Best friend, babies, and how to deal?

posted 2 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
9863 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You are not the one coming off as selfish. Your friend sounds horrible and self-absorbed to be honest. 

I am hardcore rolling my eyes at her saying she couldn’t handle baby talk when it took her 3 months to get pregnant and then can’t even think for one second to be considerate of your struggles?

Is she typically a selfish person?

Post # 3
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You’re going through some difficult things and it sounds like your friend is too self absorbed to recognize that and support you. It’s ok to take a step back from her until you’re in a better place. 

I hope your IUI treatments work! 💚

Post # 5
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I would approach the topic by gently reminding her that she’s been in a very similar emotional place to where you are now. That might prompt her to think about her comments and topics of conversation in a more empathetic light. Something along the lines of, “You know how you were feeling when you were trying to get pregnant? How the constant reminders of other people’s success with having a baby made you feel sad and frustrated? I totally get where you were coming from now. I think backing off on pregnancy and baby talk for a while would really reduce my stress about our difficulties conceiving, just like it seemed to help you. I’m glad to have a friend who’s been there and understands how this feels”

A very normal three months of trying really doesn’t compare to what you’re going through at the moment, but saying something along those lines may help her connect with your feelings and give you more of the kind of support you need right now. Be sure to mention that you’d still love to get updates about her own little one if that’s what you want!

Post # 6
624 posts
Busy bee

I’d say something to her. If she’s that ignorant that she doesn’t actually realize how much she’s hurting you, then she’ll know. And if she realizes but just wants to be selfish and wants attention or something, maybe she’ll stop as well. I’m so sorry bee, it’s insanely inconsiderate of your friend to be going on like that. And good luck with the IUI!!! 

Post # 8
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

Is her friendship so valuable TO YOU that you’re sure you wish to continue it?

When I was experiencing pregnancy loss almost every single friend I had was pregnant. They were all WONDERFUL and kind and sympathetic and EMPATHETIC, even in their own happiness, while I was suffering.

Perhaps it’s time to be “busy” once in a while when she wants to connect. Fact is, she IS behaving VERY POORLY

Being a part of a friendship like this can be VERY taxing, and most especially while you are longing to “suffer” some of her numerous complaints. If it’s time to take a break, be as gentle and polite as possible, but also, DEFINITELY put yourself and YOUR needs first. YOU are important, and YOU deserve to be treated kindly.

Listen when/if you can tolerate her stuff (it IS typical for new moms, especially first timers, to be so besotted that they can’t think of or talk about anything else)and excuse yourself if you just aren’t into it.

Don’t give up on your own hopes and dreams! Mine came true, twice!

Post # 9
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

tulipdazey :  Oh, dear! You definitely shouldn’t blame youself for not being more direct. It sounds like you already said all that should have been necessary for her to get the point. I agree with the others who said put your own needs first, and if you need to put some distance between the two of you for a while, don’t feel guilty for doing so!

Post # 10
982 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I aso struggled badly with ferility and 5 m/c before we got our rainbow baby. I had to distance myself from a lot of people as it was too hard. 

I now have my daughter  and am pregnant again and even though my life is consumed with babies there is no way I would ever be so inconsiderate as to constantly say those things you said she was saying to someone who is going through heaps of fertility issues right now. Being excited is no excuse, unless your friend is completely lacking the emotional part of her brain then she is just being a twat. Sorry but it’s true. Her problem is she never actually had any issues as 3 months is a totally normal time to get pregnant so she obviously is not able to relate to a ‘real’ struggle so right now i’d just ignore her and let her sit and think about herself for awhile. 

Post # 11
2785 posts
Sugar bee

tulipdazey :  I️ don’t think she is doing it maliciously to upset you but she sounds like one of those people who are clueless and oblivious. The friend who starts telling you how they just went on a shopping spree if you say you have money troubles, or about their promotion when friend calls in tears about job loss, or how amazing their marriage is if you call to vent about your relationship. Be very straight up with her and ask her to tone baby talk down. Even mom friends don’t want to talk about babies non stop. And the martyr statements of “its sooooo full filling but soooo hard…but you won’t understand “ are just plain annoying. Try to ignore it as much as possible so she doesn’t feel like she has an audience to constantly talk about it. 

