7
lauraspencer : Pps have made great points about spousal rights and power in extreme situations. I have always expressed this to my SOs as a marriage tells the rest of the world that this is your person and you fully intend on being with them forever. Dating means that you’re not seeing other people and need to date someone to see if it’s a good forever fit. Dating is like a trial run whereas marriage is a pledge to honor and love in sickness and in health.
Post # 8
lauraspencer : For me, it’s primarily legal and financial but there are also other aspects.
1) Lower insurance
2) Lower tax
3) Many benefits offered by my company that he can share in
4) When we apply for certain things like apartments, we are charged once vs. twice individually (if we hadn’t been married)
5) Not financial/legal but society gives more importance to a husband vs. a boyfriend
6) Easier to be more public about living together (to some people) and talk about having kids
7) Being able to make medical decisions on each other’s behalf, visiting in hospital, etc.
Post # 9
This happened to me sort of. My SO didn’t see the point of getting married if we went planning to have children. We went round and round about it and I decided to spend a couple months really reflecting on whether or not I could be happy with him without marriage. I decided I could do it.
Well then he said I’d be happier if we were married and he wanted to make me as happy as possible. Later Something came up and I told him I was still willing to forgo marriage. Then he was upset that we weren’t going to do our plan of proposing to each other! So we’re doing it. We’re taking our time, getting engaged this year and married in 2022. I’d still forgo it if he wanted to defer it Vance the whole idea. But I’m happy we’re going to get married and even happier that he came around to it in his own way.
My advice would be to spend some real time reflecting on how you feel about never being married. If you think you can be happy without marriage. Don’t try to change him. Believe what he says. He has his reasons like you have yours. Might just be incompatible.goals.
Post # 10
I was on the other side- marriage was not important to me- but was to my husband. So, we got married. It was fun, I’m glad we did it but aside from having a marriage license nothing changed. We still maintain separate accounts, I did not change my name, he’s still my POA, etc. So agreeing with some of the previous posters- if it’s really important to you- hopefully he’ll jump on board. Who knows, he might even have a good time! 😄
Post # 11
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
I was more inclined to get married for the social benefits and for the representation.
Most of what was important to me is more personal, and isn’t necessarily true for others.
I wanted to make sure I was with someone who wanted to be with me for life. People can be fickle and there’s no guarantee someone isn’t going to leave, but if someone is willing to get married, it usually means they envision their life with you. I wanted that stock in our future.
Getting married was important to me as almost a show to others that we wanted to take our relationship to the furthest level. We wanted our friends and family to know that we were very serious and ready to spend our lives together. Being married holds a higher social status, like it or not, regarding your relationship. It shows the ultimate committment. There are plenty of people who aren’t committed even though they’re married, but it’s not seen that way.
For me the plan of having children has always been in the back of my mind. Regarding legal and social situations, I wouldn’t want to have children with someone I wasn’t married to. I know it causes a headache and life is just easier if you’re married first. Obviously, not everyone does things this way. And that’s fine. I just see things as being simpler if you are married first.
Post # 13
I sometimes struggle with this. I know that my SO is the person for me and I can see us together forever, but I think since I’ve been divorced, I have a fear of it happening again. It’s a self doubt, not a relationship doubt, if that makes any sense.
but you can’t deny the legal benefits that you gain from marriage.
Post # 14
- Wedding: March 2020 - City, State
For me, the main reason to get married is because I want kids, and I want to be clear that we are 100% on the same team as far as that’s concerned. We’re making a LOT of big decisions at this point in our life that affect what raising children will be like, and I would be making different decisions if I we’re making a personal five year plan versus a team five year plan.
Its also important to both of us that we know we’re committed to each other in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part. There’s not really other ways to do that.
I told a coworker I was getting married, and he said: “you should get a domestic partnership; they’re easier to get out of.” And I was like “…you’re completely missing the point.”
Post # 15
If you aren’t religious, the only benefits of marriage are the legal protections and rights afforded to a spouse. At the same time, it’s a lot more complicated/expensive if the relationship ends which is why many folks in committed relationship avoid getting married (especially those who have been married before). If common law was recognized in my state and my husband was not as traditional, I would have been content remaining unmarried.
He could have fears marriage unrelated to your relationship that makes him feel this way. Maybe he witnessed the experiences of divorced parents or friends? Maybe he doesn’t want the cost associated with wedding? I know for me, these were my main deterrent. Try having an honest conversation about why marriage is important to you and why he’s hesitant about getting engaged.