Post # 1
I’m married for almost a year now. A couple of weeks ago my husband and I moved back to my hometown in the west coast after 8 years, where my best guy friend also lives. He visits me nearly every evening/night to hang out and we have some beer and long conversations, like we always used to. My husband is in a job that involves a lot of travel, so my friend and I often end up hanging out without him. Off late, he has been a lot closer physically. I am not sure if it is a general change in him as we’re meeting after so long! He has started “cutely” pinching my cheeks, LOTS of hugging, casually putting his hand around my shoulder when we go out or casually holding my hand for long when we sit at home and talk. Also he talks a lot about wanting to give me tight hugs in an affectionate way when we’re not in the same place.
Is this normal? I tried indirectly understanding his feelings for me, and he firmly claims we are absolute best friends and there is nothing more. There definitely is a lot more touching and holding and talk about my smile and hair and eyes and looks in general. I feel weird and I don’t know what to do without offending or embarrassing him. My husband is away, so I am not able to talk about this to him now either. My friend is also about to get married in a few months and he has been in the relationship with his fiancee for the last 4 odd years!
I really need some advice and though it doesn’t directly relate to weddings, I did get some amazing advice here in the past, so put it here! Thanks a lot in advance 🙂
Post # 2
Sounds like he’s making you uncomfortable, and I doubt his fiancé would be happy with how he’s acting towards you either. I would bring it up to to him in the nicest way possible and and tell him your boundaries. If he’s truly a best friend he’ll cut down on the touching in my opinion.
Post # 3
Not to excuse him, but I found that boundaries were different when I moved to the west coast. This doesn’t mean it’s okay, but it does mean that he might not have weird intentions so I think you should,just tell him you love being his friend but you are married now and the hand holding and touching feels inappropriate and you need it to stop.
Also, he can’t hold your hand if you don’t let him. So don’t.
Post # 4
Thank you! I really wanted to be sure that I am not overreacting to some casual regular body language. I’m worried that it will make things very awkward between us. It really makes me feel uncomfortable and the talk has to happen, I guess.
Post # 5
That was extremely helpful! I already cut off a friend who tried making strong moves at me a few months back and it broke my heart. I was just afraid it would be rather awkwaard if I pull my hand away! I will just have to be more firm, I suppose.
Post # 6
Sounds odd to me. I’ve lived in the west coast for over 10 years now and don’t think it is normal for friends to hold hands. There is always something more to it. If he is making you uncomfortable, talk to your friend and be clear about your boundaries. If he really is your best friend, he will understand and back off!
Also, as Tinatiny1 pointed out, he can’t hold your hand if you don’t let him. Very true.
Post # 7
I seriously would stop this guy if I where you. If he is making you unconfortable then it has to stop. There is no, but… I can’t imagine your husband would think this is normal behavor or that you would think it was normal behavior if a girl was doing this to your husband.
If your not into the touchy thing tell him to stop. If he takes offense then he’s really not the guy you know many years ago who would have never made you feel uncomfortable. People change over the years and maybe this guy had changed too… Lol who know’s maybe he’s a swinger making his moves on you.
Post # 8
Why doesn’t he bring his fiancé when you guys hang out?
Post # 9
I think your instincts are right and something is off-balance. Next time he holds your hand when talking, pull it away with a jokey grimace and say you love him to bits but you can’t be doing with the hand holding and stuff and that he shouldn’t be offended as you’d feel exactly the same if it was one of your girl friends. That should put him in his place if he needs it.
I can’t pretend to understand this but some people seem to feel more free to make a move when you are off the market, maybe they think your guard will be down? Or maybe this is unconscious on his part and he is developing a romantic attachment to you. Either way you are right to stop it. Very disappointing for you, I hate it when good friendships go tits up.
Post # 10
I agree with the other PP’s, when he next tries to hold your hand, pull it away and say you don’t feel comfortqable doing thst with anyone, but your husband. I think his reaction to that could tell you all you need to know.
Post # 11
Giving a friend a tight hug and throwing an arm around their shoulder is normal. TALKING about how much you want to give a tight hug when not together is not normal. Holding hands is not normal. I find this interaction inappropriate outside your marriage. If my husband were doing this I’d be extremely uncomfortable and sparks would fly if I knew.
Post # 12
Where is his girlfriend when he’s spending every night with you?
Sorry but this sounds like an emotional affair waiting to happen.
Post # 13
It sounds like he is slooooooowly pushing the boundaries to see where your line is drawn. So far, you’re letting hime get away with it. So he will keep pushing.
There is nothng wrong with not wanting to hold hands with any man but your husband. That doesnt make you a prude or a bad friend. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to hug someone if you don’t feel comfortable with it. Hugging someone when you really really don’t want to because he is being aggressive about wanting a hug is pretty classic *grooming* behavior.
If you are such great friends, sit down with him and lay it out on the table. Be honest. Tell him you are uncomfortable with how physical the frinedship has become and you need it to stop. If he asks questions or for explanations, be straight with him. Say *actually, I don’t feel I need to explain myself. If someone being physical with me makes me uncomfortable, that should be enough to respect my personal space.* If he tries to cajol you or make you explain yourself or tell you you’re being ridiculous, end the friendship immediately. Because that is a huge red flag. A true friend would be appalled that they had been making you uncomfortable and would stop immediately and forever. A person who wants more will try to make you feel bad, stupid, like you’re overreacting and act entitled to continue being physical with you.
Marrieages suffer when their are shitty, slippery boundaries. You are putting your friends feelings ahead of your own and the health of your marriage. Remember that. Giving in to some random man’s physical wants becaue you don’t want to speak up? No. Just…no. Fuck having his back. Have your marriage’s back, ya know?
Post # 14
Uhhh… WHY are you letting this man hold your hand???? I’m sorry, maybe it’s just where I’m from but friends, single or not, do NOT hold hands while having a night of conversation without their respective spouse/SO. I think it’s highly inappropriate and you allowing this to go on is a slap in your husband’s face. You should never care more about “not wanting to embarrass a friend” than you care about respecting your husband. So what, he gets embarrassed? He shouldn’t be grubbing up on you like that in the first place. Not to mention his fiance. Where the heck is she when you 2 decide to have a beer and drape arms around each other every night?
How would you feel if you found out your husband was drinking every night with some chick who’s draping her arm around him, calling him gorgeous, holding his hand for extended lengths of time and giving him tight hugs. All while you’re away. Are ya kidding me?!? The friendship should never out weigh your marriage. Wake up girl
Personally, I woulda knocked that behavior off the first time it happened. I don’t know why you’ve let it go on so long. But you need to end it NOW. And I personally wouldn’t be spending every night with a male friend while my husband is away on business. Start distancing yourself and setting up boundaries immediately.
Post # 15
You are in the lions den. Tread carefully, make your expectations known and keep strong boundaries. Something is bound to happen sooner or later and I am sure you dont want to deal with that guilt.