(Closed) "Best Friend" can't afford to come to my wedding (vent)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Well that’s a bummer.  I can understand being sad she can’t make it, especially if she’s going to be so close the weekend after.  But as PPs have said, maybe she’s been planning the Montreal trip for a long time and doesn’t have the money to do both.  Or maybe someone is helping her out. Or perhaps it’s cheaper for her to go on the Montreal trip.  She might not have enough money to make it to your wedding, but just enough to go to Montreal.   Who knows.  I would just assume the best – that she really wanted to come but just couldn’t afford it for some reason.

Post # 19
Member
4693 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I echo what everyone else is saying. How an adult spends their money is up to them.

A close friend of mine was just married in Jamaica, and a friend of hers said she couldn’t come because she didn’t want to give up Starbucks and shopping. My friend was upset for a second, but got over it quickly. No matter what the reasoning, you can’t control other people.

Post # 20
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

View original reply
@mgol25:  Yeah, it makes it seem like she was deliberately hiding it from you, which is what would stress me out. My BF is sort of like that. She said she was going to come visit me for the engagement party and then said she couldn’t afford it. I made all of these offers to help her, but then she ended up going on a ski trip the same week. So yeah…I was p-off about that for a minute. Just tell me the turth geez! Don’t try to play the victim.

Oh and she’s a Maid/Matron of Honor

 

Post # 21
Member
6351 posts
Bee Keeper

if she is your best friend and you want her there, I suggest you pay.

We shouldn’t expect to tell our friends how to spend their money, maybe she has really been lookng forward to her own trip and saving up. Your wedding is about you, it would make sense that you would prioritize funding it, including funding your best friend being there… that is, if it really matters to you.

Post # 22
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Honestly when a wedding involves travel across the country, you can’t be mad when people don’t come.  If she was your BEST friend who HAD to be there you probably should’ve put her in the bridal party. 

 

To give you another perspective, I flew across the country for a wedding for one of my best friends and I got to spend all of 3 minutes talking to her at the wedding, but it took a few months to pay off the plane ticket.  NOT WORTH IT, sorry bestie.

Post # 23
Member
2296 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

i didn’t go to one of my best friends weddings. i couldn’t afford it for my SO and i – but here’s where it gets tricky. 

SO and i went on a four month long backpacking trip around asia and they were married at the verrry tail end of the trip. 

to her credit, she never gave me flack about how i could afford a four month long trip but not a week for her wedding. that week would cost the same as half of our trip. we still have an amazing friendship and she and her husband came to visit us recently.

i can’t afford it means ‘i’m putting my money where it needs to go for MY things, and unfortunately there isn’t any left over for your thing’. it doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t have the money, period. 

i could have cancelled my trip and gone to their wedding – but i shouldn’t have to do that, and didn’t. when you ask people to travel for weddings you either accept the choices they make, or you pay for their travel. 

Post # 25
Member
1546 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

She gets to choose what she does with her time off, it’s not your place to judge her decisions. As someone who doesn’t get a ton of time off I probably wouldn’t spend it going to a wedding if there were other places I would like to visit.

Post # 26
Member
3694 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

In her defense, I’d pick F1 over a wedding for a friend I hadn’t seen in years, too.  That’s a whole weekend full of fun and kickass racing vs. a few minutes with a couple people you used to be BFF’s with and a bunch you don’t really know.  I’m not super social and would rather spend my social time with people I share an interest with than people I share friends with.

I’m super jealous of her, I’ve been wanting to go to Montreal for the race for years but we couldn’t afford it after our wedding and honeymoon (which was F1 races in Europe). 

Post # 27
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

View original reply
@mgol25:  Yes. Lying is what bothers me. Especially since I really wanted to pay for her entire trip. Everything will work out! Hopefully you will be like me and be angry about it for a while and then get over it again. lol

Post # 28
Member
8679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

If I wanted my best friend at my wedding so badly I probably would pay for their flight. Also, all my “best” friends are in my bridal party like PPs said. Is it possible that she doesnt feel as close to you as you still feel?

Post # 29
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@mgol25: Well that sucks, but you have no idea why she is going to Montreal or who is paying for the trip. I wouldn’t jump to conclusions. To be honest, it’s also none of your business why she says she can’t afford to come to your wedding. She says she can’t so, unless you are willing to pay for all of her costs to attend, I really think you should leave it alone. 

Post # 30
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

i know this topic is a few months old but i’m really shocked at most of these responses. it’s one thing to say you cannot afford to attend a good friend’s wedding… quite another to plan a totally separate trip at the same time. i feel like weddings are important opportunities to solidify relationships with the people who you want to remain close with in life. not attending a wedding — UNLESS you are sick, have family issues or literally cannot afford to go ANYWHERE — is the equivalent of saying “you’re not important to me.” personally, i would have a hard time remaining close with a good friend if they pulled something like that.

i’m not saying that it’s necessary to hold a grudge or dwell on the negativity, but I do think that when people don’t make the time or effor to come to your wedding, especially if they are close to you, it’s really rude and selfish. Sometimes you need to suck it up and do things you don’t necessarily WANT to do in order to be close with other people. That’s how relationships work. Selfish people don’t keep very many friends….

to the OP… how did things play out in the end with you friend? hope you had a nice wedding regardless 🙂

Post # 31
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

She also may have seen your (generous) suggestions of taking care of her transportation and lodging as a bit of a pity offering. Honestly, I’d feel like a charity case if I had a friend take care of everything. I’d feel pretty much indebted to her until I could reimburse her. I’d also feel a bit out-of-place staying at your parents’ house (who, I’m assuming, she hadn’t seen in years)?

I know it sucks, but I’d let it go. 

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