Post # 12
7713 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Hell to the fuckin NO with this bitch! Excuse my French, but seriously…you lost me when she put a ban on baby-related talk after THREE MONTHS of TTC. The average couple takes about six months to conceive. This girl is a piece of work. I get being excited to TTC and disappointed when AF arrives even on your first or second cycle trying, but the melodrama woe is me crap with this woman is over the top. I would not have been able to resist lecturing her about how three months TTC is nothing and she needs to grow a thicker skin, because many people deal with so much worse. Like you for example!

Which brings me to my next point…her insensitivity toward you is staggering. You’re going through way worse than what she did, and even after you asked her to tone down the baby talk she still hasn’t done it. Unreal!!! I am so pissed for you. I have a friend who behaved similarly to me…the day after I told her I miscarried, she sent me a snapchat with a photo of her massive 8-month bump and a caption about how the struggle  to button her pants is real. WTF?? I let that one slide, but when she texted me again a few days later asking if I kenw of any remedies for pregnancy-related constipation, I lost my shit and told her that while I’m really happy for her and can’t wait to meet her baby, I’m struggling right now since my loss JUST HAPPENED and need a break from pregnancy talk. She apologized, but a week later was back to the same shenanigans. After that point, I just kind of distanced myself from her. Some people are just so self absorbed and obtuse that there’s no point trying to reason with them.

I think you have two choices at this point…either try one more time to talk to her, which I’d do in the form of an email probably, along the lines of what pp suggested above. OR just distance yourself, stop hanging out with her, and if she asks why you’re doing it, unload on her then. Unfortunately with people like your friend and my friend, nothing tends to penetrate so this is likely to continue so long as you continue interacting with her.

I’m sorry your TTC journey has been so rocky bee. Really hoping IUI does the trick for you quickly!

Post # 13
776 posts
Busy bee

everything that tiffanybruiser : said. 

Not that this is an excuse for her horribleness, but I wonder if she’s over compensating. I have a 3.5 month old and she is literally the best thing in the entire world. I never understood how great she would be or how cool it would be to be a mom…BUT, being a new mom is NOT all sunshine and roses and if she is constantly saying it is I wonder if she’s trying to cover up that she’s having a hard time. And my hubs is AMAZING like literally one of the best dads I know, we split everything 50/50 or more, and he still makes me mad and resentful – just illustrating that nobody’s life is perfect. When I’m talking to my good friends about being a mommy I’m usually asking about how their babe is sleeping or why my daughter has suddenly started doing xyz or complaining that I have never been this tired. Being a mom is hard as hell and my friends are the people I can be honest with. I would venture a guess that she’s struggling and maybe isn’t finding constant motherhood as fulfilling as she thought she would and she’s over compensating because of it. I’ve found that I have two types of mom friends now, the ones who I can be honest and real with about being in the trenches or the ones who glorify every single thing and act like their lives are perfect. It sounds like she is on of the second types of women who is just trying to prove how perfect everything is. Until she’s ready to be a good friend in addition to a good mom then you’ll probably have to distance yourself.

I really hope IUI works for you and that you’ll get your BFP soon. Hugs. 

Post # 15
776 posts
Busy bee

tulipdazey :  SO, so sorry your IUI procedure was cancelled. It sounds like you’re an awesome person and friend and have gone above and beyond for this girl. I get how hard being a new mommy is but that doesn’t excuse her from this behavior. I was a total zombie the first month and kind of got in this cycle of it being all about me but I was able to snap out of it. It sounds like she’s still there and I don’t think you can help her get out of it, she’s going to have to do it on her own.

Maybe she’ll snap out of it or maybe she won’t but either way, it sounds like you need to take a step back. I’m sorry you can’t go to your best friend with your TTC struggles but maybe you two can reconnect in the future. You’ve gotta do what’s best for yourself right now. I hope you have the best time on vacation! 

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